My mum passed away last June to lung cancer it was a battle racing home from work to pick up my son up then her getting her to each radiotherapy appointment getting her out in and out of her wheel chair hospital gown on/ off on the bed for treatment hearing her scared and calling out my name. Whilst my young son sat in the waiting room alone on an iPad with head phones. I was her carer for 28 years with very health conditions including a bone decease in her feet making mobility hard. I fought hard over the years to keep her alive she survived sepsis 5 times due to my interventions. I saved her life when she was choking giving her the hymlic manoeuvre. She would fall constantly I had to pick her up so many times towards the end I was at her house 4/5 times a day to help her. Battling the hospital was a nightmare towards the end she would fall in and out of the hospital she would stay a week at a time they would treat her they would release her and she’d fall with in 12 hrs she had no mobility at this point one time they release her in the middle of the day with out informing me she was alone I got to her with in 2 hrs she’d broken her back. I eventually got
Her into a care hope which left me feeling incredibly guilty. On the day of her death a stupid nurse was still trying push pills instead of oral she couldn’t swallow/drink no urination I had to get really really cross. Dr was called yep no more pills oxygen so low only it was only a matter of time. She passed peacefully in her sleep with me holding her hand just us. I called the rest
Of
The family they wouldn’t listen. So it was just us. As it always had been. I feel so guilty I couldn’t keep her alive any longer. I have nightmares every night about her jolting me awake immense pain through all my body every morning. Iv become detached I don’t really speak unless spoken to I’m unintentionally distant with my husband and
Children ok struggling to cope with the panic attacks and the crippling anxiety. It’s become noticeable at work that I have “checked out” to be honest I’m
Physically struggling to cope I have chronic migraines, lupus fibromyalgia anxiety amongst others I started having hemipalegic again after
8 years a month after
I was forced to move job locations the last one hit me hard I ended up in hospital still have pins and needles through out my right side. Medically no one is helped my the mental health nurse said see you gp if your tired gp doesn’t want to know as I’m under Rhematologist specialist saw them Friday she checked my knuckles and deduced I was fine. No help needed. I can barely breathe I wake up each day genuinely not know how I am going to even get out of bed because physically I just can not keep going. Treatment for the
Migraines has become sporadic they are horrendous. All I want is to lay down all the time I want to lay on my mums sofa with her smells and just be with her. I feel so guilty I couldn’t keep her alive any longer.
Hello @chelchel,
Thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum last year, and everything that you’ve been through to care for her. It sounds like it was and continues to be a traumatic time for you, and it also sounds like you’re feeling emotionally and physically exhausted and carrying a lot of guilt. Please remember that you are not alone.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support to you. In the meantime, you might find these Sue Ryder resources helpful to read.
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Our Losing a parent page talks through some of the emotions you may be experiencing
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
If at any point you feel in immediate danger, overwhelmed, or unable to cope, please reach out to trained professionals. In the UK, you can call 111 and choose the mental health option, or speak to the Samaritans 24/7 at 116 123.
I hope you find the community to be a support to you. Take good care and keep reaching out 
Harriet
Hi chelchel.
My condolences on the passing away of your beloved mum. From what you have written, I think you did all you could and everything you could for your beloved mum. I know you say you feel guilty, but be assured. You loved your mum very much. You did a wonderful job caring for her.
Please look after yourself. Take time for yourself. Post on here. There are lots of people in similar situations. God bless and sending you all my best wishes and keeping you in my thoughts. Stephen. 
