Guilt

Hi Pat Thank You so much this which brings me to the point, is she aware ? xx

Hi again vivahc
Do you mean is she aware that you love her? 51 years with your wife is a long time. Many on this forum don’t believe for one minute that love dies. They are still with us in spirit. I firmly believe this also. Nearly two years since he died yet he is still a big part of my life. He hasn’t gone away.
Pat
xx

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Hi Pat I have a friend who lost his wife on Boxing Day, three years ago and we have discussed this, is there live after death or are we clutching at straws. xx

Dear Pattidot, I may have been in contact with you before or better yet, you may have replied to a post I submitted. All that aside, I say that you as well as others on this post site have a way of sending a spark of caring or hope to us. I can see this in most of you and can say that all is not totally lost. We must believe in that! I can’t describe it but I feel it’s there in us. I say this because I have seen responses in most of you all, but lately noticing that a glimmer of hope is in you all. I have replied or butted in in your posts to either sympathize or offer support as many of you have. It has helped me - maybe not what I was hoping for but any step forward is better than no step at all (I hope I’m not talking jibberwish). Anyway, your replies or encouragement has really helped me — I hope I have done the same. Let’s keep this going.
Thank you all for hearing me and all the others on this posting encouraged!
Herb

Hi. Herb, A lot of people in grief say they feel their loved one is still with them. That feeling may be strong or only partial. We are brought up in a society where any talk of death or it’s consequences is ‘morbid’. But death is as much part of life as is birth. Where do we come from? Where do we go?
Buddhists ask the question, ‘what was your face before your parents were born’. Our bodies have an organic structure, and as such are liable to decay. That is a fact. But what drives us? Who is the engine driver that makes our body function?
Our essence, that indescribable something that can’t be seen, measured or analysed. That essence is built over the years so we become a living being, with all our faults and failures. But also with our love and compassion. None of those things can be lost just because someone seemingly dies. We think in terms of space and time. None of these things exist in that other dimension. We need a body as a vehicle with which to navigate through life, but once we come to the end it’s of no further use.
We need to begin to think ‘out of the box’. To forget all we have been told about the passing of a loved one and look at possibilities. None of this can be measured in human terms. How do you describe or measure love? A pint? a litre a bagful? Impossible! Just as it’s impossible to describe the ‘essence’ of which we talk. Take heart one and all. There is no ‘end’ but maybe a new beginning. Blessings. John.

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HI there Herb
I like your thinking “any step forward is better than no step at all”. No, your certainly not talking jibberish. Its those steps no matter how tiny that get us through our grief.
I looked back at my first posts and was shocked to see what I had written, it just wasn’t me. But I was in my first weeks of my loss. Gradually as we move forward we slowly start to make some sense of our loss and dare I say learn to cope. We all have our own way of how we want to cope but we do. We go onto another stage and then we are able to offer some hope to other newly bereaved because we have walked the road that they are just starting out on. We can’t say the pain goes away, or that time heals but we do find a way to live our lives again in the way that is comfortable for us. You have never ‘butted’ in on posts, never think that, we are all here to help each other and to ‘listen’ because there is not one of us that doesn’t understand.
Take care
Pat

Hi Jonathan! Thank you for writing to me - I have seen your posts for the other members on this forum. Well done! You seem to be a deep thinker as well as understanding people of differing thoughts or beliefs - at least I get that from your posts. As far as love is measured, I feel that it can be endless for some and limited for others. I see my life as a journey - I kind of see nothing really holding me back - so I go forward plus having an understanding (like you), to see how others see this experience we call life. I think we have some very enlightened people on this site – everybody at some learning stage - so I never attempt to project myself as a know it all - just practical. I believe you may have to me some months ago - write back again sometime!
Herb

Dear Pattdot, Your post as well as Jonathan’s came about the same time - so what I wrote can easily apply to you both. I am coming up on a year since my wife died — I have gone thru a year on my own without her. Perhaps to some extent I have grown a little bit in wisdom, life experience and so forth - sometimes it’s a complete mystery to me but I feel we are all going forward to somewhere. Anyway, I will keep your admonition in not feeling I am talking “jibberish” - I will make every attempt to speak my mind and be open.
When I was a bit younger I was a shy and bashful person and was always conscious about saying the wrong things to others - hopefully that’s something I am still working on. I like your posts - you seem like a very understanding person - so I enjoy the feedback. I hope we all can have a meeting of the minds on these forums. Thanks again!
Herb

My husband died in March I went to see him in the chapel

I lost my husband I’d 20 years in April. I did go to see him in the chapel of rest. I only went because his daughter wanted to go and I did not want her complaining that there was not a good job done. It was not him he was not there. I stayed with him after death until the undertaker arrived he was gone then. I had said my goodbyes over the previous 10 days. Please do not feel guilty about the chapel of rest time. I hope you feel some peace soon

Do not feel bad sueswim7, First of all you are more than welcome to join us (by us I mean men, women and even some sons and daughters) who have experienced a loss of a parent, spouse or child, and it does grieve us almost daily. You are welcome to join all of us here and we hope to hear from you soon, someone here will identify with you and want to confide or sympathize with you. I will share an experience that took place a year ago when my wife died. I did not go to the coffin too much as I did not think it was my beloved wife - it was a bit too overdone - however, I did grieve for her (to this day I still do!). I* loved my wife - now she’s gone. I must carry on by myself. Yes, I can understand your feelings - you may want to remember him as he was (that’s the way I remember my wife. Either way - I just want to welcome you on the site and hope we will hear from you - even it’s just to say hello. Bless you dear lady!
Herb (.ak.a. Greencat)

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Hi vivahc I am so sorry to hear of your loss and your guilt feelings. I think we all have regrets in hindsight. I feel guilt at not being with my husband at the end. He died in the early hours of the morning. I believed that he was not aware of his surroundings or me so I didn’t stay but I now realise he could probably hear or sense touch and I feel torn apart that I wasn’t there to give him that comfort. I hate myself for it and now there is nothing I can do about it. I hope I will come to terms with it in time. I would have visited him at the hospital the day after he passed but they suggested waiting and seeing him at the chapel of rest a week later. By then I couldn’t face it and I knew I would pass out seeing him like that. He wasn’t there, just his body, so I think that was right for me. You thought you were doing the right thing at the time and that is all we can do. Take care.

Hi Jonathan. Thank you so much for your insight and message of hope that ‘all will be well’.

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