Guilt

Hi, i lost my mum in September and am curently awaiting bereavement counselling via the hospice that cared for her in the last few weeks of her life. In the last few days i am really struggling with feelings of guilt and that i should have done more to help her, although i know in my heart i did all i could and cared for her very well. Can anyone who has been through this stage of grieving give me any tips on how to cope with it. Thankyou

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Dear @Sharon2205

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and that you are struggling which is understandable and your loss is very recent. I hope you find the community to be of support and comfort to you.

Grief is a journey to be taken at your pace, it is not a race and there will be good days and bad days, it is a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

I would like to share a few resources with you that may help you.

You can also connect with members here who have been in a similar situation as yourself.

It might be helpful to make an appointment with your GP so you can see what kind of support they can offer you and let them know how you are feeling.

Thank you for reaching out, it is not always easy to do this, you are not alone, we are all here for you.

Take care.

Pepsi

Thank you for replying. My GP is very supportive and has given me a few links for help but everywhere i have tried has waiting lists. I work alone and have no family close by which i think is not helping either but we do speak on the phone

@Sharon2205 - I am so sorry that your mum has died - this is hard to bear. I hope the counselling service comes through soon for you, as it helps. I went through feeling hugely guilty about my husband’s suffering and death from cancer. I blamed myself - for not getting him home, for not fighting the hospital for more treatment, for not rescuing him from the hospice on the night he had a catastrophic bleed. In my counselling, I was encouraged to think that it was him AND me in that situation - that we were both experiencing something so dreadful and frightening and that we both did all we could - him to hang on as long as he could and me, right there, every step of the way through a vicious cancer experience that meant that he had no chance of survival. Even if I had “rescued” him from the hospital or hospice, he still would have died - and in worse circumstances. As time has passed - he died nearly a year ago - I have come to see this and to stop blaming myself. You know that you did all you could, that you tried your best and cared for her well. You could not save her - that was not your fault. When these whispers start in your mind about guilt, try some affirmations out loud like “I cared for her well” or " I love her very much" or “I did all I can” and push those thoughts out of your mind. Grief makes us not see things straight sometimes, that I do know. You did your very best, it is not your fault, you love your mum very much and always will. Hold tight, my friend, hold on. It gets better, it really does x

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So sorry for your loss.
I’m going through this same stage guilt, I feel like you I’d everything I could for my partner but guilt is all part of this grieving process.
What I try to do every time a guilt trip comes in, to think of some positive way I helped my partner through his illness and before he became ill. Which helps me feel less guilty I’m hoping in time this will stop me feeling guilty.
I do hope it works for us x

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Sorry for your loss Sharon.

I am in exactly the same place as you. My mum passed last July and though I have grieved, in the last few days I have been hit with so much guilt it is suffocating me. I cared for my mum in a social capacity by cooking her meals, giving cups of tea, helping her to the loo, etc until she fell and broke her hip. Following a long stay in hospital she was discharged into a care home as I was unable to provide the 24 hour care she then needed. Covid prevented us visiting her until the last few weeks of her life and I think she just gave up. Thankfully I was with her when she passed but now I am feeling terrible guilt and sinking into a pit of sadness and sense of loss.

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@Vancouver thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing some of the things that have helped you. I will try these and hope they help me too x

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@Star64 thank you so much for your reply and sharing what has helped you coped. I will try to start thinking like this and hope it will help me too x

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@Karlos thank you so much for your reply. Since my mum passed I have been grieving but these feelings of guilt seemed to come out of the blue , and like you, have hit me hard. I was sole carer for mum for over 4 years up until the last few months of her life when I could no longer manage to work and look after her as her needs became too great. As the other kind people who have responded to my post have said, when I get those horrible feelings of guilt I will try and remember all the positive ways I helped her and hopefully that may help me too. So maybe try that and see if it helps you too x

This sounds like great advice from your councelling. My mum died on Christmas Eve in awful conditions on a quite honestly neglectful ward. I’m in bits reliving the past few days leading up to her death and torturing myself with ways I could have intervened and helped her. But I was there with her as much as I could be and tried my best to protect her even though I was traumatised and exhausted. I hope to be able to find some peace one day, like you have and learn some good coping techniques.