Guilt

I am really struggling with finding my father dead, I feel as if I have let him down and I am ashamed was too caught up in my own life to consider how ill he may be. He was never a good patient and hated hospitals discharging himself all the time. I had phone a dr for him the week before he died but she had been and away by the time I arrived. I am a nurse and feel that I have let him doing by not being there. I had been at a weddding all weekend my son went up on the Friday and he was fine I went in on the Tuesday and found his dead body it’s destroying me as he looked so unloved lying there I wouldn’t have gone to the wedding if had known he had what looked like a gastric bleed laying by the side of the bed. I can hardly function all I am getting are constant flash backs to the images in my head and feel physically sick has anyone else went through this and found ways to deal with the guilt and the loss

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Hi @Karensher I’m so sorry for your loss.
I went through a similar experience. I found mum by her bed in October, she had had a cardiac arrest. She was living with us and less than an hour had passed. It was very quick and she didn’t call out.
Guilt is inevitabile in grief. We always think we could /should have done better, but now you have the benefit of hindsight, which you didn’t have at the time.
Of course you wouldn’t have gone to the wedding if you knew your dad was going to die, but you didn’t know. I still feel guilty 7 months on. If I’d have known mum was going to go so suddenly I wouldn’t have left her side, I would have said and done so much, hugged her and told her how much I loved her etc…it goes on. I didn’t know and I didn’t do all those things.
Mum too wasn’t great those last few days/ weeks, but she also hated hospitals and didn’t even want to see a Dr. I still beat myself up that I didn’t insist on taking her, but I do know she would have rather gone suddenly at home rather than hooked up to machines in a sterile hospital with strangers around her. I’m guessing your dad would have been the same.
Be kind to yourself now. The flashbacks will eventually get less and less and you will realise that it was out of your control.
Sending love and strength. I hope you find comfort here as I have. Reach out any time if you need to talk. Kate xx

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Hi
Thank you so much for your kind message, I have been struggling so much past weeks I felt as if in a living nightmare. As a nurse I nursed my mum she was dying and felt I had given her a dignified a death as possible at home however just feel with my dad this feeling of guilt. Like your mum he hated hospital and would not have gone in I had tried to make him. I think he must have been trying to get to the bed. It has been so good to speak to someone who has went through the same thing as no one can get it and you feel as though people think ok I have heard it before when you processing things and trying to talk. Thank u so much for reaching out to me means a lot

If there is one phrase which binds us all on here it would be “What if, and if only?”.
In time, common sense will start bubbling through and we start to think, “Im not clairvoyant, Im only human with human frailties”. Sometimes I had thoughts which I used to beat myself up with, but eventually I realised that these thoughts were not as I initially interpreted them, and were replaced with more sensible interpretations.
It takes time and honesty with yourself. But it will come.

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I agree, unless they have been through such an awful experience people just do not understand.
You have been through a traumatic event so do all you need to do right now to be kind to yourself.
It’s true that eventually your thoughts will be more balanced but at the moment the guilt is overwhelming. I feel for you.x

I to feel guilty about finding my daughter death, she was only in the bedroom next to me when she died of SUDEP ( sudden death in epilepsy)
The doctor expected that she had a silent seizure and we would only had 3 minutes to revive her.
Then last June my husband had a massive heart attack whilst on holiday l did do CPR but he died 8 days later.
I am an ex nurse but when it’s your own it all goes out of the window . I feel racked with guilt even though my logical mind tells me there was nothing I could have done. Xxx