Guilt

Lost my 46yr old husband suddenly in Nov 21 ,feel like I havent had any support from anywhere ,just still can’t get my head round him phoning me from hospital to say he’d had a fall in the bath and not to worry ,that was the last ever conversation I had with him .I also feel like I drove him to his death taking him to that hospital for a suspected bloodclot .

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You weren’t to know he would fall and that would be the last thing you would hear. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you didn’t know at the time. If he had not gone to hospital and then died at home, you would still be cursing yourself for not taking him.
Blaming yourself is a part of grief but it’s not your fault.
Have you seen your GP or rang them. Maybe you could do with a bit of help.

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The Dr put me on to councillors but was on waiting list a year ,then only got 2 appointments that was it .the Dr also offered me drugs but I declined I dont want to go down that road . I feel angry at the hospital too as they should’ve rang me ,I feel they should be done for neglect and using euthanasia.

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I think guilt is natural part of it - since I lost my partner, all I’ve done is replay the events of the last year since her diagnosis and what I could have done differently, if I’d just been a bit quicker off the mark.
I also blame the hospital to a large extent - they kept her in for 6 weeks searching for an infection at the end because her white blood count was high and crp very high - when I knew it was the liver mets that were causing it - never found any trace of infection and did more harm with powerful anti biotics.
They suspended chemo treatment during this time.
The chemo wasn’t working effectively and the deterioation had reached point of critical mass, but I believe they took a couple of months off her life by suspending treatment and pumping her full of powerful anti biotics of last resort.

I don’t have any answers I’m afraid, just that the self blame is front and centre no matter what anyone says and I know what you’re going through :disappointed_relieved:

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I hate to think of anyone going through what I am ! Its a horrible position to be in ,my concentration is terrible at work ,and customers are going to the two girls that work for me ,And that then makes my anxiety worse .just feels like so many emotions and no end in sight :sleepy:

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I also struggle with concentration at work these days - mind always wandering off at some sort of tangent or get distracted looking at old photos😞
And get so annoyed with people who say you need to celebrate her life and look for the good.
There’s no silver lining, no positive spin and only take away lesson is life is sh!t.
Not very helpful - sorry :disappointed_relieved:

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Well you’re helping me! because you understand my ever changing emotions,where other people just think I should snap out of my doldrums. They just dont get that in 2020 I was a bride then 2021 a widow .

I’m only 8 weeks in, but have realized there’s not going to be a time frame around this - void will always be there, just maybe some day can adapt around it.
It’s also not just what you’ve lost, it’s the future pathway that’s lost and changed forever.
No, people don’t understand - perhaps mean well - but don’t understand until you’ve walked this road.

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@MemoriesOfUs your story is similar to my husbands. He was in hospital for 5 weeks for suspected infection they couldn’t locate. Was pumped full if lots of different antibiotics, anti fungals, fluids etc but nothing worked. Not convinced he every had an infection and came home much worse than he went in. He only lasted a week at home in a distressed state. The whole experience was awful for him and the family.

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I’m hearing more and more about our local hospital and how folk dont come back out ! I wish Id never respected my mother inlaws wishes not to have a postmortem and just gone ahead because now I’m left feeling I have no proof they gave him midazalam.

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I am quite lucky. My neighbour lost her husband just as we moved in 7 years ago so she totally understands what I am going through plus I can see a possible future.

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@Jan17 I took her to India to have TARE treatment done on her liver after NHS wrote her off, which couldn’t be done as the cancer had progressed too far, but when she got back and put her into hospital, they were convinced she had an infection and did blood culture after blood culture - also bacterial, fungal, parasitic, cre and nothing came out of it.

She walked into hospital to be put under observation for a 37.6 temperature and had to be rolled out in a wheel chair 6 weeks later. Died at home 3 and half weeks after discharge.

I have zero faith in medical system and the doctors.
I wish I’d never let her be admitted.

Even the oncology witheld knowledge of a drug called Bevacizumab that restricts blood flow to tumours, which is a worldwide standard for colorectal cancer, because the NHS doesn’t cover it.
I had to go to India to find out she should have been on this as soon as it had spread to her liver. Brought 2 months supply back with me from India and never got the opportunity to use it and see if it would have helped😥

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@Lindy1 Did the midazolam cause the fall?
Why was he on such a powerful sedative in first place for a suspected blood clot?

:sleepy: thats awful !.I gave my daughter instructions ,that if anything happens to me Not to let me go in that hospital but now feel its a lot of hospitals ,makes me so angry .

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No ,he had the fall in the bath (they said he was just stuck ) he rang me to tell me ,next day when i went in he saw me walk in the ward and tears ran down his face and he held his arms out .he couldnt speak and had a bruise across his forehead .when I asked what the bruise was ? I was told it was off the bed guard,Next day I was told they could only make him comfortable ? I heard a nurse talking about midazalam, then as me and his mam and dad were sat waiting for him to pass ,a nurse came in saying "I’m just going to give him his vitamins " ? Why would they give a dying man vitamins ? So many questions not answered .

@MemoriesOfUs yes so similar to what happened to my husband. I guess the cancer causes the temperature spike and bloods to be raised but would have thought oncology would recognise that. Even if his life couldn’t have been prolonged I feel we were cheated of the last few weeks as he wanted to be at home but by the time he got home he was sedated and non verbal for most of it.

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What was cause of death?
Sorry if I’m asking raw questions and no need to answer
Vitamins🙄
It’s as if some of these nurses are first day on job.
We had already effectively had the diagnosis from histology and the surgeon
Then 4 nurses came in and said they need to speak to her - but her partner needs to be present. I was in a meeting for work and took about an hour to get there. So they said we need to wait.
She was in a state, with a syringe driver in her leg full of morphine (24 hr distributor for the dosage).
What would have stopped her breaking plastic open and plunging the driver and o/d on morphine in that hour?
In the end, they told us what we already knew and had been told 2 days previously

My husband only went in with a rash and a swollen ankle .I live in the northeast and this one hospital is getting notorious for this sort of thing .

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@Lindy1 that’s awful. It must have been such a shock for you. Sending hugs.

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