Guilty

Hi, I’ve recently lost my husband to cancer & feel so lost, all I can think about are the times when I wasn’t very nice to him, all the good things I’ve done don’t seem to matter, he loved me warts and all I just wish I’d never argued with him and can’t seem to get past the awful feeling if guilt

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Flower garden…
…I too have been tearing myself up with the same thoughts…thinking of the hurtful things I had said to my Richard that I am repeating now to him over and over again that " I didn’t mean it…" I just hope he can see me and hear me, because I really want him to know that I loved him…I am sure he does know that I did- I do…Same here, I know my Richard just worshipped me, he loved me, he cared for me as I cared for him…I think we are just eaten up with the guilt of not telling our loved one when e was here, and now we are torturing ourselves believing i is now too late…
You and I cant put the clock back, only I wish we could as I lost my Richard suddenly-unexpectedly, just 6 weeks 2 days ago at home…
Focus on the good times, the humour you both shared, talk to him all the cry, open up your feelings, gosh I know I do, even repeating things over and over again, not forgetting asking-begging him for forgiveness…

Jackie…

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Don’t beat yourself up if you can. I experienced the same kinds of feelings and I think it’s our brain’s way of forcing us to feel these things and then release them/cast them off. He knew you loved him and he loved you. We have all said hurtful things and felt so incredibly guilty. I’m nine weeks in and my brain has stopped torturing me with guilt. I hope yours does too. Sending loving thoughts x

Thank you Jackie, I thought I was alone in regretting not being nice at times, but I suppose we are all human and it is human nature to not be a saint at times, who is perfect, suppose another way to think about it is that the hurtful things said to ourselves we didn’t hold on to them and if our husbands knew we were suffering with this guilt they wouldn’t want that

Thank you dark angel, I’m so glad I reached out, I have been feeling like the only person who wasn’t very nice at times, it helps me to find others have felt the same

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hi flower garden,
sorry for the loss of your partner.as regards arguing we all argue once in a while.hopefully you will get support from family and friends or some one on here may well give you a lift.
regards ian

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Thanks Ian, I have found family & friends don’t know what to say as they haven’t experienced this type of loss

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your welcome.personally id sooner friends said bugger all ,as ive had some talk like ive lost a toe nail ,as they are expecting me get over losing my partner Jayne who i was with for 28 years.it will take me ages and at present i dont think i can ever get over losing the most important person ever to be in my life.i hope you get support,maybe bereavement counselling could help you.
regards Ian

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Yes I did think about counselling, I’m glad I found this site with people that are experiencing the same, it feels odd that suddenly your different to your friends and family

Hi flower garden. I am really sorry for your loss. I lost Simon last November and we had been together for 30 years. I can understand the guilt. I was his full time carer for the last two years and I kept asking myself, could I have done more, why did I moan at him sometimes. Hopefully these thoughts will fade. Take care. Janet x

Morning Flower Garden,

So sorry for you loss, I it 12 months and 1 week today since I lost my husband of 50 years very suddenly. We had our moments too, who wouldn’t in 50 years. I always referred them to ‘affectionate hugs by the throat’.

It is a normal part of grieving for our husbands/wives/partners. As the others gave said, don’t beat yourself up about it if you can.

I always promote writing your thoughts and feeling in a journal, as though you are talking h to your husband, in time you’ll probably get random thoughts as you write, thoughts are one way our loved ones in the spirit world make contact.

There us a book I have been reading ‘On Grief and Grieving’ by Elizabeth Kubhler-Ross, I have found this very informative, it explains a great deal about grieving and misconceptions of the stages of grief.

It is all very raw for you at present. Raw for us all really. Since Alan passed away 19th May 2018, 38 hours after the consultant told me further tests revealed a malignancy, (thankfully Alan never got to know the severity of his illness), anyway, there hasn’t been one singje day where I haven’t shed a tear. Last night was a particular bad night, I cried myself to sleep. I wake every morning and the tears flow again.

Please try to look towards your happy memories, the guilt you are feeling will pass it will return several times, but so will all your other emotions including anger,

Your husband knows you loved and still love him, he’ll be close by watching over you.

Truly hope you have a better day today, and know that we are all here to help each other, we’re all travelling the same enforced road in different ways, knowing how you’re feeling.

Take care, blessings
Jen☆

Hello Flower garden, I think we have all been through the guilt of thinking why was I so cruel in things we said to our loved ones. In life we all have times when we get frustrated and things get on top of us and we slash out to our nearest and dearest, I did when my husband was ill and I was caring for him, which was because you are so tired and upset that you couldn’t make him better.
With time it will get easier and you will look back on all the wonderful times you shared and happy memories will come flooding back. Please look after yourself and know everyone on the forum are here for one another.

Guilt was my strongest feeling as well, and often still is 6 years later. In fact, for 4.5 years I could not access any of the good memories at all. Cliff was ill for 2 years, and there were many times during his illness when I was short tempered and critical. It was amazing that he was so gentle with me, but his gentleness accentuated my harsh words. In the end it was my faith that made the difference, and the knowledge that Cliff was such a forgiving person - a much better person than I will ever be!
Annette P

Thank you Jen & barn owl & Annette, it helps that I’m not going mad!

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