I’ve had a really rough day today. I don’t think the lack of uninterrupted sleep has helped, but nevertheless today was awful.
I’ve cried most of the day- really missing my Scott. Then family have been asking for documents for Scott’s car and it all became too much. I ended up snapping at my brother in law and feeling terrible after.
It just feels like everyone is trying to erase Scott and move his things which I know some of it has to be done for financial reasons, but I’ve had zero control over any of this and feel very vulnerable and alone. Scott was the one person I trusted unequivocally and could confide in. But what do you do even the one person you need the most isn’t here.
The demands for inheritance are horrid. And usually unjustified and untimely. Hence an endless stream of art over that topic. Take care and find an hour to rest Just For You.
It’s okay for you to say no to things or I’m just not ready yet. Parting with my husband’s car was very upsetting even though people kept saying it’s no good just sitting there. Then there were his precious tools, I had to say not yet. I still haven’t let anything go and it’s been over six months.
Lack of sleep is awful, I still don’t sleep well. All night I play boring history for sleep on YouTube on my phone. It helps me to focus on that and not panic. I also use rescue remedy when I get in a state, it helps. I take sleepeze tablets from boots, they are herbal so might be worth a try. The doctor gave me a week’s supply of sleeping tablets but I’ve only taken one cut in half. I’m keeping the others incase I get desperate.
Yes I agree with the approach to medicine I cut or grind whatever I have left I have no health care in the US since he died and I also wait 30 minutes to see if I can get through the episode. Mostly because I want to do this on my own. However it has been necessary for medicine at times. The doses I received were not ok if 1/4 pill can bring me to functioning I don’t need a whole one right? Very smart and good advice.
My Scott was a plumber and Heating Engineer, so has lots of tools and equipment as you can imagine. The garage is pretty much his domain and I can hardly bare to go in there. The smell and everything is just him. Which is both comforting and painful at the same time.
I’ve kept his work hoodie which smells of him and that goes on the pillow on his side of the bed. The little things that I’ve found myself doing to make me feel closer to him are insane. Some people might find it strange but I’m protective of how things as they’re the last bits of him.
Luckily our little girl (Frankie) is the double of her daddy and that does bring me lots of comfort.
The dreaded urn arrived today too in the middle of one of my meltdowns, and as beautiful as it is it’s another reminder that he’s not here with me. Perhaps I’ll get some comfort when we can collect his ashes? Not sure if anyone else has found comfort in this?
Would you recommend speaking to a professional/ doctor? The lack of sleep is making me feel delirious. And, as you’ll know, the worst thing is waking up and remembering the nightmare that im living in, so waking up more then once throughout the night is adding to the horrid pain xx
Definitely speak to your GP. My GP phoned me and offered the sleeping tablets after my son told them I’d not slept . I do prefer the herbal tablets, it might be just that I think they help. I was too scared of getting hooked on the doctors tablets. Have you tried rescue remedy? It’s like a tiny shot of brandy. At first I would wake in a panic and need to get outside. I found that a few drops of rescue remedy helped me calm down.
My husband was a joiner/ builder so you can imagine how precious his tools were to him. Our house is only partially renovated, he was finishing fitting the new kitchen when he just fell to the floor. Im now trying to finish some of the the things he started using his tools. I talk to him all the time I’m doing it, I’m sure he’d be horrified at the amount of filler I’m getting through (mixed with tears)
Oh I’d not heard of that but will have a look. I too wake up in a panic.
I totally understand the tools and jobs in our own house always being the last on his list. Scott ripped out our en-suite before Christmas and didn’t get round to putting it back in, so I now have an empty room. That’s typical of Scott he would often say “that’s a job for another day.” Xx
There is so much to do, I think all men are the same. I didn’t know my husband hadn’t finished round the new windows he had fitted until I took down the curtains to paint. I have fallen trees, a collapsing canal bank and badgers that constantly dig up the lawn. Sometimes I feel like it’s a sign I should sell.
The rescue remedy can’t do any harm. I find distraction works best for me. For the first few months I left the TV on low in the bedroom. A boring TV drama with lots of episodes so it played all night. Now I have boring history for sleep on my phone. I can’t bear waking in the night so have to have something to stop me thinking.
I am 1 year into bereavement and I hear you on the confusion I inherited. What I discovered and suspected is that my spouse had issues that I don’t so I can solve those problems but he couldn’t. I’ve already got waders on and the slog will begin when the weather’s right. Haven’t sunk yet.
For me that was not ok overall because the medicines I was given were very serious and debilitating. I’m in the US however. So I used over the counter and homeopathic remedies. I also wore fat blanket pajamas for months for padding and to help me drift off even for an hour. Melatonin was not my friend. Believe it or not caffeine helped. Also strong peppermint tea. Like I needed a jolt to move from stasis to sleep. Wake up and sleep now. Also every minute is precious to me. So no judgement for 20 restless minutes. Can you scale back at all so you can give your self space to process some stress. We get on autopilot I think.
I feel so sorry for you but you are not alone. It’s horrible when someone dies. You feel lost. I feel on the Sue Ryder site we all can help each other. Im not good at sharing. This weekend is hard when all you see are adverts for valentine’s day. I’ve felt very sad this week and I know you will feel the same way. Please know we are all here for you. Forget everyone else. I try to do something nice for myself. I can’t stay in as I feel worse. Tomorrow night I have invited friends round and I was honest with them. I said I didn’t want to be alone as I felt sad. I’m going to have a great night. Don’t be afraid to tell people how you feel. I have learned that. Don’t hide your feelings. Be honest or you will just suffer. Love to you x
