Had enough.

No, there is no answer. And even if there were, I can’t see how that answer would ever justify the early death of my partner. As most on here I am sure would agree, it just seems all so….senseless. I’m not religious and in my view if there were a god there are two possible scenarios. He could have either stopped her from dying and chose not to, or he couldn’t have stopped it at all. If it’s the former then that’s not the sort of god I would want to follow and if it’s the latter then there’s not much point in following him in the first place. There’s always the old chestnut – god works in mysterious ways. Well, if I’m wrong and there is a god - the only thing I would pray for is the chance to tell him face to face, “You can stick your mystery where the sun don’t shine”.

No, there are no answers, just endless questions. One that rattles around my mind constantly: Is it better to have had something special and lost it, or never to have had it to begin with?

Dear Chris
Sometimes living is too much to bear because all that you valued or loved in your life has gone. I feel very much as you do, I lost my husband nearly 3 months ago. Everyday there is nothing wonderful to enjoy or to look forward to. It is dark, miserable and empty. The future is frightening. I would like to think things will become easier in time, as friends tell me they will, but now, today I am desperately unhappy and do not want to carry on. You are not alone with your feelings I share them too. Please keep reading the messages on this site, they help. I wish there was a place we could all go to to be with those who are suffering this loss.

Hello Chris
I hope you are still reading these posts, they help to know you are not alone or unusual with your thoughts of how devastating the loss of a deeply loved wife or husband is to endure. I find each day just as hard as it was 3 months ago when John died. There is no future for me that looks agreeable let alone happy. Adapting to life as it is now has no meaning for me and my heart aches.
Suicide seems to be a way to stop the pain, I wish it was available to those who simple see life as a long slow agony. Barbara

Hi Barbara, I’m so sorry you are feeling that you don’t want to carry on.
Please do remember that you can reach out to the Samaritans or one of the other support options that Priscilla mentioned in her reply to Chris earlier in the thread.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Mick
Online Community team

I think we’ve got to hang onto what our loved ones would want for us. They want us to be happy and thrive. That will take time, but we can love and remember them whilst taking care of ourselves. It will be a difficult journey and it will take time. Slowly we will come through the stages of grief to a place where we can accept our loss but also carry them with us with joy.

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I will never accept my loss - ever. As for for hanging on to what my partner would want for me? She doesn’t want anything for me - she’s dead. And I wish I was.

Chris, I think anybody who has lost a partner and soul mate has the feeling they no longer wish to live . For most these thoughts are fleeting. But I can see from your post you have been feeling this way for a while now. My husband died suddenly a month ago. So I know how you feel. But you must live on. It’s hard and unbearable at times I know but you need to give yourself permission to grieve, and also to live. I really think you need to tell a close friend how you feel. Let out your feelings and allow someone to support you . My heart goes out to you and you really are not alone x

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Hi,
I respect your thoughts but I can’t agree with them.
Some people.who’ve lost a partner do wish to live on many others don’t.

My lifelong partner died suddenly and unexpectedly 19 months ago.
Like Chris and many others, I’ll never accept the way his life, my life and our retirement have all been destroyed.
I’ve never wanted to live on without him and as the months go by I still don’t.
Why must we live on ?
I wouldn’t want my soulmate to go through the last 19 months and I know he wouldn’t have wanted me to suffer day after day with no end in sight.
Friends, family, counsellors know how I feel but what can they do ?
All I get is -
" You’ll feel better in time" - After 19 months I feel worse than ever.
" Keep busy" - Keeping busy makes no difference.
“Find something to give meaning to your life”.Whatever I try I’ve got no interest in, my life has no meaning now.
The stages of grief are a “one size fits all” formulaic solution to grief that seems to be all counsellors can offer.
Many of us don’t fit this solution and I find it totally dismissive of the way i
feel.
I’ve lost my lifelong day to day companion, confidante and my entire way of life. Why do I want to live on ?

Friends and family have their own lives and problems and are often unable to deal with another person’s grief.
All very sympathetic at first but as time goes on apart from the odd coffee, meal or phone call I hardly see them.
Many people have nobody.
It sounds as if Chris has been grieving, still is grieving and always will be for his loved one.
My heart goes out to anyone who feels as he does and as I do.
For those who do want to build a new life good luck to you.
Wishing everyone a few moments peace.Jx

I haven’t been dismissive of Chris’s feelings. I said I think we all feel like we don’t want to live without our other halves. I just wouldn’t want to make my loved ones and friends feel like I do now. So I will have to carry on.

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Chris…
…yes this i our medics answer to everything, " pills " anti-depressants and " counselling, " of which they may serve there purpose for some but at the end of the day they wont bring our partners-our beloved back to us, and of course this is all what we are wanting…
I have had telephone counesilling ut refuse to pump pills down my throat, besides i have to be careful as i have MS of what damage to my MS body they could do to me…but to be honest i personally am not a " pill popper… " ah yes my GP was also another who’s first response was to put me on anti-depressants, her cure all answer to everything, oh yes they will bring back my Richard, my three fur-babies, get rid of my PP-MS, such a miracle cure, i think NOT…Chris, you go with your gut instinct, do what is right for you…

Jackie…

I omitted to mention, I have refused to pill-pop. pill popping is definitely not for me…I will not mess up my inside body, this is my only body…I will remain in control of it…this is my body…

I didn’t say you had been dismissive of Chris’s feelings. You obviously wanted to help him

I said, I found, the " 5 stages of grief" used by counsellors etc. as a way of giving us hope for the future, is dismissive of my feelings .

Hello Chris,
I understand exactly how you feel and I share the same feelings. This site is a comfort because people on here understand and will take the time to send you words of support. I read it everyday. Please write to me if I can help in any way. Barbara

I wish we could all be fixed x

Well one question would not take long to answer, as the well known Christmas song goes…" all i-we want for Christmas is…" you can forget about our two front teeth…

Jackie…

Apologies, my above post was meant to have been posted elsewhere, our Christmas topic…

Amen to that Diverliz, and one day we will be with our loved ones in Paradise.
It’s knowing that she is watching over me from heaven that keeps me going.
God may forgive me for ending it all, I’m not sure she will, she still wants to experience life through me.
Take care, Carl.

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Thank you for your reply Mick. I have spoken to the Samaritans and I have a counsellor from Katherine House Hospice. I have no plans for committing suicide but it would be a release from the anguish. My days are desperately lonely and I cannot see any future, so I understand completely how Chris is feeling.

Jackie, I am impressed. You are a strong and sensible lady and I am sure you will one day feel some peace.
Recently there has been media attention about anti-depressants and the difficulty that people are having getting off them again. A Doctor who was seeing a young man who was grieving and found that his GP had put him on antidepressants immediately had them stopped. He claimed that people needed to grieve and I’m inclined to agree, although it’s proving very hard. I wouldn’t want to find myself hooked on tablets to add to my problems. xx

You would be better off reading some neuroscience and how modern SSRI and SNRI antidepressants act with the receptors in the brain rather than pay attention to media hype.
I was against taking medication but in the end requested it. I read the science first. Different things work for different people. I am here typing, still alive, partly due to pills and a lot to do with support from my church and other caring people.
Pills don’t stop the grief, they allow you to process it and lessen the probability of joining our loved ones by our own hands.
Take care, Carl.