Hard times

Really feeling it tonight our sons birthday tomorrow first one he’s missed and it’s 11 weeks tomorrow since he left us. Writing the card :sob: how do I get through tomorrow


Hi Sah28, its really is shit isn’t it! It’s been 9 months for me and I’ve found that the worst part of any birthday or anniversary is the anticipation, all the fears that mount up about the pain to be endured. It’s the hardest part to overcome, and I rarely do. But the thing is, for me, I’ve always found that my fears never live up to the reality of how things go on the day. Sure there are often tears and it’s difficult to navigate but somehow it’s always different from how I imagined, and often strangely rewarding, getting through, knowing it can be done. Sometimes I go off and do things differently from how my wife and I used to do them together, I don’t know if that’s an option? Sometimes it helps to create new rituals. But most of all, just take your time, things will unfold on the day.


It’s hard 3 kids all still at home youngest is 11. The brave face goes on for them but don’t know how much longer I can keep it there


@Walan is so right about the anticipation of events is usually worse than the actual event. It must be so hard but don’t always put the game face on. Let your children see that it’s ok to cry about him and ok not to be ok. It’ll be so hard for all of you to understand your feelings and the grief right now. Your grief will also feel different from theirs.

All the firsts are so hard but you will get through them. The days don’t stop for us unfortunately and the day will happen whether we want it to or not.

I hope the day goes ok and that you get to celebrate your son.


I do with My 2 older ones 21 and 19 we talk we laugh we cry but my youngest is autistic so the brave face has to stay were he is. I think writing the card has hit me hopefully tomorrow will be different


I totally agree that the anticipation of a birthday, anniversary or any other event, can be worse than the actual day. I absolutely dreaded my dear husband’s 80th birthday last May but, we managed to celebrate it, albeit sadly, in a way he would have approved. He even had his special cake.
I hope you can celebrate your son’s birthday and share all your love for him.


Feeling for you at this time. As @Ali29 says, all these firsts are so difficult.
I also find the anticipation is often worse than the actual days I’ve been dreading but that doesn’t make it any easier to tell myself that the next time.

My younger daughter grieves completely differently from me and my older daughter. She is undiagnosed but likely ASD too and lives in the moment so it depends what the moment is for her.
She can hug me and look after me when I get upset but if she is upset she needs me not to be. As you will know, that’s so difficult to achieve.

I have found twice now that a couple of days after she has comforted me she falls apart so I think now that that’s the knock on effect so I’ll need to try and be more careful.

11 weeks is so early to deal with your loss on any normal day even. You will get though it though and please know that we are here for you.
I don’t get on here as much as I’d like to but I am part of a zoom group from here who ‘meet up’ that way. We have found support from each other helps so much.
We sometimes talk about difficult times and at other times it can be complete nonsense and have a laugh together.

It is a year and three months since I suddenly lost my darling 60 year old husband who was seemingly very fit and well. I didn’t think I could survive a week never mind this long but I am doing ok a lot of the time. There are other times when I’m not but I know I’ll get through on the end.
If you’d like to join our zoom group at any time please let me know. That applies to anyone who would like to try it.

Love to you and your family
Karen xxx


Thanks Karen :heart: