Hi all, I’m new here to please bear with.
In June this year I had a text from my brother telling me our dad had been found dead . A brief back story now…I didn’t see dad much when I was growing up. I remember seeing him occasionally on the odd weekend when he used to pick me up and take me out for the day etc, but that stopped when I was quite young and then all contact was lost. I was always told by my mum and my gran that he couldn’t be bothered/didn’t want to see me. As a child I accepted this. I was then always told he was a waste of space and he was always made out to be a monster by my mum and my gran. My brother wanted nothing to do with him either (half brother)
Anyway fast forward to this year, the news came as a shock. I was talking with my partner at the start of the year about how once we had a car back on the road and I had recovered from my broken elbow, that we should try and find him and rekindle a father-daughter relationship. This never happened because of Covid 
and then I got the message from my brother.
A couple of weeks past, no one told me of any funeral arrangements, it wasn’t until after that I had contact from my dads sister (my auntie) in America telling me she had sorted everything. Anyway a week or so passed and we exchanged some emails, and it turned out dad had kept a lot of things, photos, solicitors letters court letters etc, all relating to him having regular access to me. His neighbours bought the box over to me and I spent a great deal of time looking through all these documents and photos. Even copies of letters he had sent to me, but I never received as a child, explaining why the contact suddenly stopped. He wasn’t the monster they made him out to be. Delving further into the paperwork I found child psychiatrist reports…mum tried making out I was always mentally disturbed when I came back from visiting him and that I didn’t want to go. According to the report it was the opposite. I wanted to spend time with my dad, but was scared to say so to mum for ‘fear of upsetting her’
It’s something I’ll never question her about, as even now, she wants nothing spoken of him.
I’m really struggling to process all this information though. And I keep beating myself up for not trying to find him sooner (turns out he was only living a short drive from me, and that I play in his village brass band 
) he lived alone and was struggling. He had brilliant neighbours who looked after him and made sure he wasn’t alone at Christmas etc
The coroners report states he had a fall down his stairs and broke his neck resulting in instant fatality, again something I struggle to come to terms with - if I had got in touch sooner maybe I could of prevented such a thing by getting relevant help for him around the home 
His inquest is happening on Monday coming. The scattering of his ashes is happening this weekend.
I keep having the most horrendous vivid dreams of him, dying, but his face is mixed between other loved ones I’ve lost (like my gran and my aunt) and living family (like my youngest children who are 3 and 4) all these dreams take place in my aunts house. These images haunt me during the day and I’m struggling to cope with it all. I can feel my mood has dropped greatly, I no longer find enjoyment in cooking or playing/learning my music etc and my patience is very thin with the children. I know I should probs my seek help from my GP but the process of getting an appointment is very hard at the moment I thought maybe talking here might help, or if someone can offer me advice if they’ve been in a similar position?