I know I worry about silly things but one thing that scares me is that I could be alone now forever, I’m only 38. I was with my husband for 20 years. He died by suicide, I find myself feeling quite angry towards him even though I knew he was ill mentally. I feel angry that he just left me here and I’m supposed to live the rest of my life without him.
When he first died people kept saying I might remarry as I’m still young. This filled me with horror, I wanted my husband back, I never wanted to have to think about moving on. Now, 6 months on, I still feel the same, I can’t ever imagine wanting anyone else, apart from my husband. At the same time I think I could be here for another 40+ years, is it realistic to think I’ll be alone forever? Does time change the way we feel?
Hi @Kat1984 it’s a difficult one. Of course you never thought you would find yourself in this position. None of us did. As you say, you can’t imagine yourself with anyone else and I can totally understand that. But you are still a young woman and in time, you may find that you want to find love again. Only you will know if and when you are ready to take that step again. People do go on to marry again and there are people on this site who have. For now, I wish you well. Take care.X
Thank you. That’s the problem with grief, since the minute my husband died, I’ve either found myself wallowing in the past or worrying about the future. I guess you’re right, I need to live in the present and see how I feel on a day to day basis. I remember thinking " I can’t possibly live 40+ years without him." Then it dawned on me that I might be dead sooner than that, we never truly know what’s round the corner.
I used to want to die to be with him, I don’t anymore. So I guess that’s a change I never thought would come. I’m more stuck in the depression stage at the minute. X
@Kat1984 I am so sorry this has happened to you at such a young age. I have three friends who were bereaved in their 40s. Two never remarried but one did. He met a widow who had lost her husband at the same time. They were both involved in the same
charity work and gradually got to know each other. They both talk about their lost partners without inhibition and mark their anniversaries. He sent me photos to mark what would have been her 70th birthday in March as she was one of my wife’s close friends. They are very happy. I guess it will be whatever life throws at you. xx
You’re right, I guess I should have a wait and see attitude. I certainly didn’t see my husband’s death coming that’s for sure. I used to have faith in gods plan and what’s meant to be, will be. I just find I’ve lost myself a lot lately, I’m not sure what I believe in anymore. When I used to believe and have this attitude I know I was happier though. I hope it comes back. X
@Kat1984 like you, I don’t want to be with anyone else but equally could live another 40 years and the thought of
being in my own that long is hard, pointless even! Day at a time and see what happens. I like company but that doesn’t have to be another partner x
Do you find yourself screaming inside that you just want your person back? I do all the time. There is nothing else I want. Knowing that it’s impossible and no amount of begging or bargaining won’t change a thing is literally the most depressing feeling in the world.
When my husband first died, I thought I’d never get another partner again as I don’t think I could get through losing someone I loved, ever again. In that first month I thought I was going to die myself, I could feel myself being sucked into a black hole, I was scared I’d never get out. To have to go through that pain again terrifies me, but then I think the first cut is the deepest. I don’t think anything could be as bad as what I’ve already been through, apart from losing one of my kids, ( god forbid) I hope I die long before that.
I scream loud whenever i feel the need. I ache inside all the time, a real physical ache and want him back all the time. Some days the pain is so great that I wonder how I will survive it but I do. It’s been 9 weeks today and I am in a better place than week 1. That said, I still cry every day, I still wish for him to come back but I have calmer times in-between.
I just have to take a day at a time, what will be will be. Life can change in a heart beat for the worse and also the better. I’m just going to go with the flow. Shed my tears when I need to, talk when I need to and put one foot in front of the other and hopefully one day it wont be all consuming and I can get in with some semblance of life that I can cope with everyday x
Yeh ive said that too … wish id gone with him … and i cant bear thought of anybody else either but as you say seems like a long time to be alone … none of us know whats round the corner so that’s why its best to live a day at a time and c what life brings:( its horrible though isnt it cos we didnt have a choice in this did we ;( thats what i find hard ! Theres no way out of it we have to go on this painful journey
I do … i want to scream … i want him back !! I dont want any other person its awful that yearning isnt it ?
Yes, it feels like being homesick and you can’t ever go home. It’s awful, I carry an unease round with me constantly. I can’t imagine ever being normal again or having long periods where I don’t think of him. It’s excruciating at times. X
Yep … i just feel strange without him near me ! Like ive lost this big support … im trying but its not easy xx
And another thing … people are so nasty arent they ! Im sick of these horrible people around me ! So damn tactless ! One woman i know today said when discussing council tax - oh you will het a discount now won’t you now youre by yourself ! Wow !!! I said yeh thanks for reminding me about that! I actually cried when i saw that on my bill bloody people for ya ! Wow only 4 month’s in to my bereavment and the knives are out
I don’t know if people realise what they say. I would rather pay triple council tax than have this. I’d take anything over this. People have no idea.
My husband struggled with addiction and our lives were a living hell, loads of people have said to me “at least now you are free from all that” yes but I’m now imprisoned forever with his loss, I’d take the addiction any day! At least I had hope before now I have nothing!!
Yeh i know what you mean i would take anything over this sadness and loss. Have you read languages of loss by sasha bates. Its brilliant ! She describes the unbelievable pain of losing her husband !! Its veey honest about the pain we go through xx
Thanks I’ll look at getting that
I ordered mine through WHSmith xx
Like you I thought the same. My husband passed suddenly with cancer. There was nothing they could do.
I decided very early on my journey I was not going to sink. I floundered for a while.
Seven months on I met someone new. I beat myself up thinking it was too soon. But my friends and family supported me.
My new partner is very supportive of my journey and we often talk about my husband. We are making plans to travel together and make memories.
I could never replace him but I can move on in a new chapter in my book of life. Nobody can write it but you
Do what’s right for you. Take care. I’m
Yeh hope is better than nothing isnt it people have no idea !!!, xxx
My friend told me to stop worrying about what might happen in the future, if I did meet someone and click then go from there, depending on how I feel at the time. So I think she’s right.
I just can’t imagine ever being in another relationship, my husband was with me for 20 years, since I was 17. It would feel so odd. I guess I need to just try and keep an open mind. X