My husband died on 6 October after fighting renal cancer for 11 years. When i say that people say “i am so sorry” and tilt their head in that sympathetic way. I am 51 years old and Ed was 55. I feel totally cheated, not just that he has gone, thats hard but because the cancer spread to his brain and for the last 4 years he wasn’t himself. I lived with a stranger that was for short periods the man i married but they got less as time went by. I feel gutted we are not going to grow old together, he will not be walking our daughter down the isle but most of all that I didn’t get when i signed up for. My best friend for as long as we both live. We had 36 years together but so much of that was fighting to keep our heads above the water financially and raising the kids. Now should be the time we are enjoying life. I hate having to rely on people for things and i hate asking for help.
I hate that people have moved on and the whole time heals crap. It won’t heal i’ll just get better at hiding my grief. Its been 2 months and i am much better at it already.
His family have been horrible since he went. I was really reluctant to see them the first couple of weeks, they wanted to share their grief with me and I didn’t want anyone else’s grief, mine was heavy enough. At the funeral I wasn’t overly friendly to them but i was feeling overwhelmed and distressed. Now 2 months on his dad and one sister has contacted me but his brother and other sister have decided not to speak to me. If i am honest i am not overly concerned by their behaviour but i know Ed would be heartbroken by this.
I feel like i am rambling and i am not sure what i want from this community but felt the need to just put some of my feelings out there.
I know that in the future i will start to live again but I cannot imagine not feeling sad about losing him and cheated out of my future.
Thank you for listening