He died

My husband died on 6 October after fighting renal cancer for 11 years. When i say that people say “i am so sorry” and tilt their head in that sympathetic way. I am 51 years old and Ed was 55. I feel totally cheated, not just that he has gone, thats hard but because the cancer spread to his brain and for the last 4 years he wasn’t himself. I lived with a stranger that was for short periods the man i married but they got less as time went by. I feel gutted we are not going to grow old together, he will not be walking our daughter down the isle but most of all that I didn’t get when i signed up for. My best friend for as long as we both live. We had 36 years together but so much of that was fighting to keep our heads above the water financially and raising the kids. Now should be the time we are enjoying life. I hate having to rely on people for things and i hate asking for help.

I hate that people have moved on and the whole time heals crap. It won’t heal i’ll just get better at hiding my grief. Its been 2 months and i am much better at it already.

His family have been horrible since he went. I was really reluctant to see them the first couple of weeks, they wanted to share their grief with me and I didn’t want anyone else’s grief, mine was heavy enough. At the funeral I wasn’t overly friendly to them but i was feeling overwhelmed and distressed. Now 2 months on his dad and one sister has contacted me but his brother and other sister have decided not to speak to me. If i am honest i am not overly concerned by their behaviour but i know Ed would be heartbroken by this.

I feel like i am rambling and i am not sure what i want from this community but felt the need to just put some of my feelings out there.

I know that in the future i will start to live again but I cannot imagine not feeling sad about losing him and cheated out of my future.

Thank you for listening

Xx

Hello Jilly. I am so so sorry for your loss and suffering both now and the years of your beloved husband’s illness. You won’t get any crap on this site, only truth, truth of our feelings which will often mirror your own.

Like you, I feel cheated too. My husband died very suddenly 18 months ago, no illness, a fit and healthy man. He had just retired two and a half months previously. I feel he was cheated too. He had been looking forward to retirement but only managed a couple of measly months. I thought we would grow old together - I used to picture us as an old, doddery couple walking hand in hand.

I hope you feel better for writing your feelings down. It always works for me. I write a journal to my husband telling him about ordinary day to day stuff and how much I love him and how I’m feeling. It helps keep him alive although there’s never any fear of him dying.

Don’t worry Jilly, you don’t have to imagine not feeling sad because the sadness will never leave. Even though we have our lives to live, there will be sadness in every day.
Sadness is the one thing we can depend on - it’s become our new best friend.

Sending you love xx

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Jilly. Yes, sadness may not leave us and I agree with you. Platitudes are alright and most people are caring, but unless you have suffered in this way you can never know. My wife died a month ago and we have had the funeral. We were both getting on and had been married for many years. My wife had dementia at the end so I know what you mean about living with someone with that awful complaint. It’s such a shame when families fall out at this time just when everyone should be pulling together. Compassion is often lacking at times like this. I am lucky in that I am surrounded by good friends and neighbours who help me a lot. I agree with Kate. Writing down how you feel can help, and talking to our loved one can also be a comfort. Everyone will come to terms with bereavement in their own way. There are no rules or ways of doing it because each person is a unique individual. Try not to not ask for help. We do need it at a time like this and contrary to what we may believe, there are some kind and loving people out there. As for being on this site. I have found it so comforting to listen to others who are going through the same dreadful time. Sharing grief and knowing someone understands can be helpful Nothing can really take away the pain, but we do need each other.

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Hi jilly, so sorry for your loss hun big hugs x

My husband died very suddenly on 22nd November 2018, we were married for 23 years, I have lost my soulmate, best friend, the most special person in my life, I am 44 he was 62, I am so lost without him and just feel so lost.

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