Heartbroken and feeling lonely

After losing my dad 6 years ago to cancer it totally broke my heart. Part of me has always been happy for his release as he’d suffered so much through the years and was a shadow of the man he used to be. I’d managed to get my head around it all and although it still broke me at times I’d come to terms with it all. Then 5 weeks ago I lost my mum :cry: suddenly and unexpectedly. She’d been diagnosed with a slow growing cancer 8 years ago but it had been controllable over time through monthly injections, a round of chemo and then more recently a years course of PRRT a type of radiotherapy which she’d finished her final round 7 weeks prior to her passing. On the day she was admitted to hospital we’d arranged for her to come to me for dinner, a Chinese which was our favourite together. As she was about to leave she had a call from her doctor at 7pm advising her that the blood test she’d had earlier that day showed low white blood cells and he requested she went straight to A&E… Chinese went out of the window but id promised we’d have it in the next few days to make up for it. Having attended she was admitted and given extra platelets to boost her white cells. This worked and she was given a course of I.V antibiotics. Due to COVID she was only allowed 1 visitor which was to be the same each day… Out of 2 brothers and myself It was decided it would be me. Over the next few days she was looking forward to being let home and then given the blow she had to stay in until her 7 day Antibiotics course was completed. Reassuring her she was in the best place and to enjoy the rest she accepted it. On the 4th day of her being admitted her bloods dropped again :worried: I spoke to her consultant on the ward and asked if they had spoke to Royal free hospital whom she was under for her cancer. I then found out that they hadn’t and we’re not aware she was still being treated for cancer :roll_eyes: My mum had explained it all when she was admitted, I’d spoke to them through video call when she was in a&e so I know they had been told!!! They eventually spoke to them on the Wednesday 6 days after her being admitted and were arranging for a bone marrow test the next day. She’d been put on total bed rest, got her self all upset but i’d managed to ease her panic and at 9pm she’d been laughing and joking on the phone. Unfortunately I had a call at 4am requesting me to go straight to her as she’d had a very bad turn for the worse. Having arrived at hospital she’d suffered 2 bleeds on the brain, one either side and was in a very bad way. She was unable to communicate, and wasn’t responding at all. She finally passed away at 1.30pm. We then had the painstaking task of breaking the news to my Nan who’s been in lockdown at a care home at the age of 91. Ive since spoken to her consultant at Royal Free and they have a feeling that her cancer had progressed to leukaemia, which is a 1% chance of a side effect of the PRRT.
The pain doesn’t seem to be easing and I just feel so lonely, I feel so empty and like I have no one there for me anymore. The pain and loss seems so much more this time around… It just doesn’t seem to be easing. I have 2 gorgeous children and my boyfriend of 15 years but it just doesn’t feel right I’ve been left without any parents. I’m trying to keep it all together as much as possible for my Nan but I’m finding myself breaking more and more :cry: I feel like she’d been robbed of her last few months with being holed up due to COVID. I have no reason for this post other than I just need it all off my chest to see if it helps :cry:

I’m so sorry to hear about your mam. It’s good to talk, to get it off your chest. I have a partner and have her loving family but I feel I have no one. I feel lost. I now have no parents and feel so sad. I lost my mam a year ago. Talking on here helps so keep talking. Getting things off your chest really does help.
Your mam sounds like she didn’t suffer and having you there, laughing and joking on with her would have been so nice and comforting for your mam. One of the last things I said to my mam was the nurse said you are a pain in the bum and my little mams face and her little cute smile. All the nurses loved her so she knew it was a joke. I lost my mam so quick. We didn’t know what was wrong.
On here you can talk so whenever you need us we will be there :blush:

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Hi alocin,
I’m sorry to read about the loss of your parents and more recently the sudden loss of your mum. My dad died when he was 53 of a sudden heart attack. I thought that this was a tragic blip in my life but that everything else would be good. 20 years passed without issue. Then last june my funny and very capable 74 year old mum went into hospital for an operation to clear a blocked artery. She was coming home the next day and I had booked a weeks special leave at work so that I could look after her.
We had a lovely dinner the night before the op and as we walked down to the operating theatre chatted about our holiday in 8 weeks time.
My mum suffered a bleed on the brain in the recovery room and never woke again. We turned her life support off the following day.
Sudden death is so hard (no death is good but sudden death robs us of opportunities to prepare)
Being without parents has been such a blow and changed me as a person forever.
I also have a lovely partner and a daughter aged 13 but I’ve lost my history, my past and my anchor.
So I totally understand how you are feeling.
Cheryl x

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Hi Alocin,
Sorry to read about the loss of your mum, I lost my own mum in June this year from cancer. Like you I also feel lost and lonely having lost my dad 20 years ago from a heart attack. I have found it worse as I am an only child so I don’t have any brothers or sisters to share my grief with. Luckily I do have cousins I can talk to but I don’t really tell them how I am really feeling, I have started to have counselling, which I am finding it does help[ to get things of your chest.

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