Dear Sduns, I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. You are being brave coming on to this site in your grief, but here you will find understanding. All of us on this site are grieving for a loved one. My dear husband died 3 years ago, after 59 years of marriage. I found myself in a ‘new’ world as a Widow. However, on this community site I realised I could learn how others in the same position were coping with grief. We share our feelings, on sad datscsnd when we also had good days. I found it strange sometimes to experience quite a ‘good’ day, able to cope happily with shopping, meeting people, and then, later be in floods of tears
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Part of my letter is missing???
HiWong
I’m glad it gave you some hope. It’s different for everyone. Ive struggled at times, but know this is still life and I owe it to my darling husbands to try to keep going.
It’s not the same and never will be, but it becomes something you live along side of. It’s the price we sadly pay for the love we shared. Loves lives on. XChristina
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This is really an extension of my above letter to Sdunds, which unfortunately disappeared!
In continuing to those suffering recent loss of a loved one, I will say I know how it feels when trying to pick up pieces of your shattered life and carry on. Looking back I now realise that the tears. had to flow, the uncertaintainty of the future, coupled with the loneliness and isolation of the pandemic . How could we expect to continue ‘as normal’ after such life-changing. How helpful it was to be able to write on this site with my concerns, and find other people feeling just the same. I can say now that naturally I still miss my wonderful husband, and always will, but can now appreciate I am able to live and smile with the beautiful memories of our life together. That the life we had, our family, fun days, sad days, the blessedness of our love for each other now keep me going. My love and best wishes to you all. Deidre.
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Hi Chrissy 3,
You e put into words what our grief is like.So sorry you’ve had to join up with the rest of us in this horrendous situation
After 53 years together my same sex wife died suddenly in front of me at home…
I can’t believe it still.Its too big to comprehend.I cry out to her, asking where she is.
Glad you are like me getting help from this site
Thinking of you
Vee 1
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Vee1
What you said about it being too big to comprehend and crying out where are you rang so true to me. It is 7 weeks now since I lost my husband and rather than getting better it is getting harder as it becomes more real. People talk about remembering all the good times but all those memories just hurt at the moment as reminders that he is not here and I will never be able to say to him ‘remember when’. I love my garden and gardening but every time I go out there every plant is a reminder of him as we bought them together and rather than being a comfort it just reminds me that we can never share the joy of it again. I just want to run away.
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Vee 1 agree that it is getting worse. After 5 months it hurts more than ever. I think that the first weeks I was numb from shock. I could howl, and did, But I couldn’t feel, not really feel, my brain wouldn’t let the feelings in because I couldn’t have coped. The tears didn’t come. I began to think that there was something wrong with me. I could only remember the last horrendous night and what he went through. Then I started to remember the last two years when he was really poorly. Still it didn’t hit home. My children and grandchildren made collages of photographs of the good times. They are on the walls around me. Now the good memories are coming back and the pain is here. The tears are here. The loneliness deep inside. This evening I took a glass of wine into the garden to sit as we used to. Why? He isn’t here to talk to or to plan with. I came back inside lonelier than ever. I hope it will get better one day but that day is far away I fear.
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Hi Nidrigirl
Yes it goes on doesn,t it.I was watching tv tonight, and as usual , started thinking of her last moments and cried and howled.I really can’t believe, After 53 years, she has gone.
How lovely, your collages.Wonderfull for you to look at.Like I am, can you not stop thinking?Even when driving it comes into my mind that she’s gone, and I howl.
I,m seeing a berievement councillor once a week, and she helps.
You can pour your heart out, I look forward to my sessions.Might this help you do you think? Thinking of your pain, Vee 1
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Hi nidrigirl and Vee1
It sounds like we are going through very similar experiences as are a lot of people on this site. I have started talking to a hospice volunteer once a week which I think is going to help. Last night and this morning I tried talking to him as if he was here. It seemed to help. Just telling him how I was feeling but also telling him I knew I would get through it. Also just chatting about mundane things. It felt better to do it. Of course the tears came but when don’t they?
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I don’t think a councillor would help me although I do know they help other people. Both my step son and daughter have had telephone counselling recently for different reasons. They have both been helped. No one can help stop the thoughts in my head, the whirlwind that keeps going round and round. Only i can make the decisions I have to make. Where to live. I have no family immediately close by. No friends. We left Greece,after a wonderful ten years, because our grandchildren finally started to come along. We chose where we live in Cheshire because we both fell in love with it and thought we could be happy here, together. Now it’s just a place where I have no roots and no good memories. It was only two years after we arrived that Vic had his first stroke. That led to seizures and eventually vascular dementia. Covid finally played the winning hand. He was too weak to fight it. He knew what was happening to him right to the end and it was a heartbreaking long, slow journey for him. Those are the memories I have of here. Sorry for the essay, I needed to pour it out.
I do the same.I talk to Vic and feel that he gives me answers. Perhaps he does, as we both felt the same about so many things. I just feel as if I’m treading water, going from one day to another without any aim or reason. If I didn’t have to walk my dog I don’t think I’d even bother to shower or dress. Sometimes I have to think whether I’ve eaten. Preparing her food reminds me to prepare mine.
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Hi Nidrigirl,
Don’t worry how much you put on this.Let it all pour out.We,re all in the same boat, and we understand.You have had a very very hard time.A slow process.My wife had been struggling with health for many years.But she died, suddenly, without warning, in front of me.
I asked my counsellor today if it would have been better for her to have been in hospital, or a hospice, at the time, which is how I always expected it to happen.But then, she said, is the long suffering and waiting.So it is debatable.But Of course the fact that they’re gone is so incomprehensible.I still don’t really believe it, and it’s nearly 19 weeks.Like you I do talk to her, and was shouting today,where are you.When are you coming back.I just can’t take it in.
There, Ive written an essay now.Dont worry how much you put on here.Knowing we,re not alone does help.
Hang in there, Vee 1
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What a wonderful group of people you all are helping each other along this enormously painful Road we find ourselves on with no turn offs or exits.
It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who talks to my wonderful husband who died only 8 weeks ago.
I have his ashes at home, where he wanted to be, waiting for me to join him, I have found great comfort from it.
I have put photos of him in every room in the house, talking to him as I go about my mundane so called new life.
I found that when I ventured out for a walk, I couldn’t wait to get back home to be close to him and his photos, so I got myself a nice locket that holds two photos of my soul mate, now he comes with me around my neck, where ever I go, I can hold the locket whenever I feel the need, nearest I can get to holding his hand, talk to it in a whisper knowing that he would find that very funny.
I am finding sharing my day with him in this way is helping me cope, yes, I still cry, daily, yes, I still long for him, we have choices, we can either go down in our deepest sorrow, or we can find a way to get through each moment as best we can, everyone will have their own way. I know my darling husband wouldn’t want me to sink, he would and does keep encouraging me to swim, I owe it to him, I promised him, to do the best I can, grieving is one of the hardest things to go through, we feel so alone, but if we take that moment to realise we are not alone, we have the memories and the love we have for our loved ones which hasn’t died with them, to keep us going.
My husband, best friend, soulmate, will live on through me, I will keep his memory alive, and continue to talk about him, to him, and love him, as long as I live.
I know from reading posts on this site that I will have good and bad days, that this road is never ending, its not the journey, or how long and hard it is, its our attitude to how we choose to travel it that can make the difference, I hope you can see what I’m trying to say, I know you won’t all agree, but if only one of you understands, then that is great, but I hope more of you do, bless you all in your grief, I hope you can find your own way . Hugs everyone. x
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@Christina7 I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: ‘a different life will slowly emerge’ - ‘different and liveable’. Simple words but well put and absolutely true. Thank you. xx
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So many similarities! Lost Sue 7 weeks ago. Cant live without her! her ashes were in front of me for 5 weeks before i could touch them. Have a little shrine to her with candles and photos. Dont know how to get through each day!
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No, we don’t know how we get through each day, but we do, that’s the thing, we just keep on going as best we can, some days better than others some really awful, but we do get through, we have too,
love the sound of your shrine, iI hope your finding comfort from it, sounds pretty much like mine, I thought well if he was in a grave somewhere I’d be taking him flowers, so he has a vase of fresh flowers every week that we can both enjoy, I chat to him about them and even tell him how nice they smell!
Keep reading on this site, keep chatting too, it does help, it’s not easy, none of us wanted this journey without an end, but we must keep walking it for the loved ones we miss very deeply.
Its very early days for both of us, we need to allow ourselves time, not to expect too much,
Take care of yourself,.
hugs Chrissy3
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Thanks Chrissy. You are so strong and profound. I wish I had your conviction, courage and determination! Thank you and love xxx
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Your welcome , hope it helps someone.
It’s the only way , I found, we do not have a choice but to try to find a way to cope and carry one. It’s a hard rollercoaster, we all face. . Love to all xChristina
We lost them at about the same time didn’t we? 7am March 26th, a date etched on my heart. When I am wishing so much that he could be here I know that what I want is the Vic of ‘before illness’. I would hate him to come back to the mental suffering that he was enduring during the last few months. When he couldn’t remember how to use his keyboard or use the television control. He was an IT expert! He sometimes said that he had had enough. But he was so frightened of dying. He didn’t want to leave us. I believe that he is in a good place now and is happy. It is me that is in pain now. A pain that I never expected as my head had told me that it would be this year that I would lose him. My head didn’t prepare my heart for the awful reality and my heart can’t cope.
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It’s the emptiness at the home that gets to me, I like it better when the weather is cold and rainy but when the weather is getting nice again like it is lately it makes it worse because everybody is out laughing and joking and getting on with there lives and l shut the door and you’re on your own I hate the fact that sometimes family should help help and they don,t , Michael died on December 2020, he was all right sunday gone on the Wednesday, it the sadness l feel, missing him, well maybe it will be a better day tomorrow 
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