Hello everyone

Hello again
Sorry I am writing again and I do feel guilty about going on about how I feel it is now almost two weeks since my darling Geoff passed away. The coroner is now involved and I am not told anything. I did have family with me but they have had to return home now. I am so lonely and I am just talking to him all the time. I can’t move on and the loneliness is awful. I am so afraid I cannot go on without him although I know he would be upset because I am feeling like that. What can I do to cope without my husband of 52 years.
Love to you all
Carol

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Hello,

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband.

Your in the very early days, how your feeling is perfectly natural.

You’ll be in shock & your emotions are in chaos.

Try to only think about the day your in & do anything that makes you feel better, for example a hot bath or eating a treat.

You need to be gentle with yourself & understand that what has happened is an immense shock & very traumatic.

You won’t always feel this awful but it takes a lot if time to come to terms with what’s happened.

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Hello
Many thanks for your reply. I just can’t come to terms with what has happened. I don’t see how I can carry on without my husband. I don’t have any family near by so I just sit here alone and think of him. I can’t see how life can go on when I have lost my husband. I am lonely already. Thank you for listening. Carol

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You won’t come to terms with anything at this early stage, you will go on you have no choice.

Try & remember your at rock bottom at the moment but it won’t always be this way, you will feel better, you just need to hold on.

Going to bed & curling up can be a comfort, or a glass of wine or some cake or a walk when dusk hits so less people around.

You won’t always feel this wretched, but at the moment that is how you are going to feel, so anything you can do to escape it for a few minutes do it, I find a bath soothing & comforting, foods that you love try & snack on them.

Just know how you are feeling is normal & you will survive it.

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Don’t apologise Carol, it’s totally natural to feel as you do. You’ve had a tremendous shock, and suddenly your husband of so many years is no longer with you.
You will carry on, we have no choice. I used to watch mind numbing TV in the early days. Go to bed and have a read after a bath.
I used to make myself get up in the morning & go for a walk. That always helped, and still does.
Time drags at first when we lose someone, but gradually, very gradually those feelings of total desolation do ease.
Look after yourself, and don’t expect too much of yourself.
We do understand how you feel
Janey xx

Hi Carol, how you are feeling is totally natural, you have nothing to apologise for. It is now 7 weeks since my husband did not wake up next to me. I cry everyday and tell him how I am feeling. I make plans to do things each day, but find myself just sitting there in total dispair, thinking about going through my life without him. I have to make myself eat and as for sleeping, not much of that is happening, on Friday night, I finally managed to sleep around 6:30am and was awake again before 9am. Tonight seems to going the same way.

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Carol I am so very sorry for your sudden loss such a terrible shock for you to deal with and waiting for the coroner report is an added thing to have to deal with I had to so I know what you are going through it’s such a horrific time for you on here we know and it helps to write our feelings down it has me will not take the terrible loss and pain away I just did not want to live with out my husband it’s been 11 months and I realise I have to manage my life it’s so hard and lonely such early days for you our memories will always be with us
Sending you hugs take care xxx

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Hi Carol21.

I lost my partner last Oct. so 6 months or so now. She passed away due to cancer. I’m so sorry for your loss its so very recent for you. As well as grieving I imagine you’re dealing with all the paperwork and the having to inform people that we all had to do, I remember how painful that was. I’m 70 now it was second time round for both of us so we weren’t together anywhere near as long as you and your husband but it was 28 years so still a long time. As all your other replies have said it does get a little easier with time. After a while you find it’s not on your mind all the time but quite often something fairly insignificant will remind you like something that you see when shopping that he liked and you’ll get upset. I still struggle with it all at times but although of course we’ll all never forget and life will never be the same again you will come through it.
I was in a bit of a state for a while but found a lot of comfort and support on here with people that truly understand because we’ve all been there.

Best wishes to you.

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Hello Peter
Thank you so much for your reply.it means a lot to me. I take comfort in what you say it all seems overwhelming at present there is a delay because apparently the post mortem did not show anything that would cause Geoff to die so there has to be more investigation. I do get comfort from people like you on this site who understand how I am feeling. Thank you again for your kind words.
Carol

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Oh Carol I feel your pain I really do. I lost my husband of 44 years one year ago. He died in bed beside me suddenly. For the first six months I walked around in a daze having to deal with his finances and moving all the household bills to me. My admin skills kicks in and after three months they were sorted. I actually felt worse after everything was settled as there was nothing left for me to do. How am I now ? Just sad :cry: I know now he’s not coming back and my life just plods on. My family and friends have been brilliant especially my two sons but they have their own lives to live so I force myself to do stuff. I’ve had the lounge redecorated (something we planned to do anyway) and extensive work on the garden. I have no idea what I’ll do when all this work is finished as it gives me something else to think about. I do volunteer at a local food bank and if I help one persons a day I feel I have done something worthwhile and I know my John would be really proud.

It’s been two weeks for you and and at that stage I was a complete mess. You are still in shock and it takes time if ever to feel any better. This has personally been the worse pain I have ever suffered and over the years I have lost all of my family mum, dad, sister and niece at 30 years old. But nothing touches the pain I feel every day with not having John beside me. But we have to plod on and try to live what life we have left the best way we can. We no choice :woman_shrugging:.

Much love and hugs
Georgina

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Dear Carol,

Please do not feel guilty about commenting on the forums. I have been widowed for eight years now and I am still heartbroken and lonely since my husband died. We were married 47 years and together 50 and I will tell you this that no matter how many years go by, I will always grieve and cry for him and I am not ashamed to say so.

If I could have just one wish I would wish to go back to 1964, the day we met and do it all over again.

Things do very slowly get better because we learn to live a different kind of life but it is not the life we want we and don’t have an option, this is the life we have been left with so we trundle on day by day never forgetting what we have lost.

I am so terribly sorry, because even now I am eight years down the line, I still remember the heart breaking, soul destroying first few days, weeks, months and years after my husband died and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I have never, ever known pain like it.

I still shed a tear for what was and I still get butterflies in my tummy when I look at a photo of my handsome husband.

I’m so sorry to hear of your despair right now Carol. I hope you are finding yourself less isolated by posting on here. Most of us have found it a real life line to know that others can empathise with our pain. My husband of 45 years died unexpectedly in August 2021 and he too underwent a post mortem even though we all knew what the cause of death was. It was another added layer of grief. Although he had been ill for a while his death nontheless was a shock. His death came just 5 months after my mother’s death. I can’t help but feel guilt that I really didn’t understand her grief after my dad died in 2010, after 57 years of marriage and didn’t support her as well as I could have. My own adult children have been supportive but of course they need to get on with their own lives with their own families. I try now to accept that ultimately this grief I feel for my husband’s death is the other side of my love for him. I’m still trying to come to terms with a very different life without the man who has been by my side for my whole adult life. I am sure that you too are trying to work your way through your own grief as best you can. All I can say is that there is no right or wrong in this journey, all you can do is deal with it in your own way. I found, and still find, that some days I don’t want to get out of bed but my sleeping pattern is all over the place. I wish you comfort and hope on your journey. Sending hugs to you.

Dear Lonely
Thanks for your lovely message. You sum up my feelings exactly. I am so lost and cannot do anything but sit and cry. I am so lonely but reading letters from all of you really give me some comfort.
Love
Carol

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Hello JBee
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They help me so much. I am still so lost and lonely without Geoff and I still talk to him as though he is still here. Thank you again
Love
Carol

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Oh Lonely

Why is it nobody seems to understand except people on this group. I’ve got family and friends who’ve lost parents and siblings but not partners. I lost my father 40 years ago but never realised what my mum must have been going through.I’m 70 now, she’s been gone for 25 years and my partners been gone for 6 months. It’s not the same. I am so lonely. I’ve been in my new home, a small flat, for less than 3 weeks and I hate it. I have caring friends and family but I don’t believe they really understand what’s going on. I used to be the most placid of men but I’ve got such a short fuse now not with people but with things. I’m not too good with technology but I’ve had to learn in the past year because you can’t function nowadays without it. Today I was trying to get my socalled’ smart TV’ to work, that didn’t go well. Then I tried to inform DWP of my change of address on line, that didn’t work so I phoned them. After being on hold for half an hour I slamed the phone down and gave up. Not that long ago I would have coped with all this but now everything seems such an effort and so difficult. How I’d go back 28 years when Jo and I got together and live it all again. We weren’t young then by any means but we were younger and happy. Where did all those years go? You blink and you’ve missed it. It only seems like yesterday that I was a teenager without a care in the world, who was going to live for ever. Sorry rambling again. I’m getting quite good at this.

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I feel your pain with modern technology, last week they changed all the bus fares on our local buses, and the only way to get cheaper tickets was downloading the app to buy tickets, it kept telling my post code didn’t exist. It took me half an hour to finally achieve it.
You are right things were so much simpler when we were younger. My parents died over 20 years ago, my mum first. It not until now having lost my husband I think back to how sad and lonely my dad must have been without her. X

Dear Peter,

You sound just like me, I used to be such an easy going person, had a great sense of humour, loved and lived life to the full with my Peter but since he died, I sometimes feel like throwing things through the window when I have to try and sort out a problem. Peter had a large Dell desktop with the large tower and all the other stuff that goes with it but I could not bear to use it so our son put everything on a USB stick for me and I have yet to have a look and see what is on the memory stick, I know there will be hundred’s of photos of us over the years. I bought myself a Dell laptop and I learned how to do things on it, now, eight years later, I am computer literate and love Technology but I still have a very short fuse, I do not tolerate fools either.

Also like yourself, when my dad died 54 years ago, he was 57, I had no idea whatsoever the pain my mum was going through and now when I look back, as I am now walking in her shoes, I could cry for her. She has now been gone for 22 years and my sister has been gone for 29 years.

Our son said to me the other day that since his dad died I have no patience and I want things doing now whereas I used to be so easy going. I told him the reason for that is because there is only me to do them and if I don’t sort the problem out myself, no-one else will. He got a little uptight about it and said that they didn’t have time as they were busy at work so I told him to stop interfering , if he or his brother cannot help me then leave me to it.

Thank you for your replies. I’m afraid yet again I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I look at photos from years ago when we were on holiday and happy and enjoying life and wonder where the years went. I should be content. I’ve no money worries, I’ve got a nice flat, I’ve not got many friends that I see regularly but the ones I have got are dear to me but somehow its not enough. I’ve only been here 3 weeks and I can’t imagine being here for perhaps the next 10 or however long I live. I really wonder if all this pain is worth it. I know I’m drinking too much but it takes the edge off it. I’m trying to give up smoking because thats what killed her but thats not going too well. I just can’t see myself ever truly being happy again. If Jo’s looking down watching me write this she’d be cross as hell . A day or so before she passed away she told me she wanted me to sell our house and enjoy the money ,my nestegg as she called it, but I 'm really not bothered one way or the other. I’m sorry as I said before I’m just feeling so sorry for myself. It’s just been one of those days. I’m sure I’ll come through it until the next time. Thanks for listening. Not quite sure what I would have done without being able to ramble on this site.

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Dear Peter,

Here I am at 3.35 in the morning unable to sleep, tossing and turning.

I do the same as yourself, look at photos and wonder where it all went, sometimes our past life seems like a dream. I have never drank as I don’t like the taste of it and have also never smoked but my Peter also died because of smoking, he had Emphysema not cancer and the specialist told him that if he had never smoked, he would have been a very fit man which upsets me as we had a few arguments about him smoking but he would not stop. The first time he did stop was when he was diagnosed and he stopped the same day which was too late.

I love chocolates and cream cakes and in a way that is also an addiction, I would rather have a dessert than a meal and can sit down and eat a whole chocolate cake at one sitting, that is what I did when Peter died, I always eat when I am upset, some people stop eating but not me.

It is a long journey we are on and the heartache will not go away anytime soon, we just have to live day by day, I found myself living in the past all the time as the past seemed more real to me than the present and the future was not even worth thinking about. Even now eight years later, I am always thinking about our lives together because since Peter died my life has just been one of existence, doing what needs doing and doing it when I want to. I found by going out with our family I was a third wheel, a spare part and if we all went out as a family, two sons, partners and grandchildren, I was left sitting with our grandchildren so missing out on the adult conversation.

As long as I can stay healthy and active I will be okay but if I start to be seriously ill I have ensured I have a DNR on record.

Please look after yourself.

Sheila.xx

Good morning to you all, up again at 6am,ay least I got 4/5 hrs sleep, this is the best I can get. Reading all your posts gives me comfort and a liitle hope for me, sharing your sorrowd, I relate to you and such a relief being able to communicate with others who understand. I live I live in the past too, my body’s here in the present, my mind isn’t, I’ve also become less tolerant, no patience whatsoever, nagging at everyone, always in a bad mood. I also have trouble getting used to all this new technology, so frustrating, their are lots of advantages of course, like being able to talk and listen to everyone here. Sometimes I feel selfish towards my son and daughter who live with me (they give me a reason to go on), maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself, and try to understand more what they’re going through. They aren’t babies anymore but they still needed their dad, he was only 57 yrs old. My husband was also a smoker Lonely, I do wonder if those cigarettes caused his sudden heart attack, out of the blue, no warning signs, no health problems. I wish I’d encouraged him more often to stop this terrible habit, he did try but always said he just couldn’t.
No Peter, you’re not rambling at all. We are all in this together, trying to make heads or tails of what this cuel fate had in store for us. I don’t want tosound discouraging, but I don’t believe time heals, I feel worse every day, as if not even one second has passed. I was expecting to grow old together. He was my first real love, the only one who ever said "I love you’,to me.
Take care everybody.

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