I’ve thought long and hard about posting this.
I am torn. I am scared that this is going to illicit an angry response. I am sure I would feel the same if this was a stranger posting. I posted many months ago now about losing someone close to me by suicide. It’s been 4 months now. The person that died was my daughter’s dad, however, his family, including wife and two children did not know about us or our daughter. I am torn because I want so badly for my daughter to know them, but I also know that there is a high probability that I’m going to cause more hurt to people that are already suffering. I am not proud of how I’ve ended up in this situation; I know I need to atone for the mistakes that I’ve made and I’m not going to list excuses for how I’ve ended up here. The man who died was loving and kind and brilliant at many things, but he, like many of us was troubled by a deep rooted depression that he just couldn’t shake. It’s a hellish and tragic situation. Should I move on alone or speak to his family (his mum maybe?) and allow them to know something about the happy life we shared in the city he worked in? and of our amazing, fun, and sweet daughter. I am happy to take criticism and judgement and anger - it won’t be anything I haven’t already felt or feel. This secret is killing me, but if keeping it is a price I need to pay to protect people then I will, I always promised him I would. I just don’t know what to do. She could bring them comfort? Or I could make this worse. My daughter deserves to know where she came from but maybe I need to teach her that on her own and allow his family to grieve with happy memories of a devoted, committed husband and father. I’m so lost.
I’ve thought long and hard about posting this.
CatP21 I would keep that promise you made, because he’s no longer her that promise is still a vow you made together. If however in the future when things have calmed down and not so raw if they are meant to know each other it will happen . Like you said it’s a situation that could go either way so personally I wouldn’t take the risk of adding extra hurt and pain. I hope this helps you in a very awkward situation but at the end of the day there’s only you knows theses people and have a rough idea how they may respond so I suppose what I’m saying is follow your heart . I hope things work out for you x x
I think it would be best that his other family have no further shocks/upsets at the present time. They could get angry.
However, in saying that you are his other family and have his child. You might want to consider whether you want to pursue a claim under the inheritance act. For that you’ll need to see a solicitor.
The link I provide is just an example. I am not suggesting you go this route, but giving you something to carefullly consider. I’ve only pulled up two fast links. You need to do your own research and get specialist advice.
Re DNA testing.
Hi, Both. thank you. I have ruled out making a claim on his estate. He was very wealthy, but I don’t want anyone to think that any part of my care or love for him was related to money or what he could provide. I’ve never received any money from him. She was made in and from love; I think that’s what I would want his family to know. and for them to know her sweet, gentle soul. You’re both right though, I think I need more time and space to make a considered assessment. I’m worried that there will never be a good time to raise it with them. I wish I could ask him what to do.
Thank you. I appreciate you being so kind. I’m not sure I deserve it but your impartial advice is helpful. X
To be honest, if someone had told either my mother or I after my Dad passing that he had another child, I would not have found comfort from it.
His family cetainly won’t like to know that he had a secret life.
I’m sorry for your loss of your loved one.
I understand that. That’s why I wanted people’s opinions. It’s easy to lose focus of the bigger picture. I’m sorry if my post has upset you or anyone else. X
As you have asked for an opinion I’ll give you my tuppence worth.
ZIP IT. Don’t spill the beans all it’ll do is create a mess. If you think for one second that his family would be interested in the happy relationship that you shared then I think you are in cuckoo land.
There is no mileage in this for either of you. It is a terrible dilemma to be in but the bottom line is that it is only YOU that can decide what to do if anything. But if you do spill the beans there’s no turning back. All I can say is think very very carefully.
CatP21, you haven’t upset me at all. I tried to see the situation from your point of view, which is why I posted the links.
Thank you for your honest opinion.
I’m not shying away from it.
I said I wouldn’t make excuses, and I won’t. I am not innocent in this, but I am angry that he wasn’t honest with me about his life until it was too late and that I am now left to pick up the pieces of daughter’s life in secret and alone. I will do it though. I think I must. Again, I don’t wish to upset anyone and I’m sorry if this post has. I haven’t told anyone about him and me, not even my family, and it’s crippling not having anyone to share my thoughts and fears with. It’s my fault though, and his, and I’m not looking for sympathy, just honest opinions which I’ve had. Thank you all.
As far as I’m concerned you don’t need to apologise because it hasn’t upset me neither has the post. It’s good to get opinions because it might help you in your dilemma.
In your original post you said quote, “I wish I hadn’t involved myself with a married man. I would never let his family find out about us or our child. i feel guilty, lost, scared, alone and absolutely heartbroken. He was my everything for 5 years.” I can’t imagine what you are going through but I know it’s easier said than done but what’s done is done, you can’t turn the clocks back, try not to dwell on it. I’m sorry I can’t offer any solution. I think that most people have some regrets in their life as I do but all we can do is to live with them in the background. They can’t be undone. I wish you well.
I shouldn’t think you are upsetting anyone on this site. You have been honest on here and regardless of your story your honesty should be applauded. I agree with the other posts and as Bristles said ZIP IT.
Your daughter will not gain anything by revealing the secret and you may only gain enemies which could lead to more hurt for your daughter. You promised to keep the secret and that is what you should do. There is no wriggle room in a situation like this.
I am totally sympathetic to your pain, but as you said, it’s the price you have to pay. Sorry!
Take care, AL x
Hi … maybe leave things for now and let things settle. There is time in the future to think again about this. You know you and your daughter had his love and time. As time goes on you will have to be honest with your daughter about her father … and she may want to look into his other life. Or you could contact his family when some time has gone by. I lost both my sons aged 33 and 36 so I know how devastated his family will be … I think you need to leave them in peace for now. I also lost my husband eighteen months ago … it’s such a sad situation for you … you must feel like you can’t grieve properly as it’s not all out in the open. Just remember the love and your daughter that you are left with. I dont know how old she is or what she understands. I wish you both peace and happier times … but cherish that love … it’s still there safely in your heart. Take care … hugs from me, Sue
It will be hard but I think that you should keep your promise. Just because he’s no longer here doesn’t make the promise less valid. Does your daughter never ask about her dad?
She is only tiny. She was less than a year old when we all lost him & so she doesn’t know any different really.
Thank you so much, Sue. I agree with your comment that I need to leave things and let everyone grieve and move forward as best they can without me causing unnecessary hurt and anguish. We, him and me, have caused enough of that and whilst he isn’t here to live with that, I have to & so the last thing I want is to make anything worse for anyone. I worry about my daughter and her asking questions I can’t answer, but I will face then when it comes. I know that I’m extremely lucky to have her; she is my little ray of sunshine on the darkest of days and I know that so many people would give anything to have these precious times back with their babies. You have been so kind and lovely and I wish you a bunch of peace and happiness and kindness right back x
Thanks for your lovely reply. I hope you will both be ok … treasure your little sweetheart … she will grow up fast. You sound so mindful of everyone else’s feelings … make sure you look after your own too. I had a few ups a d downs with my daughter in law after my son died … recently she has said to me that she regrets some of the things she said abd did. My three grandchildren are old enough to keep in co tact themselves mostly now so it’s easier … but she does drop them off etc when they want to come over. Hugs xx
Thank you x
Your own situation happened in my own family.
My cousin died very suddenly at the age of 36, after his death it was revealed that he had been leading a double life in London, his job enabled him to do so. I went to see his mother, my aunt and found her crying, she never cried and I caught her off guard. She told me about my cousin (his wife had told her) and swore me to secrecy, I kept that to myself for over 20 years. I did not tell a soul, I had given my word, my aunt yearned to see the little girl born into the complicated relationship, she told me that it was such a relief to talk about her son and his secret family, she used to ask me if I could find out which school, Julie went to, Julie was 5 years old when her daddy died. If I could have found out, I would have willingly gone with my aunt and stand outside the school so that she could see Julie, her secret granddaughter. The years passed, my aunt developed dementia and she told my mum (her younger sister) about Julie, I felt so sorry for her, Julie must have been on her mind, to bring her to the fore. I built a family website, and put many family photos onto it, I was driven and could not stop adding photo after photo. Julie could remember her daddy, yet, she did not know anything about his relatives, she put Barnsley into google and up came, photos of her daddy, her uncle, her grandparents and many family members who she didn’t know existed, in fact, she didn’t know of anyone in the family.
In September 2004, Julie emailed me, introducing herself and saying that she understood if her daddy’s family did not wish to know her, sadly, my aunt, her grandma had died 3 years earlier. I replied to Julie, welcoming her into our family, a few weeks later she came and stayed with us, she lived in London at the time of her birth. I found a beautiful young woman, she is so kind and thoughtful, she is now married with 2 children of her own and she is a much loved and treasured member of my family.
I am sorry for the long post, love, but I just wanted to tell you, our story and how much our family has appreciated Julie getting in touch, she is a loved and treasured member.
I do believe that your daughter should be told who her father is, when the time is right and please remember that she was born out of love, you and her daddy have for each other.
MaryL x x
Hi Mary, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is comforting to know that I’m not the only person in the world to become tangled in a situation as complicated as mine, blind in love and crazy about someone that wasn’t mine to care about. I know I won’t be the first and I won’t be the last, but I’m flogging myself daily and wondering how, when my life before was so simple and happy before him, I ended up in this situation. That’s not me full of self pity, or making excuses to justify my behaviour, I know I’ve let myself down and that I should have been more robust in ignoring the advances of someone who wasn’t mine to love. It’s difficult though to regret the love we shared when I have my beautiful daughter. I think that’s been the source of my confusion when it comes to whether to tell his family - his mum and sister - about her someday. I feel like they might have loved getting to know her, particularly as she is so small and the image of her dad. That said, I now realise it’s not fair to condemn them to carrying that secret, easing my own burden, and for them to have hide it from his children/ family. I have decided to do nothing for now and wait until she is old enough to make up her own mind about her dad. She may need more answers, answers I can’t give, or a relationship with her 1/2 siblings or wider family, but I am not going to get hung up on that. Right now I’m concentrating on the positive that is her - I know that I’m so lucky to have her and that she is a blessing. I really hope that someday that she will understand & that’s she knows she was made in love and was wanted and treasured and not something/ one to be hidden away. I guess that’s my job.
That’s a lovely photo - is that them together .
Again, thanks so much for taking the time to share your story and how, in time, things might change for her. Take care and best wishes x