Been on this forum a few times but back again for advise . Lost husband unexpectedly 5 month ago ,still devastated and grieving . Shock now worn off but disbelief still there. On a practical level I am struggling. Im retired late 60s children grown and busy living their lives although have been great help. I have only a couple of friends one lives 40 miles away and in poor health other moved to another country. My husband was my friend and social life I didnt feel the need for anyone else. Big mistake. Now alone with no social life whatsoever so very lonely. I live at our home but now hate it ,hes not here. The garden is too big for me to manage and I have little need for a family home alone. I am also an anxious and nervous person so hate being alone at night . I jump at every sound. I have considered selling and purchasing a small flat pref first floor for added sense of security but the service charges put me off and kids think a bad idea. Think I should wait and see how I feel in 12 month since losing him. But it’s me alone here at night and fretting over the garden etc. I have little money to afford a garden help . Is there anyone been through this situation that could offer advise please. I don’t want to just give up and into depression. How do I feel secure alone and find people to talk to ,preferably in similar situations or experience. Life seems so black and full of problems . I miss him so much and the friendship and security I felt with him .
Hi Belinda, I understand some of what you are going through. My wife was always the social one. She could make friends in a moment but I’m quite the opposite. My wife died almost 5 Months ago and I spend most of the days on my own. I live in Spain, I could move to England but it would be very strange after 40 years here. They do say you shouldn’t make rushed decisions but if you don’t feel safe on your own maybe you could move close to family etc.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
So sorry that you are so low and so sorry that you lost your lovely husband- I know exactly what you mean about the other person ‘being’ your social life as that is the situation I was/am in.
On a practical note there is an organisation called ‘lend and tend’ who put people who have a large garden and are unable to deal with it in touch with those who have no garden and would love one. That might be a potential solution for you for your garden? An alternative might be to talk to someone who runs your nearest allotments as if they have a waiting list there may be people who would love to tend your garden. I’ve never used lend and tend myself so I cannot speak for their services, but they do seem to vet both lender and borrower so that should potentially make it safe for you. Just a thought. J
Thanks Tom in a similar situation socially. Good advise ,will see how i feel in a few month. So sorry for your loss. I understand you wanting to remain in Spain after so long ,that’s home now . I hope you find a way to have at least a few friends you can count on.
Thank you so much for the advise never heard of that service lend and tend but will look it up. So much both emotional and practical assaults us at this horrible time. I hope you find a way to go forward too. Best wishes.
Morning @Belinda1
I understand what you are saying, I lost my husband suddenly 7 and half months ago . I also have family surport. And 1 really good friend. Who I only see about 1 month as we don’t live near each other. And neither of us drive . Most of the time it’s just me and my dog. The house I live in is quite large for just one person. The garden is quite small so I can manage it . There are so many memories here , and I understand why people move . I can’t afford to move. so I am going start decorating. starting with my bedroom. You will know what is right for you . Good luck whatever you decide to do . Look after yourself.
Hello @Belinda1
I thought ‘That’s Me!’ when I read your post yesterday. I lost my wife suddenly to a heart attack in December 2024 after 48 years of marriage. I’ve lost my partner and best friend although possibly not my soulmate, because I feel she is still here with me.
Like you, the house and especially the garden worry me because an arthritic hip makes a lot of jobs difficult although I’m told exercise is good for me
.
Retirement flats do look attractive but I also look at the service charges which are a big commitment. It’s tempting to think a retirement community would be a solution to loneliness but it largely depends on fitting in with that community which might not be guaranteed.
I have found that I’m becoming more reclusive as time goes on. When I do go out I feel better for a while but I really have to force myself to go.
It sounds ridiculous for someone with a degree of disability but I keep looking at Estate Agent lists of remote cottages! My thinking seems to be that if I have to live in isolation then being in the countryside or by the sea would at least provide a constantly changing scene to enjoy. I could lay in bed at night with the curtains open looking at the stars and be at one with the universe. It’ll probably never happen because reality will inevitably kick in and I’ve also got so much stuff to clear out of this house, although there are companies that will deal with these problems for you.
In short, 17 months down the road of this horrible journey I still have little idea of where my life will go. I suppose that isn’t surprising after a 48 year partnership.
Look after yourself and take it a day at a time, there is no rush.
Dear Belinda
Yours and my story is so similar. I’ve not spent a night alone in our house since the night my husband just fell to the floor. The house is very old, rural and has an enormous garden. The friends I had have disappeared but I do have my daughter and sister that I stay with
I knew from the start I wouldn’t be able to stay there and I know for definite that my husband would know the same. I have just had an offer on the house so I’m looking now for a new house. Yesterday I viewed a house in a cul-de-sac, it’s not perfect but it did feel safe.
As for friends, I’ve joined a few online local groups that arrange walks, lunches or just coffee meet ups. When I’m settled I’ll attend some. I also go to a bereavement group which has been very helpful.
I know I’m lucky to have my daughter to stay with, life is too scary. If I can help please message, I know how hard making decisions on your own is x
Hi, I understand how you feel about your home and garden. I lost my partner 7 months ago. I am devastated. I couldn’t manage the garden myself so had to get a gardener for the grass and cutting the hedges. He’s fairly reasonable but the garden is just not looking as good as when my partner looked after it. He worked so hard keeping it nice. I feel I’m letting him down. The house is too big and just not home anymore without him. It’s just too lonely during the day. I really hate living alone and feel very vulnerable. I have my sister who visits but I feel my friends and other extended family don’t really bother much now apart from the odd text.. I feel almost invisible. You should probably wait a bit longer before you consider moving as you don’t want to make the wrong decision. Take care.