This is my first post so please forgive any misunderstanding or mistakes. I don’t know whether I’m doing this correctly or not. Have spent weeks reading various posts and being surprised at the many similarities we all seem to share with our grief.
I am truly alone after losing my husband and soulmate, Ray, in July 2025. We quite literally lived for eachother; never having children but shared a deep love of animals - particularly dogs. I became ill back in 1993 and had to retire from my career. Ray took early retirement to become my unpaid carer and did everything in the house including cooking, cleaning, shopping etc with never a grumble or complaint. Unfortunately I often had to spend much of the time in bed which really put an end to any social life. So, it really was just the two of us. We still had the odd day out whenever I was well enough to use a wheelchair and generally tried to make the best of life. I missed the independence of working and hated being unable to drive. Fortunately Ray drove us everywhere we needed or wanted to go. Our lives just pottered along in the same manner until he was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis in August 2024. Despite many hospital appointments, we were told that no treatments were available. Christmas 2024 was fairly bleak but we still had each other. By February 2025 Ray was unable to mobilise and required 24 hour oxygen. He fought the disease so very bravely and was adamant that he wished to stay here by my side until the very end. Sadly that day came in July. He died in a hospital bed in our lounge with me on our sofa …. Nothing could have prepared me for the terrible loss. I now know everyone here has gone through this same agony and share your pain. I’m now struggling to survive alone in a house that was our loving home for 42 years. I’m terrified that something will happen that I cannot physically deal with. I am very fortunate to have a brother who helped with immediate arrangements upon Ray’s passing and has kindly taken me to hospital appointments. He does text me and tries to visit each week where possible. I am truly thankful for his support but also realise that he has children and grandchildren requiring his love and attention too. I feel so wretched. Why did Ray have to suffer? Why couldn’t my life have been taken instead? Especially after being disabled by chronic illness for over thirty years. It just isn’t fair! But then, life really isn’t fair is it? I’m sure we all would want to swap places with our lost loved ones if it were possible. I’m very concerned that I’m spending more time in bed not just due to illness but a lack of desire to carry on. People seem to take great comfort from getting out of the house but I can’t do this due to mobility restrictions. I’d love the company of another dog but couldn’t look after one (honestly can barely look after myself). Spent the entire Christmas period under covers sobbing.
I’m due to begin telephone grief counselling with Cruse shortly and hope to feel some benefit.
So sorry to be pouring my heart out with an “oh woe is me” attitude - I feel bad about that too. I would love to hear from anyone who can relate to my situation. Thanks for your time. My best wishes to all here currently going through the awful reality that is life after losing the love of your life 
I know every bereavement is terrible but when a very rare form of cancer (or any illness for that matter) is the cause, it somehow seems far more tragic and unfair. As you said, having unfortunately experienced severe mobility issues 6 year’s ago you can truly relate to a housebound person’s difficulties and restrictions in general life. Thank goodness you were able to overcome your spinal issues with the full time care of your husband. I do hope that you experience no lasting impairments.