Help please advise

Hi I have posted a number of times but now I am feeling really awful. It’s nearly seven years since I lost my darling man. I have no family or real friends and my loneliness it making me insane. When my husband died I was very seriously ill and nearly died myself. I know it’s wicked cc to say it I wish I had. Although I am past retirement age I still work part time. I find myself crying often and I have no faith that I will ever feel any less wretched. I wish I could dream about my his at least I would see him but in these seven years I have never ever had a dream about him. I used to believe in a life beyond this one but now I don’t I really wish I did. I went to some spiritualist meeting to try to make friends and to see if I would get a message but nothing happened and to be honest these so called messages are so terribly vague. I’m sorry but I think I am mad. My only company is my little dog whom I love dearly but I feel that I am dying slowly even things I used to like can’t help me fill my time. I still have some physical issues left over from my illness which doesn’t help. I’m so sorry I want to feel happy and grateful to be alive but everything seems so dark. I hate myself for feeling like this. So sorry to be like this. My husband always said I was stoical and brave but that’s not what I am now. I feel like I lost my husband my health and I also lost me too.

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Dear @Bell

There is no need to apologise. I can feel your pain in your post.

I see from your profile that you are located in Devon. I have had a look online and there is a website called Cruse Bereavement Care - Devon area . They have local offices in which to meet with people across Devon. It would be worth contacting them on 03003 305466 for support and to see how they can help you.

You are not going mad. Grief has no time limits and you could still be grieving. I would if you have not already book an appointment with your GP and let them know how you are feeling and see what support they can offer you.

I do know that some Crematoriums offer a Bereavement coffee morning for people to get together, it would be worth seeing if your local Crematorium does this. This may be of help and support to you.

You are not alone, the Community here is very supportive and you can connect with members by typing in the search bar Losing a Partner and you will see topics on Losing My Husband.

Sue Ryder offer a very helpful supportive Grief Self-Help Service that has useful information to help you understand and cope with your bereavement and grief.

Please continue to reach out and connect with the Community here. We are all here for you.

Take Care.

Pepsi

Hello Bell, so sorry to hear you’re struggling. I live in Plymouth and there is a meet called “Snackandchat” at St Andrews church, 10-12 on a Tuesday. Basically like minded peole offering support or just listening.
As Pepsi mentiond Cruse Bereavement are reall good.
I also live alone after my beautiful died on 29th April, it can be lonely.
I am on a phased return at work and I try to fill my days off with things to do, If not I start to get maudlin.
I am still living day by day and not thinking too far ahead.
I am in a much better place than a month ago, trying to think positive and I realise I don’t know what lies ahead, it could be something magical.
I also am having hypnotherapy weekly which has helped me understand my emotions better, also helped with my sleep.

Grief is such an individual experience and can swallow you up when you’re at your lowest.
I hope you keep chatting on here and anytime you fancy a coffee in Plymouth then give me a shout.
Sending my love.
Joe x

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Hi bell I can here your desperation and sadness have you considered bereavement counselling or talking to your gp you deserve a better life than this and there is help out there I know that services are stretched but it may be worth pursuing please hold onto the fact that you deserve better thinking of you

Hi Bell,
You sound so very sad. I’m sorry for the death of your beloved man. I’ve lost so much confidence since my husband died and I have found it’s hard to develop friendships as I get older.
I have discovered a local group which meets at local cafes for coffee and a natter. There are lots of these schemes all over the country. It’s a bit daunting at first but well worth the effort if you find the right group for you. You can Google the address for one nearest to you.
https://thechattycafescheme.co.uk/
I also joined a local Health Walking group - I’m the second youngest in the group and I’m 65! I found it on my local council website.
I know these groups aren’t for everyone but you never know who you might meet. I’m also thinking about joining my local U3A (university of the 3rd age). My local one does classes on everything from art to yoga and all sorts of things in between. Maybe one of those groups might help?
Please keep posting, at least you can be sure there will be people on here that can lend a sympathetic ear.
Sending you a virtual hug and warm wishes.

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Hi Bell

For me it’s only been a year since I lost Ian suddenly after 40 years together and yet it seems like yesterday.
I have a supportive family but they either live abroad or over 120 miles away. Close friends are few and far between and they don’t live near either.
I’ve tried to move on with my life but I just can’t. The house is still as Ian left it but I spend as little time as possible in it. I stay with family if I can and then dread returning ‘home’. It’s not really my home anymore, just somewhere I sleep.
I read on these sites about ‘reinventing’ oneself or not wallowing in grief. I’m not doing the latter as I’ve travelled abroad several times and often have weekends away. Why should I have to reinvent myself? My life with Ian was what I wanted and I don’t think I’m up to reinventing myself anyway. It was my 69th birthday a few days ago and all I could think of was that Ian never made it to 69 as he died a few days before his birthday. No more birthday celebrations for me now!!
I’m sorry for rambling but I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I can carry on without Ian when I don’t want to and shouldn’t have to.
I’ve had counselling on and off over the past year but, it can never change what has happened or how lonely the future will be despite my best efforts at keeping busy or not as each day is different. At the start and end of every day though, it’s Ian I think of and how cruel life is to deprive him and us of our future together.

On a lighter note, it’s nice to hear from people who live near me as I live in Tavistock.

Take care everyone,
X Julie

Thank you all for your words of comfort. I honestly don’t know how we all get through the days. I do so envy people with families and friends. I am going to see if there is anywhere near me that I can join just to fill some time. I’m trying to believe in something beyond this earth because if there is nothing and we are the result of a " blip" in a puddle then why did we develop such strength of feelings such as love because it would serve no purpose. I do read a lot of your posts and like others it’s awful to think there is so much grief out there. Just trying to get through the days. Again thank you. xxxx

Hi Bell
I am like you no family we didn’t have holidays we just worked the whole time which we enjoyed. I now have not a tiny piece of him left and wish now we had a child. A friend of mine said that I have rose tinted spectacles as no one knows what might have happened perhaps she is right. I sit here alone most days and do still get my shopping but see no one to talk to. I wonder how long I go on like this as I am truly frightened of the future without him propping me up when I was poorly or down. Getting it out on this forum does help as if you start talking like this to my one friend it drives her away
Jessica

Hi Jessica we were rather opposite in that we spent any spare money on holidays instead of new cars etc. I have some wonderful memories of our truly amazing adventures. It’s hard though because although I still go on holiday ( I always take some of his ashes and put them in a place he would like. I try to keep busy and have part time job. I was left with a medical problems as when he died I was seriously ill and came close to death. I feel like everything happened at once and has never got any better and due to the problem I have I can’t keep myself busy enough as I end up in a lot of pain which in turn makes me feel even worse. I don’t think you have rose tinted specs I constantly wonder and say what if I had done this or said that and maybe if I hadn’t been so I’ll I could have saved him. It’s bloody hell isn’t it. I am scared also of the future as now 67. When not working I try to do my garden which I loved to do but again physically it’s a problem. I do so miss kissing him goodnight or good morning and the way he would take my had and tuck it under his arm whilst walking. Looking back I was lonely as a kid lost mum when five and found my dad dead on my twentieth birthday. I felt so blessed and lucky when I met him. I am glad this forum exists as expressing feelings is a good thing even if it can’t solve the problem. We both have only one problem We want them back and that can’t happen. Again thank you for your post and for listening xxx

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