Help so lonely

Hi , I am new to this, I lost my soulmate of 21yrs last feb, he had had a heart attack on xmas day 2015 and was diagnosed with heart probs however was put
on medication and came home, he subsequently had another heart attack in early Feb and was unable to be saved. I have no family close by and no real friends and found it a daunting time to cope on my own and hold up for my three teenaged daughters, and surprisingly after the funeral everyone gets back to their life’s and forgets that for you life will never be the same again. Now a year on my girls are making their own life’s and moving on(as they should) but I am becoming increasingly lonely I have looked online for any bereavement groups near me that meet up for friendship and support maybe to meet say once a month and was astonished to find that although there are numerous counselling groups there are no actual groups made up of other bereaved people like me , anyone know of any?

Hi Gailee,

Welcome to the Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost your soulmate, and about how lonely you are feeling now.

This site is a place for you to share your feelings and connect with others with similar experiences - I hope being here can help you feel a little bit less alone. For example, you might wish to read and reply to this conversation started by Tina19, who also lost her husband to heart problems, and which has lots of replies from other bereaved spouses: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/what-ifif-only-and-unansweredunanswerable

I see that you are also looking for an offline support group. Have you heard of WAY (Widowed and Young, for under 50s) and Way Up (For 50+)? They are both online communities like this one, but they have a focus on helping members to organise their own local meet-ups.

If there is anything I can help with, or you have any questions about the site, just let me know. You can email me on online.community@sueryder.org, or drop me a private message.

Priscilla

Hello Gallee. I’m sorry to read of your situation. I had decided to reply to you before I noticed Priscilla had mentioned me.
On New Years Day 2016 my Husband had a massive Heart Attack, then developed Heart Failure. Fast forward 10 months and my Husband had a fatal cardiac arrest. He had been in hospital and was sent home with weeks to live - these turned into just hours. He passed away a day after my 51st birthday, 2016.
Personally, I have not yet come to terms with what happened. As the days/weeks progress I am feeling lonely as well, but lonely for my husband if that makes sense. Everyone is thinking I am adapting but that is not so, even after 16 weeks. I commend you that even though you have this loneliness you are looking to find support groups. That’s really good you are not seeking to isolate yourself from other people. In my circumstances I have a lot of if onlys/what ifs directed at the medical care my husband received from NHS and at myself and I feel I am not making the same progress others are.
I hope you get some really positive responses. If you ever feel the need you can always private message me, or anyone really as most of us welcome this.
I do understand to a degree what you might have experienced having gone through heart problems with your Husband. Dennis was discharged with medication too, we thought we were lucky - but it beat us.
Warmest wishes Tina

Hi Tina, so lovely to hear from you, I had just been sitting have a good cry and wondering if anyone else was online and had replied, I feel we already have so much in common, we celebrated our xmas on New Years day 2016 after Tommie came out of hospital we thought this would be the start of a good year, how was we to know we would only have two months, like you I cannot move on I am stuck with the “what if’s and did I do enough” and the guilt that you’ve let them down, sometimes I feel that you need to talk to people that understand how you feel and are in the same position, I have even seen people I know pretend they haven’t seen me to avoid talking, don’t they realise how hurtful that is? like you I am only 56 and wonder where life goes now! I see that you are quite recently bereaved and it does take time to accept and although I have heard said that time’s a healer I don’t actually believe that as time goes on you have the family events and anniversaries to deal with, having said that we try to act as normal as possible so that everyone thinks you fine when you just wanna scream “I’m not fine actually” kind regard Gailee

Hi Gailee
Welcome to this exclusive club and very sorry to read of your loss of a year ago.I lost my wife to sudden heart attack last October age 63 without warning and it really is life changing after 41 years together.My 3 kids are all in their 30 s now one son still with me which is a blessing.My other two both with their partners live within 2 miles so see them at least once a week doing a school run one day a week.Does any of your daughters still live with you?
I can see where your coming from about feeling lonely ,I can still feel lonely even when the family or close friends are about.Its always about that one person which should be here.I find walking helps and have joined a walking club where I can meet new people.The surprising thing was lots of them did have partners but they were there without them. Kind regards Steve

Hello everyone. This is my first day and I guess I’m a bit nervous. I lost my beautiful wife to cancer in May last year and after going through bereavement counselling which helped a great deal I still find myself in what feels like a trapped situation. I want to admit something. I am lonely. It’s hard to admit that. At 46 I find myself lonely for the first time in my life. My wife and I didn’t have children so I am left with two cats who I love dearly but they are yet to master talking. I would love to chat to people and hopefully share experiences. Thank you to anyone who reads my post. Jay

Dear Gailee,

My husband also died suddenly in August last year from a heart attack. I am having bereavement counselling but heard about a website on here called the jollie dollies. They support widows, have a look there may be a group near you.

I understand what you mean about people moving on. As for us our lives will never be the same again and it is a massive adjusment.

Take care and message me anytime you feel the need.

Annie

Hello Jay
Sorry to read about your feelings of loneliness following the distressing loss of your wife. It’s a special and unique kind of loneliness isn’t it. More alone than lonely even. My Husband and I had no children together either. I lost my Husband in October to a heart condition. Warmest regards to you.

Hi Tina,
Thank you for the message. You are my first reply since I signed up today so you win all today’s prizes. I am sorry to hear about your husband. It must still be very raw for you. Yes I agree it is a unique loneliness in many ways. Life changes in an instant and you find yourself in a situation that you feel should not be happening and you dont realise how supporting and motivating a husband or wife can be until they are taken from you. I never thought I would ever be without her and that makes the loneliness worse. Jay

Hi Steve , Thanks for replying I’m surprised by how many people are all suffering in much the same way as me, you tend not to realise how so many people are affected, my eldest daughter lives about seven miles away with her partner, and I have three teenaged daughters living with me all at college, however they have there lives and boyfriends so I don’t really see that much of them. I have now returned to work part time but life seems so empty and xmas ,birthdays etc. are particularly hard especially when you see all families together and because I feel that this should now be “our time” coming up to retirement. so sorry to hear of your loss . Best wishes Gailee

Hi Jay, I’m a newbie too joined yesterday and already I have had responses, its nice to talk to others who care and are going through the same as you,I lost my hubbie Tommie last Feb (heart attack), my soulmate of 21yrs, i’m 56, I have got three teenaged daughters at home but they have their own lives and I don’t see them much, I feel so lonely and people just don’t seem to understand how you feel and you feel stuck in a rut unable and unwilling to move on. Best wishes Gailee

Hi Gailee
Nice to meet you. You are quite right, most people we know in our lives don’t know how this feels. The only people who do are those that are living it. I have said to people who tell me to get a hobby and take my mind off it that they will never know what this game s like until it happens to you. Motivation to get out of the rut comes and goes and boy when it goes you hit the deck big time. For me anxiety kicks and I fear being alone. Jay

Hi Gailee
Retirement was a big thing with us as it really was around the corner Heather had 9 months and myself a year.It was the thought of pleasing ourselves no ties just being able to do our own thing.Now it’s financially possible for me to finish a year early it’s that lonely feeling which makes everyday seem like a challenge.I try to busy myself catching up on jobs on the house stopping when I have a moment .
I expect you find your part time job helps especially if you see different people.Although no one really understands unless it’s happen to them.Best wishes Steve

Hi Gailee, so sorry to hear about this. I lost my husband only recently and already fear becoming lonely, people are already getting on with their lives as couples and like you I have teenage daughters, one left already and the other will in a year or so and I have no family near. My husband was my best friend and we did everything together. I too have been looking for a group and and there’s just nothing, so if you hear of any please do let me know, and I’ll do the same. I’m in the north east of the country, whereabouts are you?

Hi Annie so sorry to hear of your loss, thanks for giving me details of jolly dollies have looked it up and there is a group about 10mile from me and I am in the process of registering I am finding its good to talk to people that understand what you are going through. Best wishes Gailee

Hi Moz, your life is so like mine, Tommie was my best friend too, I have had a lot of helpful replies and Annie suggested a website called jolly dollies run by widows for widows and I looked it up and there is indeed a list of groups in different areas I found one near me and in the process of registering hopefully there’s one near you,I’m in Norfolk. Best of luck let me know how it goes Gailee

Hi Priscilla, Thanks so much for your welcome I have been blown away by the responses that I have received and how much we have in common, I have indeed been in touch with Tina and hope to stay in touch. Thanks Gailee

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Hi Gailee, thanks for your reply. Pleased to hear about that group, I really hope it’s what you need. I’m up in County Durham. I’ll have a look to see if there’s a group up here. Speak soon. Moz

Hi Jay, you’re so right. My next door neighbour lost her husband this year, same as me, and she was telling me this morning that her sister asked her if she was over it yet. We both stood and cried at the insensitivity, the neighbours must have been bemused. I feel lucky to have her next door, we’re not friends as such but now we’ve both been been unfortunate enough to be widowed we have something in common and can share these experiences. None of my friends have lost their spouses and I can tell they just don’t get it, so my neighbour is the only person who understands. It’s strange finding support where you don’t expect it, from relative strangers, and then finding your friends and family can’t give you what you need. I’m scared of being alone the rest of my life, but I can’t see how to avoid it because I also just want to hide myself away and grieve, and I don’t have the confidence to socialise anymore. Moz

Hi everyone,I lost my husand in October it was very sudden we had 4 weeks to get our head around it all then he died (some of you on this sight already know this.There are no groups in my area I joined the jolly dollies sight before christma.like Moz i i dont don’t have family in the area and my two daughters live away.I was feeling positive but the last few days I can’t cope and have taken to my bed why is there no one to help the bereaved.I’m planting a cherry tree at my husband work it is the symbol of lasting friendship he was so liked by his colleagues I need to keep his memory alive even though they are all in my heart.sorry if I sound depressive I try to stay a bit uplifting o this sight as we are all going through this he’ll. Take care everyone,