How do you cope being alone after the loss of your partner after many many years. I am not only grieving his loss and struggling to accept he won’t ever come back but I also hate living alone . I am lonely nervous esp at night and can’t see a future without him. What’s the point in trying when all I face is this empty painful lost existence.
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@Belinda1 i am sorry you are alone . The first few months i was in deep shock . I had a massive knot in my stomach. Please look after yourself and take all the help you can get .
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Belinda, I am very sorry that your partner died. I was there 17 months ago.
Of course you are lost, lonely, nervous, this is all very normal in the misery that is widowhood. I don’t know how long it has been for you, but the first 4 months are a blur. Your brain stops functioning. It is real, it is called widow brain. You’ve suffered a trauma. PTSD. It happens to us all. I was lost in a dense fog, heartbroken, scared, anxiety through the roof, sleepless, had to force myself to nibble on food, unable to form sentences, no short term memory, afraid to drive, never left the house except for dire necessities.
During which I had to manage all of the responsibilities that were once shared. Estate, accounts, revenue department, utilities, property transfers, paperwork, paperwork paperwork! I was a shut in just trying to keep my own head above water.
Live hour by hour. Feed yourself nutrition dense food. Take your vitamins, accept that your feelings are exactly what we know all too well, they are normal under the circumstances. You are not going crazy or senile. You are grieving.
It is overwhelming, we get it. Use one notebook to write down names and numbers and details rather than scraps of paper - my big novice error. Also, each day write down five things that you will do. Check them off when done. At the end of the week you have accomplished 35 things, 150 in a month. Sometimes, taking a shower counts.
But, you will see a visual reminder of the forward motion you have made. It is step by step. Hour by hour.
Belinda, the future you thought you would have disappeared in the blink of an eye. That is a massive loss. The past is also lost. You may feel like you are in limbo.
What is happening is that you are having to create a whole new life for you and after so long being part of a couple, we don’t know who we are anymore. We aren’t the same, the old us is gone. The new one is like giving birth to an end table, but we are here, we are doing it and we are living again.
Some of us have moved locations, downsized to be nearer to centers for shopping, restaurants, coffee shops, etc. Some of us (me) got a second dog - don’t do that.
I promise you this, you will survive this and learn to life again. We can live with the loss, it will never go away, but we can enjoy life again.
At 17 months, it is still a rollercoaster of highs and lows, but there are more highs than lows now. Yes, there are lonely times. I have learned to force myself to do things like a dinner out with a friend, I went to a movie theater just this last Saturday for the first time in years. I went to a concert. I went to a school fair and rode the rides with the kids and danced by myself to the live band. Not caring who thought what. I felt like dancing, so I did.
Then, I flew from the US to Rome and was in St. Peter’s for the 1st anniversary of my husband’s death, during the Jubilee. I was terrified to go, but I made myself. I can do it again.
It’s a struggle, but only we can create this life we have now, so let’s create one we love.
It gets better. I promise. The physical pain will be relieved, there will be fewer tears, you will sleep well again, your confidence will build with each step you take.
You’ve got this. We are here with you.
Hugs,
Peaches
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Sorry, Rome was before the festivities at the school fair. I felt free to live again as I had faced my fear of flying to a country to which I have never been without my big strong man with me, and overcame it.
And, some have moved to be closer to family and dear friends.
You have summed our journey in this new life we never asked for perfectly.
In the very early days(I’m 50 weeks in) I would move from room to room just searching for my hubby never being able to sit still. It was a struggle to get out of bed or even dress in those early days. Having nothing to get up for, no children nor pets to care for, only myself which I didn’t bother with.
It is definitely a rollercoaster some days I don’t cry then some days I can’t stop.
In a couple of weeks it will be the year anniversary unsure what I will do, I wonder will anyone else remember then I think does it matter?
This forum has been a great help. I have made connections through this group which have helped me.
The old me passed the day my hubby so the new me is still finding her way but I will get there, I have to.
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I feel like that too. My partner died suddenly 5 months ago. Apart from the day I found him collapsed, the first couple of months are a blur even the funeral. There were lots of people coming to the house but that’s all stopped now. Although I have some support I feel lost and lonely. I just can’t get my head around the fact I ll never see him again. He was 66 and had so much to live for. I’m broken, I just don’t ever see myself being happy again.
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Thank you @peaches for your positive and inspirational post. X
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Norma, I promise you that this horrid phase will pass and you will have happiness again. I didn’t think it was possible, but here I am - kicking it. For me, the 9th month saw a change as I had gotten most of the ducks in a row and felt more in control of the whirlwind around me. I only have short images of the first months, I can’t really remember what was going on but it was like being a zombie just going through the motions.
The more you accomplish, the more confidence you gain and confidence was certainly lacking for me. Couldn’t make a decision, mulled over every little thing before acting, always afraid I would make a huge mistake on every issue.
It is normal that people stop calling and coming for a visit. Their lives didn’t change, yours did. For people who have never gone through such a loss they will never understand what you are enduring. It’s okay.
Yes, you have been broken but you can, and will, mend yourself back together. It is okay to lick our wounds. There is no way to rush through, to run faster on this path of widowhood, or a pill that will make it all just go away. There were times I just wanted to run away from it all and leave the responsibilities and memories behind. But, that doesn’t work either.
It is truly hour by hour. It took forever for me to leave the house and when I did, I rushed through the errand and back home as quickly as possible. The world was terrifying and I couldn’t be away from home for more than 1 hour. My heart would race and the anxiety flooded all common sense.
Once all the dreaded “firsts” were done, I felt like I could survive. My husband’s funeral was on my birthday, then Halloween, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Mardi Gras, our anniversary, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s day, July 4th, and I spent all but the funeral day alone. I made it, you will too. Year 2, I forced myself to celebrate with friends and family. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.
None of this is easy, but we will all make it.
Heartbroken, I went days without a shower, wore the same clothes for day and even slept in them. It was hard to just brush my teeth and comb my hair. I just didn’t care.
But, I ordered new sheets, new kitchen towels, some newer clothes, purged the house of things I didn’t want, need, use or that were broken and started on delayed maintenance projects bit by bit. When I look back at all I achieved even in the first year, I am amazed.
Rule of Fives. 5 things a day. No matter how small, they count. Sometimes, it is cleaning the kitchen for 5 minutes or folding 5 towels. Sometimes it is getting things done for 5 minutes every hour.
It will be better. Never great as we live with a wounded soul, but it will be better.
Love from the US,
Peaches
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BTW I was always losing things, so disorganized and forgetful. I put a tray out and it is where the keys, wallet, eyeglasses, receipts, etc., go so I always know where to look. It made a huge difference as I was constantly searching for lost things and it made me feel helpless and hopeless.
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Thank you so much for all the advise . I am just 10 weeks on this nightmare journey ,but reading your post at least gives a little hope. I wish you well in your new life too. Thank you .
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I find since his death my brain memory is a fog. The paper work horrendous and I dont retain a thing. Im going to write things down in a notepad and kot on scraps of paper i did too then promptly lose them or misplace everything. Some good tips thank you.
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We are all suffering such similar nightmares. I hope in time life gets better for you and all of us. I thank everyone who have offered both sympathies and advise. We are all suffering and I hope all of us somehow one day can live with even a small glimmer of hope for a future without our loved ones. I know my husband wouldn’t want me to stay stuck in grief forever but for now it’s all I have. Sending love and hope to everyone.
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Thank you for your kind words.
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I’m only 4 weeks in after losing my wonderful partner, to a sudden cardiac arrest which he didn’t recover from, I just don’t know what to do sometimes. Going out scares me, the last time I just broke down, his funeral isn’t for another 10 days, but am feeling so anxious. I just don’t want to say goodbye. Reading some of these messages are helping me to cope with this awful rollercoaster I seem to be on.
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Belinda1
I know what you are going through. I was with my partner for 32 years, and she passed away six weeks before Christmas 2023. I couldn’t see any future without her, and I did try something really stupid, and after being given grief counselling i was coming to terms with my loss, but now I am wondering what the point is of me still being here. I have no friends or family, and every day is the same. I think the best thing for you would be to consider counselling
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All I can do is send my love. I lost my husband in December after 62 years. I can identify with all of your sadness 
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LJG, this is the part you will not recall as it is all going on in a dense fog. The first 4 months are brutal. You will be sad, depressed, lethargic, sleepless, hopeless, helpless, indecisive, exhausted, anorexic, will note be able to form sentences, have no short term memory, will lose things all over the house, will be afraid to be out of the house, afraid to drive, avoid people and a shut-in. It took that long before I would open my blinds. Expect it and do not fret as that phase is natural and will pass. It will. It is all so much the same with the window life. You aren’t going crazy, you don’t have demetia, it is widow brain. Trauma.
Each day is truly hour by hour. Our mind, mood, desire, changes; we can’t go out anywhere with friends. Can’t face them.
I am so very sorry that your husband died and I know how anxious you are feeling about the funeral. Here is my advice:
Pick out your best looking and fitting attires, make sure it is in tip top shape. Select the jewelry, the shoes, and the bag you will carry. Make an appointment with the salon to get your hair and nails done. Plan how you will get to and from the funeral. Does the car need a wash and vacuum, fuel, air in tires? Will you be hosting a repass after? Instead of in your home, perhaps a restaurant or coffee house. No clean up before and no mess after.
Use the tray as I suggested now as well as the notebook, I wish I had started those things immediately as it would have saved a lot of additional circling around the house. Of that there will be plenty. Pace, pace, pace.
When a friend or family member says “if there is anything I can do, let me know”, take them up on it. It may be just going shopping with you or driving you somewhere. They want to help, let them. It makes them feel good too.
I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t cook. I kept chicken salad, a green salad, some chopped fruits and veggies, cheese, boiled eggs, nuts and raisins in the house. I nibbled on these things, all high in nutritional value and bit sized servings. Make yourself eat something every couple of hours so you do not become ill. But, leave the junk food alone. It is no good for PTSD especially PTSD. Take vitamin C, D, K, and zinc. Use idodized salt. Take magnesium baths.
Know that it is okay to feel just as you do. You are okay. You are here and you are grieving appropriately. Cry your eyes out; one day they won’t come so often.
You will make it on the widow’s path. It is a tough one, but look at all our survivors here. We may all be walking wounded, but we are walking.
Love from the US,
Peaches
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Boo, you are here for a reason, you just haven’t created a new life yet. I think you are stuck in the way it was, but your whole world changed in the blink of an eye.
It sounds like silly mumbo-jumbo, but it is true, you have to find the new you. Your past is gone, the future you thought you would have is gone, and you have to figure out what kind of life you want. Pick a happy one.
Join a club, go regularly to a coffee shop, treat yourself to a theater movie, go to church and church functions. Get things on the calendar other than doctor visits and bill paying.
Rescue a pet from the shelter. You will have a friend, someone that loves you and that you love and a great companion. Caring for another creature gives us more than it takes.
A dog will need to be walked. Travel to different trails and get out in nature with your buddy.
You are not alone. There are hundreds of us here. When you need to talk, come here. When you just need to pour out your heart, come here.
Love,
Peaches
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I can relate to what you’ve said because it’s exactly how I feel. I’m five months without my partner now and feel worse than earlier. Friends say I have to navigate a new life now but I don’t want to. I could handle it better if the terrible anxiety would subside. It’s irrational but I just want him back and for this endless nightmare to stop. How do you move forward when you’ve spent almost 40 years with someone?
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