Hi all

I lost my mam to cancer at the end of July & I just can’t seem to pull myself together! She was my best friend & confidant & I feel totally lost without her. Went back to work for 3 weeks after her funeral but have gone off on the sick again this week as can’t handle work & all the associated BS

Hello, I am so sorry that your lovely mum as had to go and cancer is horrible. I really did try to return to work but if you can’t deal with it then you are much better not being there. I wonder what support your mum had? If from a hospice or cancer care team then they may be able to help with counselling, ok it may not be face to face but it may help you get back to work a little earlier if that’s what you want.
The love we have for our mums and then they are no longer there is hard to deal with and process how our lives have to change. Take your time there’s no rush it’s now about being kind to yourself and working out life from here. Please take extra care because you will be more vulnerable both physical and mentally. There are may posts from others in your position so please browse. Stay safe Sxxx

Hi Robij so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, I too lost my mum in July and I’m still struggling to come to terms with losing her, i cared for her at home for 6 weeks and miss her so much, I’m not back at work yet I just can’t face it, I’m so tired all the time and the wave of emotions is so exhausting, I’m starting a counselling session on Monday so I hope that helps me, I know a part of me died when I lost her and I will never be the person I was, I was told that’s the price we pay for loving someone so much, try contacting cruse or the counselling available on this forum, there is a waiting list but I’m sure it will help you, messaging on here is comforting to chat with others who know what your going through,
Sending a hug.
Lynn x

My sisters and I cared for her at home as she didn’t want to go into hospice/hospital. The palliative care nurses were amazing, but I still get flashbacks of when she was in discomfort/pain. Not sure what I’m supposed to do without her???

Hi there Robin and Lynn I lost my mum 2 years ago and my dad 2 months ago both to cancer and I looked after both till end of life. It was traumatic and I miss them both so much.

Lynn you should be proud that you looked after them. Nobody understands the enormity of the task until they’ve been there. It isn’t mopping a brow and final words. It’s brutal. But you did it and you did so because love makes you do brave and strong things.

I know myself that the toll here is high because not only are you processing a loss but also the process of the passing. It takes time. I seriously think I had a form of PTSD after my mum. The only thing that helped me was letting it all out and time. I screamed, cried, sobbed. It wasn’t pretty but in all honesty I think it would have more deeply impacted me otherwise. So I’d recommend finding a vehicle whatever that may be. Physical exertion helps too, running, walking or working out. Your pain needs some release.

As for work…well in mum’s case I hung on too much and tried to keep it all going. I learned my lesson. In a year ot two what will matter more…that you rushed back to the office or that you healed a bit more first? Choose the latter unless there is an absolute reason you can’t . Your parents were part of your life for such a long time it’s not something you quickly recover from. I think an investment in healing now pays dividends for later.

I know i really struggled to care about what then seems like petty office politics or silly stresses. It’s hard to see anything the same after you’ve been through so much. For me, I ended up eventually leaving that job as I felt my life couldn’t go back, it could only go forwards.

Hopefully you have colleagues who will be gentle with you. Just remember you can only do your best . Work can also be a good bit of structure and support in its own way. You need to guage for yourself when it is a problem and when it is a help. Take the time you need. But also reintegrate slowly baxk into life because life does go on even though it may seem otherwise.

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