Its been just over 14months since losing my beautiful Anne. I wish I could say that life has moved on somewhat along with positivity but it hasnt - not really. I have some lovely neighbours who have me over for drinks and a lunch three times a week ( Kieth misses male company since medical retirement) And our daughter Sarah visits every other week and our son Matt in between. In company I’m fine but on my own I miss my soul mate so much. I have anxiety attacks fairly often and bouts of depression. The meds for clinical depression do help but only just. Ive been on them for over 30yrs. But I know Anne is well in spirit. For about three months following her passing coins would appear in the oddest places in our house, mostly dated 2016 or 2000. Some bright and shiny in mint condition. Ive kept every one of them. Then when the coins stopped white feathers started to appear in the house, in the garden and on my walks. Ive kept some of those as well. They are still turning up to the present time. To add to this mostly every day and when unexpected I get a tingling across my face as if someone had placed a cobweb on me. I instinctively break into a smile because I know Anne is visiting me and so I talk to her. In fact as I write now the tingling has just started and I’m smiling. Annes visits lift my mood. But oh how I miss our cuddles. How I miss not looking after and protecting her. Yet I wouldnt want her back with that evil cancer running through her, or with the Covid 19 pandemic. Yet despite everything I’m not truly a happy man. I miss her far too much to be truly happy.
Love and Light
Geoff x
Welcome back Geoff. 
Oh Geoff. You sound like you are doing your lovely Anne proud. I think my dad could have written your post. I bet your children are very proud of you as I am of my dad living without his soulmate, my mum.
Hi Geoff
It’s good to have an old friend back with us, even if you would rather not be here.
I am so pleased that you are looking for those signs of Anne just as I do Brian. I also feel some comfort and thank him when I know he’s around taking care of me. He has crtainly managed to lift my spirits at times.
I think many of us can relate to not being truly happy. I keep myself busy and do things that I like doing and I can truthfully say enjoy but am I happy, I have no idea because I think I’ve forgotten what it feels like.
Anxiety attack and bouts of depression seems to be the norm when grieving. Two days ago I decided there was too many memories of Brian in this house and I couldn’t cope any longer. I was going to an estate agent and they could sell the house for any offer, I wanted out. I would live in a garden shed if needs be. Today I am re-thinking. Up and down, our heads really are a mess.
I too feel like you, I would never want my beloved Brian back with that Evil C, destroying him and causing him so much pain. I see him now as fit and well again and free from pain which does help a little.
Stay with us.
Pat
xxx
Hi Patti
Reading your post triggered weird thoughts I have had. A part of me finds our house soulless and without spirit since Anne passed. I feel its no longer a home - which Anne made it - but now a residence. Yet I couldn’t bare to move. Im too old anyway for all that aggravation. Yet a part of me wants to shrink into a smaller life. Living in a shed, a one roomed flat, or even wandering the streets homeless and laying my head where I happened to be appeals to my my mind set. Like the old me never existed - a complete denial of my past in the hope I became insane or died. Either way the hurt would go away.
Love and Light
Geoff x
Oh Geoff
I know exactly how you feel.i have come to bed tonight at a minute past 12 knowing that 25th Sept is the 2and anniversary of my Ron’s passing. I can’t believe this time has passed and how I have come so far without him but I have.I feel I have learned to cope but like you my life is soulless. I feel it has all been a bad dream and tomorrow I might wake up but I know I won’t.i have coped but I don’t know how because nothing seems worth caring about without the husband I loved for so long.I dread WAKING up and re living it all again. The early morning phone call from the hospice telling me his breathing had changed.seeing him die without even knowing I was there. No doubt after today it will all become a vacant dream again waiting for the next trigger. Thinking of you too.God bless and good night.
Hi Geoff your feelings so match mine and I really don’t feel I will ever recover ,my Eileen didn’t have cancer but had 2 strokes 28 years ago and was slowly getting worse although I didn’t see it as I was there every morning and night ,only people who didn’t see her regularly saw the deterioration,I suppose I wouldn’t want the poorly Eileen back but saying that I would want and do want her back in any state as I would have tried to look after her ,I miss her so much every bit of the day ,it has only been a few months but everything is so raw and I don’t see a way out ,don’t want any meds though
Feel as though I am rambling so once again hope you find peace as I hope to find it soon .
Steve
Hi Geoff
A residence, that is what it is. Yet at times I draw comfort from this house. I wish I could make up my mind.
Too Old!!! of course your not. My Nan moved from a large Victorian house when in her eighties and said it made a wonderful difference to her life. She swore she would never leave it as she had lived there for nearly fifty years. So never say never. I know exactly what you mean though. I feel that one room would suffice for me these days.
Pat
Hi Angiejo --the anniversarys and special dates are so hard and I hope you have coped today the best you can.Our husbands would want us to be happy but that is so hard without them.I know David hung on so hard to life cause he was worried about leaving me and knew I would just miss him so much, I am just taking each day as it comes and some are just terrible and some I have hope that I may find some sort of joy again. At the moment i just go through the motions --walk the dog, do some gardening and try and notice nature and all the birds and plants but it is a soulless existence and I dont know the answers. x