honest opinions please

Ian…
…I fully relate to the feeling of " we should be happy…" but in our unforeseen circumstances " we are not happy…" because this should not be even happening in the first place…

Jackie…

Hi Ian, do so hope that your knowledge of how much Jayne loved you is a comfort to you at such a sad time. Surely her family that are trying to take so much from you must now understand that you was soulmates and Jayne loved you so much and wanted to protect you. Do keep in touch we care about you. Pat xxxx

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hi Pat,thank you very much for your kind words,Jayne was my world and its great knowing Jayne loved me so much as want take care of me,but im missing her more each day,she was a very very special lady and it was an absolute honour being able say she chose me as her partner.thank you for caring Pat. there are so many wonderful people on here ,who at time put their own tragic circumstances behind them and show some love for others in a similar situation.again thank its nice knowing there are people who genuinely care.regards ian

what om i supposed to do when its obvious the mother of the lady i loved as not an ounce of compassion and shows by the way she acts that i mean absolutely nothing.i loved Jayne with all my heart i didnt ask for Jayne to pass i wanted be with Jayne till the day i died.Jayne loved me with all her heart.but Jaynes mother just wants me to suffer.ive just tried calling several times a 24 hour bereavement line which never seems to have a caller available to chat.im stressed out and not coping knowing the family i thought liked me a little,infact hate me a lot.what to do.im at a loss.

Ian…
…hang in there, you WILL come out tops in the end, just persevere with your Janes wishes, not there’s…Have you contacted Age UK? they may work on your behalf and help take some pressure off you…
I too am an outsider in my Richards family, not one has phoned me since the funeral but hey, this makes me a stronger person…

Ian, I will never understand human nature. How cruel and unkind people can be.
Have you tried a letter to this woman and explain how you felt for Jayne and how she felt for you. Ask them outright why they want to make your life a misery at such a sad time and when you are grieving for the woman you loved so much and who loved you.

I too thought that everything was fine between my husbands family but they have made no contact since the funeral. I have written to some of them and said I would love to hear from them but nothing. I have written and tried to ring his daughters but they have refused to respond. I have now written his daughters and grownup grandchildren out of the will. My own children have made little contact also although my daughter lives in Spain but has made no contact for months. It seems we are forgotten but this makes me determined to show them all that I can do without them and will not become a victim. Stay strong Ian, dig deep, and show this terrible family that you are a survivor.
Don’t forget the Samaritans if you need someone to talk to. Have you tried Cruse counselling. You might have to wait a while but it might help you.
Take care Pat xxx

sorry youve been treated bad by your husbands family.seems some people act 1 way when they are with us and completely opposite when they are gone.jaynes much i think believes she should get everything of jaynes be that the house and any monies,shes on evil lady,she doesnt consider me at all ,yet Jayne chose be with me and to anyone who knew us we was a couple who loved each other.Ann believes no one was more important than she was in jaynes life,she done nasty things from day 1.i mean i didnt find out till 3 days before the funeral that this cold calculating piece of work hadnt told the father who was doing the service that Jayne had a partner,he had no idea who i was,luckily i wanted do my own eulogy so made appointment and spoke with him.when Jayne passed away in the hospice i said all i wanted was to be with jayne when i died ,so let ann do the funeral,biggest regret of my life the funeral was about the family apart from Jayne,the write up in the paper was disgusting saying jayne loved her family and nieces no love shown towards Jayne only comment was jayne brought fun to the family.i ended up putting an article in the paper showing Jaynes work history and how proud i was of jaynes acheivements and how much i loved her.ive put articles in since 1 for our anniversary were was not married but 24th 1991 was the first time we became a couple,i put one in just show i was missing her and she would be in my heart and thoughts till i die.jaynes mum shows no love for jayne she as crocadile tears now and again,she said nothing is worse than losing a child,i agree if youed shown some love in all aspects of events after jayne passed away,she as shown nothing that would signify how much some one would show if they was truly heart broken at losing their daughter.Jayne was my whole world and im not coping at all its like being in a living nightmare and the only way out is my demise.im hanging on because i do not want that money grabbing lady get anything else which she most definately is not enititled.the law regarding unmarried partners is disgusting why should any relative be put before a surviving partner,its a ^£$4 joke.if we were married and i recieved it all i would evn if begrudgingly would of given the mum and dad something,were as if jayne hadnt put me on pensions and expression of with Jaynes family would of given me f all just hoped and go away and die.im awaiting pension decision now only expression of wish as been decided in my favour fingers crossed as it would at least give me the option to try live on without my soul mate.
thanks again Pat and Jackie ,i hope and pray you get the strength from some where to cope with the nightmares youve been in.
regards ian

Well done Ian for putting your piece about Jayne in the paper. You stood up for what you wanted and you can continue to do it. Although it would be nice now if you could grieve quietly and not have this family to worry about. These sort of things do play on your mind more so than ever at a time of grief. I worried myself sick about Brian’s daughters. What had I done to them? Had I let Brian down in some way? Why wouldn’t they get in touch? Was I such a terrible person? I was losing sleep and after four months of silence from them decided to forget about them and wrote them one last letter.
They too wanted the funeral to be about them. As they left they said “You could have mentioned us” For what reason, they had not been to see their father for some years and wasn’t answering his calls although both live locally and he had no wish to see them at the end. At the funeral they expected people to go to them and not me. I had been his wife for thirty years what did they expect.They went off in a huff because of this. I did explain by letter that it was Brian’s day not theirs or mine. It was all about him, his achievements, his life and there was to be no goodbye’s. And wished that if they had any animosity towards me, that they could have displayed it another time and not at their fathers funeral as I had wanted Brian to be surrounded by love. I am fortunate that I am not having the problems you are having. I am secure and don’t have to be bothered with them ever again. Just as you will eventually put this family out of your life and the hurt they are causing you. His family ignoring me has actually made me stronger just as you must stay strong. Jayne would have wanted this from you and not talk of your demise. Each day is a challenge, accept this, until one day you will get some peace. God bless Pat xx

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Hey
My partner passed away just over a month ago. We did not have a will and had only just moved in together. During his illness there was strain on my relationship with the in laws but after he passed they wanted to make sure they did everything he wanted and they made sure I was ok and spoke to me about what goes to who as in bits for his friends and bits that he wanted me to have. They didn’t rush anyone, but leaving it too long doesn’t make it any easier. It sounds like they just want the possessions but they might just be going into auto pilot I know I did. I packed all his bits that I wasnt keeping the day after as I couldn’t cope with it being there. Everyone reacts so differently to grief. Not knowing how close you all are makes it hard to comment but I couldn’t imagine losing a child, I just watched his parents lose him. I hope I never see that again. Maybe you should get a family member or a friend to help you have that conversation with them. I really hope it goes ok as it’s the last thing anyone needs x

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thank you for your input,its not just a case of talking,its a case of jaynes mum being cold and calculating to the extent that if i got absolutely nothing she would be over the moon she is without doubt the most money grabbing lady ive ever had the misfortune to know.she know we was together 28 years didnt tell the father were was even together,i found out 3 days before funeral because i wanted do my own eulogy.sorry but no mediation of family chat will change this nasty so and so,s mind.

https://youtu.be/yC0Izm9VVgQ

Dear Ian
Thank you for the link…there are so many songs out there which often provide comfort to us as we try to come to terms with our pain…I am sometimes amazed at just how many people have stood where we now stand…grief is part of being human and has existed since time began but we don’t realise it until it comes knocking on our own front door!
I hope that things are a little less fraught for you today.
I understand that your situation and the way members of Jayne’s family are behaving is so distressing for you and that it is causing you additional anxiety about an uncertain future but try to rise above it if you can…you were Jayne’s chosen partner and the love you shared is exclusively yours…no one can ever take that from you and it is of more intrinsic value than anything else. Of course you must try to secure some security for yourself but please don’t let your anger and pain overcome you…you were able to give your eulogy in spite of everything…have faith that you will also receive the legacy that Jayne wanted. Losing the one who has shared our life is perhaps the hardest thing we have to experience but losing a child is up there too and perhaps Jayne’s mother is fighting her own demons.
Take care…I so hope that life begins to be a little kinder to you. God bless x

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hi amelia’sgran,
all i know is,i could not love Jayne any more than i do.and its sad that Jaynes mum as shown loads of nastiness to me ,and not much love for the loss of her daughter.although ive been told the pensions will go to me,its not eased my emotions,if anything its made me more emotional knowing that the person i loved more than i thought possible wanted me to be ok if anything happened to her.dont think ive wept so much in my life,all i really want is to be with Jayne and cuddle her i tell her and show her how much i love and miss her…as regards the song,id never heard of selina who sang it,but found it the other day and ive listened to it 100s of times already,sadly selina was shot and died in 1995,tragic loss of a young life.listening to this song im usually in a flood of tears as i miss my beautiful Jayne so much.again thak you for your comment very much appreciated.

We are now treading a fine line between sorting stuff-things out and staying strong and focused… Then on the other side, when our mind-our thoughts focus on our loved one who we have recently lost and our minds do our usual flashbacks and we then shed our tears once again, I think we are living between the reality and our unreality that keeps coming back to haunt us…then we go back in time, and just go to pieces, over and over again…

Jackie…

Meant to have added,I have days when I feel strong, I go to bed at night and say to myself " I have achieved something again today, not much, but another step forwards…" then at other times I completely go weak, and go to pieces crying out to Richard, I cant go on, I cant do this anymore…

Jackie…

Oh Jackie I too feel this, coping, being strong, facing the world and then wham I’m crying all over again. I never thought about death, and what it would bring, why should I, like you life was good, didn’t ask for much, my husband company was all I wanted, happy to sit in the garden, do a little shopping, watch tv. Occasionally go out for breakfast. Never demanded expensive holidays, we were content with what we had. And then he was taken from me. Do read people’s posts, not always replying but empathise with everything everyone says.

Hi Jackie, I too have moments that I feel stronger and my counsellor said I am doing well, but the last couple of days I have felt so down. I bought a Father’s Day card for Simons dad as he has been like a father to me. I put mine and the dogs names down and wrote at the bottom, Simon will be with you. I just wanted to include him as it’s the first Father’s Day. It knocked me for six, because Simon would normally write it. I walked home with tears in my eyes and broke down when I got in. Then I took the dogs for a walk and they were sniffing a bush and I just happened to turn round and a man was coming towards me on a red buggy, which Is what Simon used to ride and he would catch me up at that spot!! I just couldn’t believe it, so I’ve had a bit of a rough time! I know I will get stronger again one day.
Take care Janet. X

reached the end of my tether,decided see a solicitor to deal with the family that are treating me like crap.im trying buy the house i shared with Jayne for 20 years.and get the car and hopefully get the ashes.its all in my solicitors hands and hes sending a letter to make an offer to buy house and car,and offering pay for a burial plot for Jayne but id what be dealing with everything around this request.im not longer dealing or responding to Jaynes mum.she will get the letter next week.

Ian…
…please look after your own health, this really is our time to " look after number one…" but do what you have to do…

Jackie…

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