I lost my dad and mum within 12wks of each other I can come to terms with the loss of my dad .I was there to hold his hand sit with him tell.him goodbye when he passed he had a lovely funeral with all his family and friends there to pay there respect he died on the 23rd Dec 2019. Then on the 17th April 2020 my mum passed away she was in a care home she had dementia I visited her nearly every day she didn’t know who I was when I first went in but after a while I think she knew who I was even thou she couldn’t really talk she would just hold my hand .Then in the beginning of march 2020 they closed the doors to the care home I had visited the day before then I was phoned to say no more visits to see My mum .she just went downhill from there she needed to be with people but was restricted to her room .then the call to tell.me the Dr had put in place end of life for my mum .my heart is broken but my head is not accepting she is gone no goodbye no picking out her final outfit I wasn’t allowed to see her at the funeral parlour I feel like I was at a strangers funeral I’m just so unhappy I cry a lot when I’m on my own everyone thinks I’m coping but I’m not there’s the feeling of guilt I should have been there holding her hand telling her how much she was loved .I know many loved ones died and still are with the pandemic and I just wanted to.know how they are coping I’m so lost .
Janet so sorry for your double loss. Don’t beat yourself up I’m sure your mum knew you loved her and would have been there if you could. Dementia is a awful disease robbing people of there memories and identity . Im the same as you people think I’m doing ok but behind closed doors is a different story I cry all the time don’t sleep or eat but I tell people I’m eating ok . I miss my hubby so much I think I’m having a break down doc rang today and I’m seeing a mental health nurse next week but I’m not telling my mum as I don’t want to worry her she’s in her 80s and she thinks I’m doing fine. Hope you find some peace soon and remember your mum and how she used to be I know its hard love but we have to try x
Thank you for your kind words I havnt told the Dr how I’m feeling I know I should try to get some help .I’m sorry for the loss of your hubby x
Hello Janet
I’m really sorry to read about your Mum and Dad. I can’t even begin to comprehend how you are feeling. You mentioned you are most distressed about your Mum and what happened as a result of the pandemic. I don’t have experience of having lost anyone in the pandemic but in December I did lose my Mum in hospital - it wasn’t what we planned and she deserved so much better, she had Alzheimer’s Disease. In that respect I can empathize with you a bit as losing someone with Dementia brings a whole layer of difficult emotions. It’s no greater a loss than other conditions but it’s different and it makes a difference. Mum had also been in hospital in the first wave and was unable to see anyone. It saddens me to think of how Dementia patients have been treated. Even though Gov guidance was that Dementia patients could have a visitor, it was always at the ward managers discretion and that usually meant “no”. Up until that dreadful decision to not allow you in you were doing everything you could, whilst you could. You couldn’t have asked any more of yourself. Your Mum must have been so relieved and pleased you’d been going to see her so often. I know that just saying that won’t make one iota of a difference, how possibility could it. Even without the pandemic I’m struggling to cope, and worry about my mental health and can only advise you to not suffer in silence if you feel at any point your emotions become too much to bear.
Just a thought but could you have a 2nd memorial service or life celebration type of thing, I don’t know if that may help you in any way.
I know what I’ve said isn’t really helpful but somehow, as Misprint above has said, we will hopefully get to a point where the dominant memories are the good ones. We are only human and that seems a monumental thing to ask of ourselves and it maybe that we do need a little helping hand along the way, and that’s fine. Sending kind regards.
Janet, so sorry to hear you have lost your mum and dad. I have also lost both parents, my mum died July 2021, and she also had the onset of dementia. I totally understand how you feel. I too go to work trying g to pretend that everything is OK, when it’s not. Just feel so lost without her. But please don’t feel guilty that you couldn’t be there for her at the end. Your mum knew you loved her. I know it’s hard, I think we all feel guilty when we lose a loved one. I keep feeling guilty about things I wish I,d said and done differently . I know that my mum and dad are always with me, watching over me, as your mum and dad are you. I hope that this gives you some comfort x
Hello Janet. I understand how you are feeling about the loss of your mum in April 2020 and the fact you were unable to be with her and say goodbye because of covid restrictions. I lost my husband Peter on 24th April 2020 and was unable to be with him in the hospital before he died he died on his own and I shall never get over that our sons and I couldn’t see him in the Chapel of rest or let him have his own clothes to be cremated in. A small service with only family and no wake afterwards I still cry everyday over his loss and the unfairness of what covid has cost so many people so I do feel for you and send my love. X
Thank you for your message jen I feel so lost there just seems no closure to losing my mum I wasn’t even allowed in the care home to collect her things and it’s things like that that help to relize that mum is no longer here in my heart I know but my head just dosnt accept this .x