How do I cope

Hi, I lost my husband on the 18th April to cancer, He was taken ill so called an ambulance, but was unable to go with him because of the coronavirus, tests carried out in A&E showed cancer and he died 3 hours later. We were in Malta at the time. Not being with him when he died and just holding his hand haunts me every day. We were together 46years . I got a repatriation flight home on the 27th April and feel as if I have just totally abandoned him when he needed me most. I can’t stop crying and can barely eat, contacted my GP because I know I need help but was only offered 3 days of sleeping pills, I don’t want pills as I am in such a bad place . Because he died in Malta and because of the virus I haven’t even been able to get hold of his death certificate, so can’t even close that part so that I can just have time to myself without added stress . I am sure I am not alone in these difficult times but it certainly feels as if I am

Hello, and you are not alone, everyone on this site have lost loved ones but you have and are going through the worst, my heart cry’s for you. I am a volunteer on here because I too lost my soulmate and if there’s any help I can offer it’s from my own personal experience. It must have been very difficult leaving Malta knowing you were on your own and coming back to an empty house takes a lot of courage and also not taking the doctors recommend advice regarding pills, it says to me you are a strong individual but just now it’s all got the better of you which is very understandable. I remember very well thinking I can’t go on but some how we have to, it seems like we haven’t got the chose. I do hope the certificate comes soon because that will help and you will find so many things that have to be done taking up your time and energy, I personally didn’t find it helped to give any type of closure but that’s because I don’t think I will ever find that place. For now you must take care of yourself, it is as they say early days down this road of grieving and being kind to yourself is a major thing. You will have good days again but it is a time thing and there’s no end date printed on the package, sorry. Try all the normal things to help you relax so you can get some sleep and remember we are always here for you, I know others will post giving you support. Blessings S

I share your grief and your loss. My wife friend and lover died in similar circumstances a month before yours. Although an author and writer I could not have articulated how I feel as well as you did.

Geoffrey, hi, sad times and when we loss some one in different country it just makes the whole thing harder to cope with. Words don’t ever convey that simple hug which in today’s world is forbidden. Take hope and know that in time things will seem brighter but never the same. Please look after yourself and my prayers and thoughts go to you both. S

Thank you both for replying, it is good to know there is someone out there that understands

A former soldier who can articulate tragedy. A former author/writer who is fully capable of expression. Not now. Not for myself nor for her . I am incoherent. Lord, I bring to you the soul of my Penny.

Geoffrey, I can feel your pain, it comes through so strong how you are. I can only say ‘hang in there’ it will become easier, never goes but somehow you get use to the pain and anguish. I can’t say when or how, just from my own experience it just does. It’s six years, only just but I still feel the heart ache and longing. I know from way back when I was nursing that his human body couldn’t take much more but I still didn’t want him to go and now I can still feel that pain but somehow you just have to get on with life, life, doesn’t stand still and we haven’t got a chose. That’s the hard facts but deep down you want it to end. Take each day, one at a time and try to stay positive that tomorrow will be better than today. I don’t know how I have got through these 6 years and somedays I don’t understand how I will get through any more, we just do. I think it’s human nature to serve. I hope tomorrow is better for you. Look after yourself, that’s an another hard thing to do.

Thank you. After 3 months I simply despair.

I can’t over the actual physical pain that I feel, does it ever go away? At the beginning I was hurting but still able to function, now I don’t seem to know how!!!

Hello to you both, first you will see lots of post say 3 months is nothing on this grief road but that’s not any good because for some they are over the worst and for there’s its only the beginning. Geoffrey it will ease and you will be able to get up one morning and think I can deal with this. The physical pain is telling you that you heart is broken and like any part of the body that’s damaged it takes time and effort to heal. I know you are going to say but the heart is an organ and can’t be broken, only in songs but that is what it feels like and is a perfect description of how you feel when your soulmate has to leave you. I can sit here tonight and still see my soulmate sat in his chair and now I don’t care how bad I feel because I know that’s me and I have accepted that pain, that loneliness, that heart ache and for me it’s the knowing that one day we will be together again and that’s what keeps me going. Ok I can get on with life and do things but each night I tell him what I have been doing with myself during the day, it all makes it easier to cope with. It’s finding what works for you and that takes time and effort, it’s all part of the healing process. Think how much you have achieved over the past weeks and think how proud they would be of you for dealing with this horrible situation and I know you both will get through this and life will be responsible again, not brilliant because I won’t lie to you but better than now. Things will work out, just let it and see what happens. Bless you both. Sxx

I only seem to survive through alcohol shutting down the worst. As an author I create, imagine. As a former soldier I know too many ways to die. As a believer purposeful death is excluded if I am to see her again, perhaps the worst misery of all. I have too long to live.

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Geoffrey, yes I know all about the alcohol but there’s amount that is ok but over that you get more depressed, how do I know?? I told a young doctor that if I pickled my liver then that was ok because I wouldn’t ask the NHS for help and he said he couldn’t put that on the form which ask how many units per week I had drank so I told him 3 units. Totally lie but that was very early days for me and I do understand even if I should be saying watch the alcohol and not watch it going down :smile_cat:. Truthfully, it will get better and you will see things improve but you also have to meet it halfway by trying to think positive. I know we are around the same age group and I think I may be wasting writing this but have you considered counselling from here or from Cruse, they both have waiting list and then your GP may be to offer counselling. Like I said, I think I know the answer. Just keep in touch with me if that’s better for you but please take care. I have been there but today I can help you, it’s a long dark road at times and some days it still is, even after 6 years. Cheers :tumbler_glass: S

I will look for you.

Susie has responded so well but I just wanted to tell you that I too lost my soul mate whilst we were living abroad and returned to an England that bore little resemblance to what I remembered. I can’t do anything to take your pain away…somehow we each just learn to absorb and accept it as time marches on…but no matter where or how we lose those we love I CAN tell you that they really are not in that faraway place…they live on inside our hearts, wherever we find ourselves, always and forever. We can’t reach out and touch them but we can still “feel” them. It is very early days for you but you will get through the days ahead…almost in spite of ourselves we continue to breathe and even to smile again on occasion.
Please don’t give up…we are who we are because we were blessed to have known such love and love never dies.
Take care x