How do I do this

Its 12 weeks since I lost my mum and I’m only just start into really grieve I feel. It was such a shock she died suddenly of a brain aneurysm with no.pripr symptoms ( or none that she let us know) she had been home 3 hours from her holiday when she collapsed in the driveway, my father was called out iv the back garden by passers by who found her…we were just over an hour away on our own holiday when I got a call from my neighbour to tell me she has fallen and hit her head ( as we thought). Three days later we turned off the machine, she passed 30 minutes later. We donated her kidneys but were told tissue samples showed early signs of dementia. My dad has kidney failure and has dialysis 3 times a week. They were married 54 years and she had become his carer. He cant cope, he doesnt remember his medication, he hates dialysis, he cant cook, shop, clean, wash his clothes, iron, manage money…basically mum did everything for him. Now I am trying to do this, j have a brother who also has an illness. He us if the opinion that dad needs fo get on with if and learn quickly, I am trying g to care for him, jvd also just moved house with my partner and have had to go ba k to work ( supply teaching) for financial reasons. Being so busy with dad I have not had the time, if that makes sense, to grieve. But when I have moments alone I really do feel her loss. I feel bad but in a way I am resenting dad and his unwillingness to do much for himself. I dont want to lose him but he has talked about ending his treatment. At the same time i cant go on like this as I am drained. Sorry for such a long self pitying post , I hope you can understand to some extent as I’ve not been able to say this to anyone.

Morning

Sorry to hear about your mum and what a difficult time for yourself, trying to grief for your mum but also worrying about your dad.

I understand what you mean, my mums partner…not my “real” dad but the closest I have got was/is the same. He is 20 years older than my mum and his health is not good, he has diabetes a fake hip he’s obese the list goes on lol…it’s been a little longer for me since my mum died but in the early days he was the same, always commenting it “should of been him” and how he may not take his tablets etc. It was frustrating because even though I know he is heart broken and has lost not only the love of his life but the only life he knows, there were times I wanted to grab him and scream that I am grieving too…there were times I couldn’t bear to go up the house to visit him cuz he would be wallowing in his own self pity that I would leave the house feeling 100 times worse yet at the same time you can’t say these feelings to anyone because it makes you look bad and heartless as he is the one grieving and has just lost his wife. Is that what you are trying to say ??

Is there anyone that can help care for your dad? Even though the suggestion would probably be frowned upon by your dad, can he get home help? My dad now has a career who comes once a week - she doesn’t do personal care or anything like that but cleans the house does the ironing etc and it takes the strain way. Also since my mum died he gets disability allowance and some other things through the council - he even had a man come round and make his sofa higher as it was hard for him to get on/off?! Is this something you could look in to for your dad??

It’s still early days -the only life your dad has ever known has been turned upside down and he will struggle to cope, it does get slightly easier when you learn how to adjust but the pain will never lessen. Try not to feel guilty about it, you want to be there and help your dad but you do have your own feelings and grief you need to deal with xxxx

Hi Kathy15

Your post is certainly not self pitying. You are expressing your emotions and I know how difficult that can be especially when writing. I’ve been told not to apologise and you shouldn’t either.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and the situation with your dad. No doubt his life has been completely demolished and you are doing your best to support him and yourself at the same time. You sound like a fantastic person and daughter. It does sound like you could do with some extra help and support to look after him while you devote some time to grieving. I hope in time that something can be sorted out and others can step in and give some support. Looks like you’ve had some good suggestions already.
I lost my mum 9 weeks ago and my dad is in a care home some distance away. He is married to another woman though and has a daughter, my half sister. He left my mum before I was born and we only found each other a year ago. He had since met my mum again and has deep regrets about not marrying her all that time ago. Now he is devastated and sends me messages each day saying how his life is worthless now and how he is going to end it all. It’s an emotional drain trying to support him and myself at the same time. His wife not surprisingly wants to distance herself from this. I’m trying hard not to feel resentful but it’s tough and complicated. So in some small way I can associate with some of your feelings.
If we here can help you get through this together then we will.
Shaun x

Hi kathy,

I’m so sorry to read about the sudden loss of your mum. I lost my mum from a sudden brain haemorrhage 20 weeks ago tomorrow. Again no idea why. It occurred 15 minutes after a routine operation and the hospital were as shocked as we were.
My dad passed away 21 years ago of a sudden heart attack so I cant really help give advice on the stuff going on with your dad. I just wanted you to know that you arent alone and there are plenty of us here that will listen and support you x

Hi Kathy15,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is difficult enough losing a parent then having to care for your father and brother… I can only imagine what you are going through.

I also have had to put my grief on hold to care for my son so I do understand what you are going through but you do need time to yourself, to grieve. If you don’t look after you… then you cant look after anyone else.

Keep coming on here… hopefully it will help as it has helped me. I lost my dearest Mum in May and still struggling to get through each day. Iv never been through this before and its not easy but you have to keep going.

Hope this helps.

Xx

Thank you for your replies. At the moment I do not think dad would accept any outside help so I have to keep going. Hes going to church on his own tomorrow he thinks, he always used to go with mum to the wednesday morning service, since shes passed either myself or my brother has been with him, so we will see if he does it. Its dialysis day tomorrow so his mood may be changeable, I’ll have an evening of washing and ironing!
I’m so tired but for the last few nights I’ve had dreams of mum and christmas adverts now are setting me off!
Again thanks for replying x

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I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my mother suddenly too within the last five weeks. It might be a good idea to speak to a local carers association, or carers uk. Your father could have a needs assessment. They will be able to offer help and support so that you don’t break yourself trying to do everything! They can provided X hours per week to help with the care of your father. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-assessments/

Hi Kathy,

Your post really hit home to me. I remember pleading to nobody in particular “How do I do this!?” when I was thrown into caring for my mum. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer just weeks after my dad died and my world was upside down and inside out over night.

You are clearly a caring person so my advice is to just do what you know is right because it will be right. I had the advice “Don’t look too far back or forward” when I was in the middle of caring for my mum who was bed bound very soon after her diagnosis and it was good advice. Just deal with one day at a time. It was my mum who asked me “can you get through today?” when I was feeling particularly hopeless. It was such good advice and even though she is gone, I still turn to her for advice as I know what she would say.

Take care of yourself. The little things count. Using this site, taking a bath saying no to things that you don’t want to do…that sort of thing. Just be kind to yourself. I am sure that is what your mum would want and I am sure she would be proud that you are doing your very best for your dad.

Love to you all
Ann xxx

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