How do I get through this

Hi,
I lost my sister in Dec 2018, she had only just turned 30 and she should never have died. Her doctors let her down and refused to follow the guidelines until it was too late. Forever telling her “you are too young to get cancer”.
I am not coping well at all I feel so cut off from everyone, I feel like I can not connect with others and if it were not for the fact my parent’s wife and children need me, I think I would have joined her.

I just don’t know what to do to get through this and as time goes by its getting worse. I find it so difficult to be around anyone now. The only reprieve is when I am at work but at the end of the day, it hits me like a truck.

I am a person of faith and I really thought God would save her but I feel just as disconnected from my faith as I do people.

I’m not sure why I came here or if it will help but I guess it can’t be any worse than before.

Hello SW501,
I am very sorry to hear about your sister, it must be even more painful when you feel that the medics could have saved her.
I do believe that cancer is such an evil disease that it attacks any age it is no respecter of age, my dad died from cancer of the stomach, he was 74 years old and people would say, so young. Thirty is so very young, still in the first bloom of youth.
I haven’t any wise words of comfort SW, I just hope that eventually you will find peace. One day at a time love, one day at a time.
Love
MaryL x

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Hello SW501, So sorry for your tragic loss. I also lost my sister a little over a year on. My sister was younger and had cancer too. We were told her condition was “treatable,” and we were never given any indication she would die. But a year after the diagnosis, and having her do well, die she did. It happened suddenly in a matter of hours of getting her to the hospital ( for what we thought was for “fluids.”) I held her little hand as she slipped away (coded) in front of me. I am still questioning exactly what happened, as we got conflicting stories. I am baffled at how your sister could be told she was “too young to get cancer?” Cancer knows no age, and anyone in the medical field is aware that even children get cancer. I understand your frustration over the precious time these so called professionals wasted.
Your feelings closely resemble my own. I have not been the same person since I lost her. I feel like half of me is missing. Like you, work is my distraction. Unlike you however, I am without family, except for one remaining sibling who is not supportive. She has a husband, whereas I am single and alone. My faith wavers as well. I ask God why he took her and not me. She was the better person, and touched so many lives in her work (as an RN) and in her personal life. Everyone who knew her, loved her. The world lost a shining star when she died.
Sorry to drone on, but I write my emotions much better than I can say them. You might want to visit the “Sibling Loss” category on the site. I suggested they create that forum, and there you will find so many, like ourselves , who lost a beloved sibling.
Please continue to post. I and others will listen, and support you through this time of horrendous loss. Take care.
Xxx, Sister2

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Hi @SW501 I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost your sister - she was so young and it is understandable that you feel let down by her doctors not taking her seriously. It sounds as though you are feeling very isolated in your grief, and I’m glad that you’ve been able to share things here and had some supportive replies.

I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve gone ahead and changed the category of this post to theLosing a Sibling category (which Sister2 has already mentioned), which should hopefully help it to be seen by others with similar experiences. However, if you’d prefer it to be in the Coping With Bereavement category, let me know, as I can always put it back.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel that you might have been likely to take your own life. It can be common to think about joining the person you have lost, and it doesn’t mean that you will act on those feelings, but it’s still important to have some support and somewhere to talk about them.

As well as posting on this site, the Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org). You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

If you ever feel you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

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Thank you, I understand how you feel, I am not great with talking about things either. I am really sorry your sister is not offering any support. I am trying to support my mother and father as best I can but its so hard because i feel so disconnected. I dont know if its worth much but I will be thinging of you as well
I feel like a shell of a person that was getting close to the end whcih is why I came here. I just dont know what to do to connect and feel ok again.
Sometimes I feel selfish for even thinking it as these feelings as awful as they are, are all I have left of my sister.

Hello SW501
Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is a horrible monster that like Sister2 said knows no age. My older brother passed away in July aged 29 due to cancer. I understand what you mean when you talk about being disconnected. My brother was the oldest of five siblings. Even saying “was” makes me pause and think “what’s the point now?” I find myself thinking that a lot now as like everyone has said it never seems to go away. My other siblings now look to be as “the oldest” and now having that responsibility breaks my heart. My brother was the go to person for everything. Advice, help, a laugh. A year before he passed away he had his first child, a little girl. She’ll be two soon and, like you’ve experienced Sister2 about your sister, there is very little support from my brothers partner. Despite living five minutes away I’ve only seen my niece twice since he left us. I, like many others, distract myself with work. Working twelve hour days, six days a week to avoid facing this new reality. I know deep inside I need to face this but I’m scared to. I wish I had your strength to rely on faith but I don’t think I can believe that there is a power out there that would make us go through the tragedies we have faced. I just hope that all of you find strength and peace to travel through this journey however it may suit you.

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It seems we all feel alone and looking for a way to feel better but nothing seems to work. I guess at least we know we are not alone and there are people here that understand how we feel. That is something, i guess.

Hello Clare610
I am an old lady (80), my younger brother passed away in November 2015, it was such a shock. We were very close, he used to stay with us often and we would sit up half the night, talking. I thought that the world had come to an end when he died, little did I know that worse was to come, my husband of 59 years died suddenly August 2019. I really understand how lost you feel without your brother, it is agony, I did not always agree with what he said, but we didn’t fall out because of our differences of opinion.
I am thinking of you,
Love MaryL x

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[quote=“MaryL, post:8, topic:22129, full:true”]
Hello Clare610
I am an old lady (80), my younger brother passed away in November 2015, it was such a shock. We were very close, he used to stay with us often and we would sit up half the night, talking. I thought that the world had come to an end when he died, little did I know that worse was to come, my husband of 59 years died suddenly August 2019. I really understand how lost you feel without your brother, it is agony, I did not always agree with what he said, but we didn’t fall out because of our differences of opinion.
I am thinking of you,
Love MaryL
[/quote

Have any of you tried counselling, i never really wanted to do it but im getting to the point where I cant take living like this anymore.

I have been to a counsellor and it helped to talk to somebody impartial. Friends and family aren’t always the best people to talk to and you can’t always say what you want for fear of upsetting them…
Be careful who you choose, most counsellors say they help with bereavement but I don’t think mine had any idea how I really felt and I found it difficult to put into words. There is a free counselling service on this site.
Hope this helps. Sadmr

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