How do I go on

I am 54 years old and have been With my husband from the age of 16 and married for 37 year. I have gave my life to Peter my husband he always came first.
Last year my husband had a On going chest infection Then went for a chest X-ray and drs found a shadow. After tests ct scans biopsy’s and pet scan they found a tumour between his first and second lobe. May last year Peter went into hospital to have the tumour remove but the opposition was classed as failed because they found other dark spots in his chest. Took Wedge biology’s Plural biology and bone biopsy. Cut a long storey short. It was cancer and with intense chemotherapy he had 18 months to two years to live. Peter became quite ill on the chemotherapy. So on the 5th September we were told That the chemotherapy was not working and he had anything From 3months to 1year. Peter passed on the 27th October. He died at home like I promised he would. He also asked me to finish the jobs he started when he found out he had cancer. The jobs are finished and I have bought the car he said he wanted me to have. With all this isolation I cry every night. I am a key worker and help feed the nation but I return to a empty house every night not being able to cuddle up to anyone or just not have silence in the house. I think about peter every minute of the day and sometimes I cry at a wim. I made a promise to myself that I broke and only broke because of my kids and grandkids.
I wanted to take my life the same time Peter passed so I would still be with him and the kids would only have one pain. But they were there the time Peter left us so I could not do it. But I often think about it. Not take my life but just pass away in my sleep and have Peter come get me and tell me it’s alright now.
I don’t take about Peter because I break my heart every time. I love him so much and feel like I just exist. People said in time it gets easier but as time goes on it gets harder. This is the first time I have ever spoke about this and I am crying as I type.

Hi Heather …as I read your post it very much mirrors my own …together at 16 married for 39 years …then my husband battled illness and finally I was told there was no more could be done …and we brought him home like he wanted with a prognosis of up to three weeks. …no words could ever sum up the devastation and heartache that leaves …I find each day brings so many different emotions …sometimes I smile when I remember those little quirky moments in our time together…but there are days when the tears just fall like a tap has been turned on …and I cant turn it off …people say it gets easier …mmm I’m not sure …but I do know that somehow life grows around grief …I hope that yours will some day …but it will be when you are ready …take care x

Hi Heather,
I am so sorry that you have lost your husband and you too Bab1, it is sheer agony, I know from experience.
Heather and Bab you have done the right thing in joining this forum and you are very welcome. It is a place where none of the members want to be, you will receive compassion and support from all of us.
We are all suffering the loss of a loved one, we do understand what you are going through, to me grief is the worse emotion of all.
Take care,
MaryL

Hi
My heart goes out to you. My darling husband died unexpectedly 4 months ago. My heart aches for him every minute of every day. He would have been 60 March 28 and retiring this summer. I don’t know what’s next we never made a plan b . I’m so lost x

Thank you. But even reading this brought me to tears. People say hang on to your memory’s . You know I would give up every single one of them to have him here with me. It has been 6 months and not getting any Easier.
I feel guilty because I gave him permission to die. I told him I would finish the jobs he started, have a plague made and he showed me where he wanted it put and to have pebble stones made out of his ashes and give them to his friends to place in There memorable . I have done everything he asked apart from my memorable place as it is in Greece. Now I have nothing more to do I am lost now.
I don’t know what to do. I have always looked after Peter and done everything with him… I love him so so much and miss him it hurts.
Thank you again for your reply.

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Hello Heather,
Please do not feel guilty for allowing your husband to be set free, you did it out of love and he obviously was ready to go. I am really sorry that you are suffering in this way, it is a horrible feeling, I have found that it gets harder to come to terms with, I hope and pray that you will be given some ease.
Take care,
Blessings,
MaryL :broken_heart:

Dear Heather. I agree with Mary please don’t feel guilty. I lay with my husband and also told him that it was time. He was suffering so much and I have no idea if he heard me. We also spent a lot of time in Greece. We was Ramblers and walked. Having been to one place in particular many times he asked me to take his ashes there and to scatter them at the top of the mountain we walked so often. Unfortunately I was told that this wasn’t possible. But on second thoughts it is something that I do not think I want to do anymore because to walk those paths as I did with him will be just a bit too much to cope with and not sure I am up to it anymore or it would be safe to go alone.
I too have been doing jobs that he wanted to do and as I do them for him I find myself asking him if it is to his liking. I can imagine him telling me that I haven’t got something straight. And one of his favourite wind up sayings was’ Well what do you expect your only a woman’ I then have a smile through my tears.
The love we shared doesn’t go, it remains and hurts like hell. It was precious and in time I hope it will become a blessing.
Take care xxx

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