How do I go on

I am 54 years old and have been With my husband from the age of 16 and married for 37 year. I have gave my life to Peter my husband he always came first.
Last year my husband had a On going chest infection Then went for a chest X-ray and drs found a shadow. After tests ct scans biopsy’s and pet scan they found a tumour between his first and second lobe. May last year Peter went into hospital to have the tumour remove but the opposition was classed as failed because they found other dark spots in his chest. Took Wedge biology’s Plural biology and bone biopsy. Cut a long storey short. It was cancer and with intense chemotherapy he had 18 months to two years to live. Peter became quite ill on the chemotherapy. So on the 5th September we were told That the chemotherapy was not working and he had anything From 3months to 1year. Peter passed on the 27th October. He died at home like I promised he would. He also asked me to finish the jobs he started when he found out he had cancer. The jobs are finished and I have bought the car he said he wanted me to have. With all this isolation I cry every night. I am a key worker and help feed the nation but I return to a empty house every night not being able to cuddle up to anyone or just not have silence in the house. I think about peter every minute of the day and sometimes I cry at a wim. I made a promise to myself that I broke and only broke because of my kids and grandkids.
I wanted to take my life the same time Peter passed so I would still be with him and the kids would only have one pain. But they were there the time Peter left us so I could not do it. But I often think about it. Not take my life but just pass away in my sleep and have Peter come get me and tell me it’s alright now.
I don’t take about Peter because I break my heart every time. I love him so much and feel like I just exist. People said in time it gets easier but as time goes on it gets harder. This is the first time I have ever spoke about this and I am crying as I type.

Hi Heather …as I read your post it very much mirrors my own …together at 16 married for 39 years …then my husband battled illness and finally I was told there was no more could be done …and we brought him home like he wanted with a prognosis of up to three weeks. …no words could ever sum up the devastation and heartache that leaves …I find each day brings so many different emotions …sometimes I smile when I remember those little quirky moments in our time together…but there are days when the tears just fall like a tap has been turned on …and I cant turn it off …people say it gets easier …mmm I’m not sure …but I do know that somehow life grows around grief …I hope that yours will some day …but it will be when you are ready …take care x

Hi Heather,
I am so sorry that you have lost your husband and you too Bab1, it is sheer agony, I know from experience.
Heather and Bab you have done the right thing in joining this forum and you are very welcome. It is a place where none of the members want to be, you will receive compassion and support from all of us.
We are all suffering the loss of a loved one, we do understand what you are going through, to me grief is the worse emotion of all.
Take care,
MaryL