How do I move on 3 years later

Looking to the future
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My grandad died 3 years ago. He was my best friend and I spent all my free time with him. I found him dead in bed at home one morning and Iv never been able to get over it. I find it hard to open up and talk especially as I had to be strong for my family and be there for them. 3 years on its massively affected me and I really can’t get over it. I keep reliving that morning daily and it’s starting to make me angry and lash out mostly at my partner. Can anyone help me with any advice on how to move on from this and get back to the old me

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Hi Grimberts,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your grandad and and how it has affected you. It sounds as though it is really having an impact on your life and your relationships.

Not being able to open up and talk about grief is one factor that certainly tends to make it worse and prolong it. However, it’s not too late to reach out and get some support. I’m glad that you’ve been able to take the step of writing things down here.

I hope it helps to have this outlet for your feelings. We have many supportive users here who understand grief and the ways that it can affect people. For example, you may be interested to read and reply to this recent post from Northy, who lost her Nanna recently: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/confused

We also have this post from last month, where Amb101 talks about losing her Nan three years ago: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/nannie-its-been-3-years

You may also want to consider some counselling or other bereavement support - you could ask your GP to refer you to support services in your local area, or contact an organisation like Cruse Bereavement (0808 808 1677 or helpline@cruse.org.uk).

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Hi Grimbert,

I lost my Dad over a month ago and already I’m asking the question “how long is this supposed to last?” and “when will i stop feeling so sad?” or “will it get easier?”…

I was told by my therapist that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there’s no time limit and we grieve in our own personal way (we can find comfort with other people going through similar situations but we can’t compare it to how it affects other people nor is it a “competition”) - but what is important is TO grieve. to not deny it or hide from it or push it away. as painful as it is, we HAVE to go through it in whatever way and however long it is…if we don’t grieve properly then it will only build up and rear its ugly head at a later point in our lives.

for you to have been so close to your Grandad and to have found him must’ve been very traumatic and it will leave a huge imprint on your mind and in your heart. ACCEPT this, embrace this and even try to be grateful that you have had that special bond with him. i know it is very painful to be the one who found him, but you must’ve been “chosen” to be the one as you may have been the strongest and closest to him. it may seem like a curse…but it may also be a blessing…

I feel this way as my sister was there when my Dad passes, while I was 11,000 miles away in the UK. I strongly believed that she was much stronger than me and perhaps she was the one who needed to be there for her own personal growth and for the kind of bond she had with him.

it is especially hard to put up a strong front and be the source of strength for others when you are yourself suffering. it is very draining and you could feel lonely and the one in need of support some times…

but you are NOT alone and i hope you can and will find support from this group and perhaps from your own friends or other members of the family - the things, is there WILL be someone out there who you can draw some strength from.

and believe it or not, if you are strong enough for someone else, you are actually strong enough for yourself - you just can’t see/feel that right now.

i’m gonna say some cliche things now, but i hope you might try to consider some of these suggestions:

  1. don’t be too hard on yourself - have a look at this link www.self-compassion.org

  2. look after yourself, your body and your mind by eating better diet, quit unhealthy habits, do some form of light exercise and make a list of things to look forward to

  3. practice gratitude - before you go to sleep, list 1 to 3 things that made you smile that day and say thanks. or look around you and see what good things you actually DO have, a roof over your head, a job, people who you love and loves you, food to eat, places to go, good health etc etc

  4. practice mindfulness meditation - google it, there’s plenty of information and classes available. i recommend you do it with a group or guided by a teacher before doing it on your own

  5. hang in there

i wish you all the best and please keep posting your thoughts on here, it helps

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Thank you so much for your kind words sharing my thoughts on here has really helped. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and have somewhere to turn to.

1 Like
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Thank you so much for your reply. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and have somewhere to turn of I need to