Dear Rambo,
What you say so resonates with me.
It is 7 months since my husband was killed by COVID, caught in hospital where he went for something else. He was fit and strong but mistakes were made and he was neglected. I feel angry and resentful.
Lock down is almost a friend because I can’t bear to be with couples and I feel ashamed and guilty about that. When people grumble about having to stay in with their husbands and wives, I want to scream at them to be grateful.
The first Lock down was such a happy time for us. We had been looking at retirement developments but all were too small and without private gardens so we rejoiced in the fact that we hadn’t moved and had the freedom of our lovely home and very large area of land. We loved being in our own isolated world. The only thing we missed was dancing.
I can be glad that we knew we were happy and now want to let go of the anger I feel against all those moaners blessed with living spouses.
Goodnight, God bless, everyone.
I really did type Tambo. You know what it’s like with these “too clever by half” devices.
funnily enough my hubby used to love Rocky films ( i didnt but i learnt to appreciate them !!
)
well just to hopefully make you all smile
i realised that not only am i now a new widow , i am also now the “ village idiot … … due to my new habit of walking in appalling weather and talking to the sky to ask my hubby for signs hes watching me …!
while my neighbours do the “ awkward “ avoidance “havent seen me look … … but we both know they have “…
my friend asked me to meet her outside for a half hour walk with our masks on later during her work lunch hour but I don’t see the point as she will just try to cheer me up like she did last time I saw her for a cold walk on boxing day.
My mum is still sleeping in my bed (no other room for her to sleep as my house is open plan and she has cat allergy if sleeping near them). I woke up shaking and crying earlier, rubbing my wedding ring to try snd calm down before she hears me as if she does she hugs me talks to me, tucks me in and I cant think.
My stepdad comes every lunch and teatime for a meal and that keeps me eating but I have to watch the news which panics me even more like mental torture. René and I used to talk about the news a lot and so much more happened in recent months but I cant hear his opinion and I cant imagine what funny comments he would have made to make it less depressing.
People are trying to help me I know that and I know many will be thinking what an ungrateful cow i am when they are alone. When these people die and I’m left mourning them too I know I will too but I just feel so angry now.
I have to pretend I’m OK most of the time as otherwise I get comforted until I’m exhausted when I cant be comforted for this.
René had made me one if those floating shelves i wanted in the kitchen. I put a very heavy pan on it and it drooped, he went to bnq fixed it without telling me off and laughing and then said OK this shelf will hold the pan now. My mum put the pan on it and loads and loads of Christmas biscuits she had been given and it broke. She moved my toaster as didnt like where it was and her stuff is everywhere so its not like mine and Renés house. She rearranged a lot, my cats all got sick. maybe coz of all the chemicals she keeps using or food she gives them.
But of course I love her absolutely and know I am so lucky when people on here don’t have a mum. She cleans, cooks and looks after me, working so hard to try and help me.
I am so angry I could scream so loud, a death curdling scream is trapped inside for month and sometimes I silently scream in the bathroom.
I’m 40 years old. I used to have a husband who I admired and he admired me. We helped each other like one synchronised organism and I was happy a lot. He took care of fixing, driving, cooking and I was cleaning, gardening and making our home more homely. We both had a clear place and I love him and I loved my life. I used to have a job responsible for millions of euros. I used to know what I was doing all around my life but now I am so lost.
Somedays I think I’ll survive (the time when I’m pretending to everyone) but when the cracks come back i know its not possible.
Its snowing again, my husband and I would have been so cosy at home together, he loved the snow. Now I hate it, like everything he can no longer enjoy. I just can’t.
@FleurDeLis you have articulated a lot of my emotions in the post above. Karen and I were a team, a combination that made us a whole, I knew I was lucky to be with her, life is now so empty of joy and happiness.
This is not how our partners would want us to live, the empty day to day existence, the pretence to family members that everything is okay. I don’t know what the answer is but I hope the sun will shine again for all the grief stricken, lonely people that repeatedly log in here
this is almost identical to our life together and i honestly think now you get sent one perfect person who is the jigsaw piece that only fits with you ever , my husband was exactly the same and spent his life thinking of ways to help me in everyway and he was the only one who totally got me with our many years of “ in jokes “ that he knew WE wd find funny , and he knew what i wd think and say in any situation ( we wd often say the same thing at the same time ) and i feel exactly the same in this horrible world we are left in now … with the enormous lonely hole left shaped like our partners that no one can ever fill … my mum also stayed in my bed ( im in my 50s) and she held my hand and stroked my hair all night last night while i cried so much i cdnt breath and she cried too because she cant help me get through this which is heartbreaking to watch too … i feel
the same and i feel horrible and bitter when i read and hear about peoples lives in lockdown etc who can snuggle and ho for walks and do all the everyday couple things that they dont even think about and take for granted … i cant even put the TV on yet because i still have lots of films i had recorded for us to watch together over new year etc … i had a horrible experience yesterday morn when a vile woman from the coroner’s office called and said … can i speak to the widow of … because your husband had so many health issues we cant fit it into one box to fill in … for the death certificate …”… i almost passed out with misery … and just sat holding the phone trembling …
thank you both so much for replying. knowing you are both out there right now feeling the same helps.
My friend who suggested to meet later has many annoying “comforts” she gives me and one is that she had a vision I’ll meet someone else in five years!! What i cannot make her or anyone who didn’t lose their soulmate understand is that the shared experience can never be replaced. Like you say Tambo the in-jokes that will never work again and are all lost now, the special language we made together and the feeling Richard mentioned of us making a whole together.
Some people live with a partner but have quite separate lives but for those of us who were “all in” and spent time together as best friends in deep love how can we ever not feel this pain.
Tambo your loss is so recent. It made me feel a lot better that your mum is also with you, thank you for telling me, I feel like a grown child and don’t know how to get back to anything like the life my husbandand I built. I know there is no getting back but my husband would not be proud to see me like this.
thank you again, I’ve calmed now, the curtains have opened. I hope you both have some good hours as possible.
That woman at the coroner sounds horrible. What a thing to say. Considering their job I also found them not compassionate but your experience sounds terrible. I hope for a better day for you today.
So so true Christine so much easier said than done but asking as we are trying thats all we can do… sorry for your loss also hun xx
Hi Tambo
I do know this feeling well so so sorry you lost ur hubby especially on new years eve that is never going to be easy especially for you people will never understand our grief unless they to lost someone to covid or within covid restrictions because it strips u of any thing normal that we would do in times of grief. We are now more cyber people than ever making new friends is easier now as we all are having this pain in common. I get the feeling alone too I have a fantastic close family and friends but I also feel alone as grief is a lonely place as its our grief and no-one can do it for us. However I am also finding I am isolating myself more so not even when restrictions are i place I feel I need to be alone more as im struggling to tolerate anyone even kind people I just get frustrated and need to leave etc I was never like this before… I also feel so sad and upset that my happiness that I was lucky to have alboet for just over 1yr wasnt enough for my life time I want my hubby back to make more happy memories but I now having to make do with just all my fantastic memories my hubby made for me to keep and life off 9f for the rest of my life no matter what happens no one can ever come close to my darling hubby and I dont want to them to as he was the best he was everything you could want all rolled into one he was a man that made me complete and we was inseparable pour love was so magical people was jealous of how happy and in love we was and still are… we just have to be strong dig deep an hang on for our journey isn’t finished on earth yet and I for one am looking forward to when I can be with hubby again but till then im just peddling water and holding on to my memories xxx
Dear Sheila 26,
Thanks for your reply to me. I am also getting calls from people who think I should be getting over the loss of my darling husband by now having passed on October 29th 2020. It is only people who are in our situation who truly understand. The holiday advertisements on TV at the moment are really upsetting to me as I cant think I will ever holiday again. All of my friends are married. People say I will have a new life not looking forward to that without Rod.
Knowing that I am not the only person in the world feeling like this does give comfort that perhaps I am not going completely mad. Love Rosie
Dear Rosie
Thank you. Yes I have noticed the holiday advertisements and it brings enormous pain and a reminder of lost dreams and hopes. I have a small number of very good friends who are prepared to listen and give support.
I don’t recognise the person in the mirror nowadays. Cannot find the energy or purpose in eating, its just a mechanical process, I don’t like myself most days as I see couples out on their daily exercise and know that when the pandemic is over they will be able to revisit their plans and I cannot. Me and Ian spent the first lockdown making our own plans - holidays and adventures with our new grandson but these are no longer possible. Like yourself people tell me to create new adventures but I have lost all confidence - Ian and I had worked so hard to get to this new chapter to have it taken away.
I write messages to Ian every day. Some angry that he left me but mostly telling him how much I love him and desperately need him.
Most days it takes every effort to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. Others on this site know what it is to loose your soulmate and I am hopeful that this gets me through because otherwise not sure how I am going to manage without Ian.
Lost my husband sister and brother each 9 days apart. My husband 4weeks ago today about this time. Was with him at home. I feel like u when people say everyone has suffered due to Covid this year. Yes missing McDonald’s or favourite coffeehouse! I want to cry out look I have lost three of my closest family all in 18 days!! I have been very upset tonight reliving 4 weeks ago. Of course its not other people’s fault that I am suffering but only those on here
Really understand the pure depth of our feelings. Married 58yrs now empty house. Worst time evening sitting alone watching telly. No one to enjoy it with. I try to keep busy
I am lucky I have two lovely daughters both nurses and four smashing grandchildren.
I am in a better position than some. Take care everyone. We are all in this together. Xx
i just wanted to say how heartbreakingly moving all these posts are but , hopefully in a way we have now found a place to meet and discuss our loss together to be comforting like a hug whenever we all need it , away from the outside world , that we wdnt have known about before this happened to us … X
just needed a friendly voice on here … just went for a walk in a park i used to love with my husband … and it was just awful … ( thought it wd cheer me up ) but it was full of perfect families laughing and holding hands … and i dont think i can or want to get through this … its just hurts beyond any pain i have EVER felt and i feel SO alone without my soul mate by my side … i cant bear these long days and nights and i dont know what to do
Hi I also lost my husband . I lost him on New Years Day and I absolutely understand your pain. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone. My husband battled coronavirus for 6 long weeks we had ups and downs along the way but all the time he was in hospital I was holding on to some hope and prayer that he would come home . Unfortunately we received the news New Years Eve that they had made the decision to stop his breathing support. I was absolutely devastated and we were able to be with him on New Years Day when he took his last breath. I cannot see how I will ever ever move forward from this he was my absolute world and we were so happy together . We do have two beautiful children who are supporting me the best they can but being only 18 and 20 I also know I need to try and stay strong for them both. I try to get through the day telling myself that Simon would be telling me to do things like take our dog for a walk so you did the right thing by going to the park even though it might not feel like it right now it definitely is a positive step to take. I am not going to tell you it will get better as time goes by because I also don’t believe that to be true all I can say again to you is try your best to do what your hubby would be proud to see you do each day small steps at a time and if it doesn’t work the first few times of trying that’s fine you can try again and again until you find it is bearable. Here if you ever need a chat xx
So bloody hard my husband died December 5th from Covid I go to cemetery every day and today people were saying good morning all I wanted to do was scream and say it not good at all xx
aww thank you SO SO much … this helps so much we can put our email addresses / numbers and maybe actually chat at some point if that helps or works for anybody , because tbh this is the only thing that is getting me through at the moment
I would chat to any off you we all need to help each other xx
I totally understand how you feel. I lost my partner last June very suddenly to pancreatic cancer that we didn’t even know he had .
The loneliness is the hardest thing. No one to talk to & with lockdown cannot meet up with anyone
My daughter does her best but she has her family to look after so even though I’m in a support bubble with her I don’t want to keep going to her
We talk or message every day but it’s not like when there is someone at home to talk to
I can go days without seeing anyone
All any of us can do is take it one day at a time
Anything to help each other we all know the pain we are all feeling xx