HOW DO WE KNOW.

It’s often said that when folk look at us they may see a smiling person and imagine that all is well in our life. We tend to put on masks according to the situation. Jung talked of the ‘persona’. The masks we use to cover our true feelings, but who actually sees us behind the mask?
In Greek tragedy there may only be one actor, but that actor comes on stage with a different mask to portray the character he is acting. We do that don’t we.
We don’t do it on purpose. It’s how us humans react to situations.
The point I wish to make is that we just don’t know what is going on in the mind of another, so should not judge. We all have secrets that we may not have even shared with our nearest.
But seeing someone behave badly does not make them a bad person, but someone who may be lost and is lashing out at all around them. Friends can be cruel or kind. But how many of us have come across someone who is deliberately hurtful? I haven’t. They mean well but their sympathy is often misplaced but done out of kindness.

“How many times should I forgive Lord, seven times”? “No, seventy times seven”.

Forgiveness comes from the heart not the head. It’s ether all or nothing. If we break man’s laws then we must accept punishment. But, “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s and to God that which is Gods’.”
Tolerance is so often difficult. Some go on and on and you may feel like screaming inside. But everyone has a tale to tell, an experience that may help someone. Who knows.

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Hello Jonathan. What you have said is brilliant, sensitive, true, respectful and food for thought. I am not going to spoil the thread.
Thank you for sharing. Irene

Hi Jonathan Lovely words I have lost my faith. I have always been a believer in something beyond this world but when my husband died it left me or maybe I abandoned it. What happened was so very very cruel in that when he was taken I’ll I was very seriously ill also and because I was so sick I could not say all the things I should have couldn’t comfort him. It was all like a dream. I hate myself for not saying those things when he was in hospital bed with me beside him in a wheel chair. They took him away to operate and he never woke up. I had to sit and watch him die knowing I had not saidI love you and all the other things and my faith deserted me and I don’t know if I can ever get it back . If only I could have said those words why didn’t I? Perhaps shock or the drugs I don’t know. Sorry for the rant x

Whilst my wife was receiving treatment at The Christie we picked up a badge for use on public transport, ‘Cancer on board’. Perhaps those who grieve need something similar to let others know what’s going on inside. But I guess many would feel uncomfortable and few would know how to respond. We live in a culture which is broken where grief and bereavement is concerned.

My dear Bethany, please may I leave this thought with you:

 When you are weighed down by fear,  doubt,  grief and worry,  you may need to sit 
 Quietly and simply ask God to restore your weary soul and speak to your heart with
 His gentle whisper.

I have/am going along this well travelled road, one turning called grief, another turning called fear, another turning called anxiety until we reach a crossroad and we panic which way do I go, for me that is when I hear His gentle whisper.

Stay strong Bethany, sending you much love and hugs xx

What you have said has summed me up totally. I’m struggling with faith, feeling frightened anxious and so very alone. The tears have dried up at the moment and my head feels like it’s going to explode. My mood is very low and I feel like I need a kick up the backside to stop wallowing. I lost my partner on the 18th May 2019.Really early days I know I’m back to work where the concentration is zilch and I hate listening to normal conversations as I want to be in my bubble. My boss is supportive thank goodness but I feel helpless. I also dread horrible post coming through my door. Sorry to reveal all my worries on here but need to share. I spread love to all on here and hood we can all get some light relief from our sadness xx

My dear Heartbreak, just sit quietly and weigh up what your mind and body have gone through, not since May but if your partner was poorly before he passed away that alone takes its toll. You may have grieved while you cared for him.
You certainly do not need ‘a kick up the backside to stop wallowing’ so put that thought completely out of your head.
I am both fortunate and of an age where I dont have to go to work, for some people that is a blessing for others not so, thankfully you have a supportive boss, if your colleagues have never experienced an unbearable loss, they will not be able to comprehend what you are going through, they may be careful so as not to upset you, some believe that after a funeral you should be getting on with your life. We know that isnt so.
I relate to the post, again I handed everything over to my son who dealt with ‘stuff’ I didnt understand. He has talked me through online banking, never did I think I would do that, his patience has paid off. Procrastination I suffer with dreadfully, I have put off ringing the decorators for 4 months, hair appointments, etc.,
This forum is to help you through your anxieties, whether you have recently been bereaved or years ago, this forum has got the empathy of wonderful caring people to help you.
I have noticed, where people, especially in the very early days of bereavement have shared their concerns and anxieties maybe half a dozen times a day, that has helped them and the readers enormously but as time has gone on their messages have got less infrequent, which hopefully means their anxieties are less.
I know ‘me’ I slept when I wanted to, I didnt go out for days, that’s what I wanted to do. I watched films (my escapism ) I havent watched any news for 7 months, that’s depressing anyway, just picked up headlines on my tablet. I ate lots of healthy meals mostly salads, did not get involved with any groups (like well meaning people said I should) found I couldnt go into large supermarkets, so shopped locally then one morning suddenly I realised I wanted to go for a walk, just round the block, no I walked for 3 miles and it was lovely, people said hello, they smiled, I then realised I was healing, I still have a long way to go. I need my bedroom light on through the night, hate the darkness now, have radio 4 or classic FM on through the night.
I do make time during the day to have Dave time, I talk to him, may talk about regrets, play our special song. I have found that really has helped.
Keep strong , your faith will return He knows your situation.
Many blessings. Irene xx

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Dear Irene,
Thankyou so much for replying. I re read my post and thought oh my goodness I did not realise how low I felt that day. As you are well aware one day can be so different to another. I am trying to change my attitude and renew my faith but it is hard. I do miss my partner desparetely and I have cried my heart out. I have not really felt I have had time to grieve properly just so much else to sort out. I have reached out to general support groups and family which has helped to a certain degree. I do still think it’s very early days and things will not always be this difficult. I also have a son to think about who is also struggling he is only 20 and witnessed far to much with his dad’s passing. I feel so much for him too. I only hope things will improve as time goes on. I can only do my best to cope with the hand I have been dealt with. I think I need to put some time aside to deal with my grief. It means such a lot that you took the time to reply to me and I hope things also get easier for you.
Kind wishes to you
Heartbreak

There is so much in this world that we don’t know the why’s and wherefores of. So much! I think trying to fathom it out takes a lot of energy and emotion. We can whip ourselves all day about what we ‘might’ have done. At the time whatever we did seemed right. When I look back I know I had so many regrets. Could I have done better? Could I have made her more comfortable? But the past is gone.
I have managed to forgive myself because they were trying times which don’t always bring out the best in us. But I know for sure my wife has forgiven me because that’s what she would do.

Ah yes Peace45. You are right. ‘The gentle whisper’. It’s in the silence that my faith returns. Then, when the world impinges I ask again ‘why’? Orthodox religion does not provide me with answers. But I look within myself and find the love that is still there and will never diminish. That love we have for our loved ones can extend to everyone if we allow it.
“Love one another as I have loved you”.
It’s that kind of love I mean. Unconditional, no strings attached. It stands on its own. Nothing can harm it or diminish it or make it any the less. I think we should all be grateful if we have felt such love once in our lives. Blessings.

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