How have I come this far?

Looking to the future
#1

Today it will be 2 years and 1 day since losing the most wonderful man in the world. I cannot believe it. It seems almost like yesterday when we were chatting and laughing together. How have I come this far? Well I’ll tell you; with the love of my husband which I carry with me always, with the help of family and friends and all of you on this forum. From the bottom of my heart - thank you.

When I went down for breakfast yesterday morning, there on the table was a gift from my son. It was a beautiful printed album full of photographs of my husband. It took my breath away, I actually gasped. I think it’s one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received and completely unexpected. This from our wonderful son, who we made together.

I continue to travel my journey of grief and I know it can only end when I am reunited with my husband. In the meantime I shall try to live my life in the way he would have wanted, in a way to make him proud of me. Life is for living and I am determined to this in the best way I can. It’s not the hand I wished for but it’s the hand I’ve been dealt so I have to make the most of it. Listen to me! Don’t I sound positive this morning? Oh I won’t deny I have my dark moments, of course I do, but I learnt that’s ok. I know I will miss my husband always and that his absence will hurt always. But to have had him in my life, I wouldn’t change that for the world. I would do it all over again. The only thing I would change is that I would have met him sooner so we could have had longer together. Nothing can change the fact though that the most wonderful man in the world was mine - and still is…

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#2

Dearest Kate, you are my lighted candle in the window of a world that can sometimes be dark and scary. I’ll keep on following you along this pathway of life, a few months behind you, but with the same values, thank you x

#3

Bless you Rainbow. You’re one of my special people mentioned xx

#4

Kate, when I read your posts, it reassures me that I am on the right path of my journey. Like you I know my final destination and that whilst I travel, my lovely husband walks with me. I found the site difficult in the early days, only returning in the weeks leading up to the 1st anniversary. What made be engage this time was your posts, both reassuring and honest. As you know I was going to leave the group, but again, it’s due to you and others encouraging me to remain that I’m still here, still posting and replying. I think I have realised we may always have things to share, reassurance to seek as we go along. One thing is sure, there are beautiful people out there ready to help. You will be in my thoughts today Kate.

#5

What a beautiful, enlightening post Kate. Thank you. I am sure you gave many of us more hope today. 2 Years is such a short time compared to the lifetime you and your beloved husband shared. Your son is a testament to that love. What a sensitive and caring son he is, you must be so proud. My thoughts are with you today. May you be comforted by the precious memories as you look through those photographs, and connect with your wonderful husband. Take care. Xxxx Sister2

#6

I’m glad you didn’t leave the site Sandra, you too have given so much. Thank you for your kind words. Much love xx

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#7

Thank you Sister2 for your lovely comments. Xx

#8

Dear Kate
I am so glad that your second anniversary held such a beautiful gesture from your son…evidence that his dad’s love lives on and something so precious to keep. It’s strange how time has somehow contracted …and yet can also sometimes seem endless…since each of us started on this path! No matter how long we walk it, love walks with us and this site is just one facet of it.
Thank you for sharing ; thank you,everyone, for caring. X

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#9

Another beautiful post Amelie’sgran, thank you xx

#10

You’re an amazing and beautiful lady. Kate and between your hubby and you, you have passed those attributes to your boy. I’ve only just seen this post and it’s really made me smile.

Always I will remember the first post I wrote on this forum was responded to by you. You spoke to me so sincerely, so honestly and, you gave me hope. You still do those things. I am, and always will be, eternally grateful. I will never forget the night I joined this forum and I will never forget your response. Thank you xx

#11

What a lovely, lovely thing to say CW. Thank you. xx

#12

What a beautiful way of putting how you are working through your journey of grief. I lost my lovely husband Peter only 5 weeks ago suddenly. We had so many plans for when we retired, but this was not to be so. You have given me encouragement to carry on until l too end this sad journey only when l am reunited with the love of my life. Thank you so much. Take care, Sandra x

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#13

Dear Sandra, I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband too passed away very suddenly. No illness, no symptoms and no prior warning. He had been retired just 2 months with so many plans and projects. Life seems so unfair, doesn’t it? My husband had so looked forward to retirement and for a long time after his death I kept thinking that he was sad wherever he was. It was a terrible feeling which I just couldn’t shift. However, after reading many books and feeling his love surround me I gradually moved away from that thought. I’m pleased you got something from my post. You can carry on Sandra because you have to, you have no choice. But know this, you will do it because your wonderful husband will be with you every step of the way.

When I look back to the early days of my grief, it’s only now that I realise I was so close to the edge, I was manic - busy busy busy, all the time. I don’t recognise that person now, I didn’t know who she was then. I felt different. I used to look in the mirror and study my face. It looked like me except there was a profound sadness in the face staring back at me. The smile was gone, the sparkle was gone. Today the sadness remains but my smile has returned. The sparkle? Well that’s a different matter, maybe a little but perhaps it can never return fully without my man. Having said that, my love for him continues to grow in a way I find difficult to explain. It actually oozes from me and I want to shout it from the rooftop. I want to be out in the open, maybe on a mountain somewhere and yell at the top of voice “I LOVE DAVID”. I want the world to hear. Am I barmy? A little perhaps. What I’m trying to say is that I could never have got this far without the love of my husband surrounding me. I miss him, oh God how I miss him. But he is with me, I carry him around on my shoulder. He never goes to the back of my mind, he’s always to the fore.

A friend told me to watch the video ‘Truly, madly, deeply’. Unfortunately I couldn’t buy it because it had gone out of production so never thought anymore about it. However, some months later, there was a CD/DVD sale at work and the first DVD my eyes were drawn to was, yes you’ve guessed it, ‘Truly, madly, deeply’. It was meant to be. If you can get a copy I urge you to watch it, maybe not now but sometime in the future.

Sending you love, strength and understanding. Xx

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#14

Truly Madly Deeply is on You Tube, select the one with the long running time, nearly 2 hours.

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#15

Have you watched it? X

#16

It’s where I got the phrase " I carry him around on my shoulder" because I kinda do. It’s a perfect description…x

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#17

A long time ago, but will watch it again over the weekend x

#18

Sorry folks, it’s only the trailer that you see for free, it’s pay to view for full film. eBay next call x

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#19

One of my fav films, havent watched it in such a long time though. Its now on my to do list, lol.

#20

It’s on ebay, very cheap, but check it’s region 2 so it will play on your DVD players. I got copy, as new, for £2.79 with free postage.

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