How I feel

Losing a partner
1

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here, I read what people are saying every day, but seem to lack the energy to reply – sorry about that.
Anyway, June passed 12 months ago tomorrow. Officially she died on the 17th, but I found her unconscious on the 12th. We’d been together 48 years, married 45 – childhood sweethearts.

I can’t believe it’s 12 months. It feels longer and shorter. Like for everyone else, Covid has virtually eliminated contact with people, and I think I prefer that. Our friends started a weekly Zoom meeting when all this kicked off, and after June went, they were great, but recently they’re focused on holidays and meeting up and returning to normal socialising and I don’t want to.

I have cancelled my acceptance to the wedding of a good friend’s son in Sept as I don’t know how I’d be without June there. I’ve also told them I won’t be attending the next meal out that’s arranged (whenever that’ll be). No-one tried to talk me out of either decision.

There have been one or two thoughtless comments – “oh, you really did love her” – no, I Love here, present not past tense, and “you deserve to be happy again” – really, how do I accomplish that? And of course, “you seem to be doing ok, glad you’re getting over it” – I’m not doing well and not getting over “it” (and don’t want too either). I bite my tongue and say nothing, telling myself they mean well and don’t know what to say. (I’m the first in our long-established group to loose someone). Although I do wonder if it’s because they think I should be able to get back to how I was and stop making them feel they have to be sad for me – sorry, must try to be the better person.

Two months ago I had treatment for cancer, but when it was offered I had to think seriously about accepting it. The only reason I dtook it is my 40-year-old daughter, it would hurt too much if she lost her dad so soon after her mum. I must admit, when I was told I had it, I did think that it wouldn’t be too long until I was with June again.

So, I’m still here. The big thing is that in the last couple of weeks I’ve managed to think about (and talk to), June without breaking down in tears. I do have to draw breath, but at least the sobbing seems less. The hurt is the same, and I still cry every day.

I apologise if all this reads like a ‘poor-me’ rant, it’s not meant to be, it’s just how I’m feeling on her anniversary – they used to be occasions for celebration, not any more.

Take care all, Dave

16 Likes
2

@dave170520
My heart goes out to you. In no way does it sound like a rant. You are suffering and need to be able to share your feelings with others that understand your pain.
That’s the strangest thing about this site. We all find solace in sharing our deepest and most personal feelings with strangers , but the comfort we all take is because we all understand and empathise.
Take care x

4 Likes
3

It’s not a rant at all Dave. So many days are hard days but some are even harder. It seems now that instead of a calendar of dates to look forward to, we have calendars of dates that we dread coming. How life has completely flipped! Me and my husband were childhood sweethearts too but he was only 50 when he collapsed and died (I am still waiting for the report to say why). I can’t begin to contemplate years, let alone decades without him. I also can’t contemplate every day being so long and hard to get through. Like you, my only thoughts are for my children. Decisions for me and me alone would be different. My thoughts are with you

5 Likes
4

Hi
Sorry for your loss. Lost my husband 14 months ago still cry every day. I get included with my family on going places but it’s not the same I feel I’m a burden and they have to invite me. Lonely even amongst people.
To night I sobbed like a baby my son moved into his new home his been gradually moving out for a month doing his home up. What really hurt was on Facebook his girlfriend video them having a drink and watching the football with her mom and dad there did I get an invite no. Am I been to emotional over this.

3 Likes
5

No I don’t think you’re being too emotional. There may have been an innocent reason why they were there but that’s the trouble with social media - once it’s posted there, people can see and it can hurt. I think unless you’ve been in our position you just don’t have an understanding of how so many ‘little’ things can hurt. Sending hugs

2 Likes
6

Dear @dave170520,
As the others have said, you’re definitely not having a rant - it’s simply you speaking the words in your heart. I felt compelled to write this post because I so empathise with your comments and your reactions.

I’m just over 4 weeks from my wife’s first anniversary, and like you, I can’t quite believe it - such a long time and yet so short. I never thought I’d survive the first week without her.

And as for the thoughtless comments, I can only say “yes, I’ve heard that too” to every one you mentioned. I also talk about my wife in the present tense. She’s still my wife, I’m still her husband, and so it’ll be till the end of time. I still refer to “our” and “we”, not “mine” and “I” and will continue to do so because it feels right. My parents are still going fairly strong at 97 years old, and my father said to me on the 'phone tonight: “You can’t live in the past, no point in thinking about someone who’s not coming back”. Like you, I bit my tongue, though my brain was thinking how on earth do I do that with someone I knew and loved for the last 31 years? Our lives have changed as a result of losing our loved ones, but that doesn’t mean we should try and forget about them. It’s just not possible. In fact, on the contrary, I’m terrified that I might start to forget things about my wife and our relationship.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis, words are simply inadequate. If only your June was with you it would be much more bearable with her support. I can totally understand your reason for accepting treatment too. My wife and I don’t have any children, I’m on my own (parents and brother and his family are 150 miles away), so I don’t feel that I have any responsibility to anyone to carry on unnecessarily. I have never had a serious illness or broken bone in my 64 years, I’m quite healthy and reasonably fit really, but I live each day now in the hope that my time comes sooner than later to join my wife.

All my very best wishes to you.
Alston

5 Likes
7

Thankyou so much for your kind comments, it means a lot to me that someone understands and I’m not mad. I am still married to june and I love her today like I alwys have - she’s not gone, but in a different place where I will join her. At times like this, we see the kindness of strangers. Like you, I just want to be with my June and I do try not to resent my daughter for having to stay here for a bit longer… When I know she’ll be ok, then…

2 Likes
8

Thank you Roo1, this is indeed a strange place, lovely and comforting, but strange

1 Like
9

Of course you’re not mad. Dave. I feel how much you lovedyour wife. And I admire your courage in facing changes and illness. After losing my wife I am often bewildered how dates I used to look forward to become something I dread most.
I don’t expect so many people on this forum have long relationship with their spouses. My wife was also my childhood sweetheart. That was the purest, most innocent kind of love that was so true and beautiful. But it’s all the more tormenting when lost…
you’re not alone…

2 Likes
10

Dear Dave

Like you I remain married to my husband and always will and I believe that one day we will be reunited. That belief is all that keeps me going. We also have kids and two grandsons and like you have highlighted I could not bear to leave them as they are already so traumatised and heartbroken at the sudden and tragic loss of their dad.

The thoughtless comments have lessened for me now, probably because I have retreated into my own little world of just my kids, grandsons and small group of friends/family. It is the only way that I can cope and I was finding it more difficult to ‘bite my tongue’, particularly at some of the more insensitive comments. I have declined invites from ‘well-meaning’ friends who have invited me out as like yourself I am the only one to have lost their loved one and they cannot comprehend my loss.

The first anniversary of my husband’s death is in September, a few months off yet but already causing me dread. I find myself remembering what we were doing this time last year and it is unbelievable he is no longer here with us.

Your post is not a rant, but an expression of love for your wife.

Take care.

3 Likes
11

Dear Dave, I’ve had the same well meaning comments as well. People don’t mean to be hirtful but they just have no way of understanding that level of emotional agony-they might as well be living on a different planet. I wanted to not be alive for the last year as well, and every day seems meaningless. When people say stupid things I find it helpful to think of them as little children. A friend of mine lost his partner of 40 years and at the same time got throat cancer. He has now recovered and seems to be leading a contented life, so it is possible even though it seemed impossible. I feel for you my friend, it’s worth slogging through the pain because you never know what will happen…Sending love and healing. Dan.

3 Likes
12

Dear Dave
I am so sorry for you loss. Reading your story it could be me writing about the loss of my childhood sweetheart & hubby, who went away last Feb. I do take the invitations though but I know what you mean about not knowing how to be without your June, it’s hard to be just one person when it’s always been the 2 of you. I have been on anti depressants & I would say they have helped somewhat. I am not crawling up the walls crying now & don’t cry every day. I know you said you are but that’s ok it’s still very early days. Not sure if you work or not but I would encourage you to be social with your tight group, I also have a group like that & my hubby was also the first to go out of us all. I have found it hard but glad I do accept invites. Look you know & I know our lives will never be the same but I hope you can find some comfort in seeing your daughter (my one is 39 funnily enough) take care Dave
Louise

1 Like
13

Dave I truly understand how it’s been and still is. I lost my husband on the 12th April last year after 2days in hospital due to Covid-19 he appeared fine as he walked into the ambulance laughing and joking with the paramedics , I still talk to him every night and cry most nights instead of every night now. I miss him dreadfully, writing this and tears are running down my cheeks. Like you we were childhood sweethearts we met when I was 15 and he was 16 we got married when I was 21 and this year would have been our 50th wedding anniversary.
I don’t see anyone other that my daughter and son-in-law everyday to make sure I’m ok, my son lives 120 miles away so I don’t see as much as I would like to, he is so much like his dad. My son-in-law keeps nattering about me not eating enough, but I look at food and I’m just not interested, I know he’s doing it because he’s concerned but I’m just not interested in anything. The amount of food I throw away is disgusting but I take a bite or two and that’s all I can face.
This wasn’t the life we had planned like you we were looking forward to spending time together.
But it is what it is and we just have to get on with it.
I know that everyone thought that between the two of us I was the strongest and more able to cope if anything happened so I feel that I am letting him down feeling the way I do, but I cannot help feeling lost.
So if you find a way through this please let me know and I hope the treatment you are having for cancer helps if only for your daughters sake.
Take care

3 Likes
14

I feel your heartache, I feel very much the same, your feeling sad for the loss of June and sad for yourself thats totally under
standable. Feeling sad for yourself and feeling sorry for
Yourself are completely different things.

1 Like
15

your not being emotional i feel lonely even with people around me dont beat yourself up it will be 4 years on 21st dec for me i feel so angry how could i be widowed at 50 i have a lot of lonely years ahead of me just take each day as it comes thats all you can do im so sorry for your loss i wont say i no how you feel because i dont each persons grief is different sending love and hugs xx

3 Likes
16

This is so true, we are all in a life we never asked for ever wanted

4 Likes
17

I had depression when I lost my lovely partner. It’s been a year and a half now, and whats scaring me is the question is this depression or grief? And how would you tell the difference? Is it a life experience or an illness?

18

probably a mixture of both but i would say mainly grief its been nearly 4 years for me hope this helps xx

19

How do you actually get through it 15 months on I still feel like it was yesterday not every day but the bad still outweigh the ok days
X

20

you just have to take a day at a time it will be 4 years on 21st dec and i still get more bad days than good some days i just have to take hour by hour minute by minute i can still hear his boss telling me im sorry but hes gone never goes away xxx