How I miss....

My Ian’s last words before we went on the ventilator were how much he loved me
I told him every day how I loved him
45 years of love it is just not fair that they have been taken from us
I don’t know how I will get through the autumn and winter the thought of Christmas makes me feel physically sick

I can’t even think that far. We always told and showed we love each other. It was a most fantastic privileged relationship. The last few days I was allowed to do her. I kept telling her how much I love her and how special she is. On the Thursday 28 may just before nine (she has her eyes closed all day and just made sounds when I said things) she said I love you, goodbye and stopped breathing. Just typing it is emotional. I just fill up. How could she be gone so young

Life is just so unfair Jay. Your Allison was way too young and I feel your grief and burden of the unfairness and incompetence that you have to carry. Just to let you know, today I’ve managed all day without sobbing bitterly, just a fwew tearful episodes, so that is definitely an improvement. I had sat on the sofa last night where we would always sit together with his arm around me and I felt somehow peaceful. I didn’t feel Malcolm’s presence but I sat and talked to him for about an hour, til late and I kept feeling calm.I went to bed feeling different, almost at peace with what has happened and I didn’t need to cry. Something happened, I don’t know what, but I hope you will feel this peace soon, I am 10 weeks along , more than you, so have hope,


I really hope that I can start to feel that calm
I need to accept it but I am constantly fighting against the fact that he is gone
I know it but I don’t believe it , does that make sense
My whole life with him 45 years of companionship it can’t go so quickly ? Can it ?
I’ve never lived alone until now and I hate it

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I honestly didn’t think I could cope either, yes it makes perfect sense Suekatie, we’ve lost the love of our life , our everything. We’d been together since 1968 and married
in 1971 and like you I can’t believe our life has just flown by so fast. I kept thinking,this can’t be it, this can’t be all there is, all over in the blink of an eye. But sitting here talking to him last night seems to have triggered some form of accepting what has happened, which I just hadn’t been able to do. I really felt my life was over, no point in anything, had married, brought up my family, had a career, no role left any more, But these feelings don’t last forever so hang in there! x

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The funny thing is when your a partnership is that you always know one of you will die first but you never really let that sink into your conscious. You go through life as if that day will never come and then suddenly wham it’s happened and your not ready for it. You see others on their own, maybe one of your parents but you just don’t see it happening to you. Nothing in life prepares you for this and the pain is like nothing you’ve experienced before. I’ve been left and divorced but that pain was nothing like this. I long for the touch of Dave, to hear his voice, to kiss his lips but knowing that will never happen again at times is unbearable. But I also know how lucky I was to have that wonderful man in my life and to have him love me the way he did. Because to have the pain we have to endure is because we have loved and been loved. I would rather go through this awful pain for the rest of my life than to have never experienced the great love we had. Keep going everyone because one day we will be with them again xx


Hi Fifibella
So true, agree with you, I know I loved and was loved so much,
but the pain is deep and raw. The price we pay for being lucky enough to have wonderful marriages. Some people never have this love in their lives. We did and losing them is devastating. I just keep going, and believe we will be together again one day.
It will get easier to bear, hang in there to all in this unwanted situation,
XXX Christina


Deep and raw pain. I was fortunate enough to have one of those special relationships for 23 short years. I wanted to do something so special for our 25th anniversary. Never got the chance. I’m so broken. And wish ever night I don’t wake up in the morning. The pain is that much with her taken so young

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I so agree with all of you, the pain is definitely unlike anything else and nobody knows until they have gone through it as we all have. Yes, of course it’s going to happen to one of us in a marriage as you said, but you’re just so busy being happy you don’t give it a thought…aThen it happens and you feel like your world has ended and it has in a way, nothing will ever be the same and that’s what we long for emotionally. But logically a little voice starts to tell us that’s not going to happen and I think after 10 weeks that’s what’s starting to happen to me. The other thing I’m thinking is, how thankful I am that it wasn’t Malcolm left like this, going through this and I don’t think he would have coped, so I try to be positive about that. Just keep going everyone, sending love x

Hi. Kim. Dreams should never be dismissed as ‘just dreams’! They always tell us something because they come from a part of the mind over which we have no control, and could be the only way our loved one’s can communicate, other than mediumship. In dreams the sea always represents the unconscious mind. It has great depth and so many secrets. It’s where all our hopes and discarded thoughts lie. Nothing is ever lost. It’s all there deep in the unconscious. Your partner is near the sea, so it’s maybe asking you to enter his realm. The realm of the unconscious. The rocks behind could denote he has some climbing to do before he gets to the other side. He waves to you. An acknowledgement that he is still here and will see you later. You can’t reach him yet but you will. I believe the more we grieve the more we stop them moving on. They don’t want us unhappy. If you dream a lot keep a dream journal, you may be surprised what comes up.
Best wishes. John.

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That’s powerful but makes sense I want Mick to be at peace but the grief is overwhelming I know I have a way to go. Thank you

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Such truth Jonanthan. I’m not getting many dreams at the moment but I put that down to the pain killers I’m currently having to take. They zonk me out at night and for someone who has t slept properly for about 15 years this is great but also not so good for remembering dreams. I guess because I’ve got to the almost 1 year anniversary I have let Dave go as the raw bitter pain is no longer with me. I have always been a very strong person emotionally, unfortunately life has made me that way. I feel him with me in those quiet still times like a comfort blanket wrapped around me. The pain of losing our loved ones never goes but you learn to live with it and manage it. There are times when the pain overwhelms me but it’s usually when I’m alone and can let it out. I know Dave would want me to live what life I have left, to enjoy it as best I can and try to be or manage some happiness. I will never have the happy contented life I had with him but I can take some joy from seeing our son grow stronger, find his life partner and god willing meet our grandchildren.

Thank you, Fifibella.
I am having a particularly bad day today, next month it will be one year since my beloved Stan died. The pain which all of you describe is so true, it really does make me feel ill, when it becomes as intense as it is today, usually it is a dull ache with the acute pain now and again.
God Bless all of you.

Some days are worse Mary - and in those days we just sit with it
Sending you love
Sadie x

Thank you, Sadie x

Maryl we are probably about the same time. Dave died on 12th July. All the emotions I’ve managed to keep down are starting to bubble to the surface again the closer I get to the 12th. Jack, our son, and I want to do something to commemorate that day but not sure what to do. With lockdown it’s hard as I know our friends would have liked to join us that day but it’s just impossible. I’d love to release some balloons or Chinese lanterns if they weren’t so environmentally damaging. Depending on the weather we could go down by the river and have a picnic but that seems so lame. Dave was always the one to come up with good ideas for doing things. Stay as strong as you can and let the tears and emotions out when you need to. Xx

Thank you so much, Fifibella,
It is a horrible feeling, isn’t it? I would like to do something for Stan but I am housebound with various medical conditions.
I hope that your’s and Jack’s day is peaceful, whatever you decide to do. x x x


I thought I would share this with you all. Tomorrow will be my 1st wedding anniversary although Dave and I lived together for 35+ years. Last year the 4th July was on a Thursday but because it’s a leap year tomorrow is the 4th. Both Dave and I lived the work of Jack Vetrtriano and I follow him on Facebook. Today on my feed the picture he shared was ‘anniversary waltz’. I knew that was a sign from Dave making that picture the one they chose to share, so I’m claiming it as my anniversary card from Dave. I have uploaded it - or hope I have. Also last night after Jack had gone to bed and I was just sat quietly on the sofa “our song” started playing in my head, although it made me cry I had to play it via my Spotify account. I have a special playlist and this song is top of that list. Keep believing they are with us because they truly are x


Fifibella my heart aches for you. But I love that you got a sign from Dave, I so hope you an feel him around you tomorrow and will be thing of you. Sending you hugs, and a special big one for tomorrow. You are one brave lady x


Thank you bjane xx