How long for the physical symptoms

Please can I ask a question of someone who has lost their soul mate? I cared for my girl (together 44+ years, married 42+ years) for 3 years she suffered from pancreatic and liver cancer, and spent the last 5 months at her bedside in a hospice. Apparently I’m in shock, I’ve bottled all emotion up for so long, that now I can’t let go. There are no words to describe this. I can’t terminate, as I have two sons, and although my girl totally understood my intentions, she said they’d never get over it. So I try to grind out everyday - but my question: when do the physical symptoms ease (stomach tied in knots, feel sick when eat, fitful sleep etc)? I know I’ll never get over the mental anguish, even when I can start to face it, but does it stay physical for ever as well?

2 Likes

Hi Dennis, I feel for you, I lost my husband of 40 years to pancreatic cancer, even though you know what’s coming, it doesn’t help at all, I think the answer to your question is that it very gradually gets easier, all you can do is take a day at a time, your children need you, keep strong, sending love Jude x

2 Likes

@DennisS, I sorry you find yourself on here, having lost your soulmate. I was married for about the same time as you, my only proper boyfriend that became my husband.
Doug has been gone almost 16 months, and not a day go past that I don’t miss him.
The physical symptoms I found did pass eventually, my children were always nagging me to eat in the early days. But sleeping is still an issue even now. The sadness and tears are still with me too, I thought I was doing okay the first twelve months, but since first anniversary seemed to go back to the early days. I have sort help from my doctor and now waiting for Cruse counseling.
But also being on this forum has helped, being able to share experiences and know that others are feeling the same as you too. Keeping reaching out and the kind lovely people on here will respond.
It’s early days for you, don’t expect to much to soon, take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. I see you have children, I have a son and daughter and we helped each other get through the early days.
Sending love
Debbie X

3 Likes

Hello Dennis, It’s very early days for you yet, I’m so sorry for the loss of your soulmate.
In answer to your question about the physical symptoms of grief, they honestly will start to ease in time.
Very gradually you will start to eat better, then sleep better. The terrible stomach in knots feeling happened to me yesterday actually, although it doesn’t last as long now.

You say “apparently” you’re in shock. You absolutely will be in shock, losing our beloved partners after a lifetime like we have is a dreadful shock and in my experience it takes a long time to come to terms with. A friend (who recently lost her husband) describes herself as feeling “numb” as if everything in her life is happening to someone else.

I think we don’t understand the full shock of grief until it happens to us.

Please look after yourself Dennis and stay with us (for the sake of your sons) Life will start to look slightly better. It’s almost 17 months since I lost my soulmate of 40 years and he’s with me every day and always will be in my heart, as I’m sure your girl will be forever with you.

It’s such a hard road, but we have to travel it with their love in our hearts always.

Take care
Janey

4 Likes

@jude28 Thanks for replying, I’m new to this forum, and whilst nothing can really help, maybe just knowing that it is possible others can understand and are living the torture, maybe makes it less lonely, so thanks.

3 Likes

@debbie57 Thanks for replying, yes I get that and thanks, I hope the physical symptoms will ease - it just makes it even more pointless. I have 2 sons, one is supportive, the other far less so - but neither live close. As a bloke, I don’t really have friends - just a few golf acquaintances - as Sharon was my best mate as well as my soul, so reading these posts maybe helps. I’ve avoided drugs for symptoms, my fear is using them as a crutch - thanks again…

2 Likes

@JaneyS Thanks for replying, I’m new to this forum, and your comment about shock really hit home. When I try to explain to others that I don’t understand, that I get lost on familiar roads, that when I try to think of my girl it’s like some weird shutters just drop down - they look at me as though I’m an idiot. So I thought no one understands, so thanks again for that comment, and the rest of what you said, thanks…

3 Likes

Good morning Dennis, just been reading your post and my heart goes out to you for the loss of your beloved soulmate. I relate to all you say, the shock is devastating, you are in disbelief and feel that you’re acting in a film, as if you’re living someone else’s life, not yours. It does take time to elaborate this and the physical symptoms do ease, like others have already told you here. I lost my husband of 25 years, a year and a half ago suddenly from a heart attack,seems like yesterday. Like you, I have two children (in their 20s) living with me, and they give me a reason o go on. From my experience I would like to suggest to you not to repress your pain and anguish (I made that mistake, still do) , pour out all your sorrow, talk to your family and friends, and reach out here on this site, where everyone understands how you’re feeling. I found that it’s impossible to confide with people who haven’t gone through the same grief, they just feel awkward and don’t know what to say. Here, I feel that we are all talking the ‘same language’, sharing our thoughts lessens this burden we’re carrying, giving us strength and courage. It is a long winding road we have been forced to embark on, against our will, but we will make it, our cherished memories and special love we shared with our lifetime soulmates will never leave us, that cannot and will never be taken away from us.
Take care of yourself.

4 Likes

@Solost Thanks for the reply, and as someone very new here, it’s really good to know I’m not going nuts. Your comment about a film is 100% correct; I said that to one of Sharon’s friends and she didn’t get it. But I stare at Sharon’s photos, trying to provoke a release, but the shutters drop (apparently brain protecting me, against my will) and it is like looking at a picture from a film watched in the past. I’m in Crete at t he moment, as we have a holiday home here, to sell it as I can’t bear it here now, so posted early when no one was around - but you are an early bird, so thanks…

3 Likes

I know very well that feeling when looking at photos. I often avoid looking at them, too painful, as if that is another reality which still exists but is just not showing itself, I’m being forced to live ‘another’ reality. Doesn’t make sense to me even as I say these words but it’s how I feel. I don’t live in the UK (although I’m an ex-Londoner), you’re probably going through very hot weather like we are here in Italy, we get to 40 Celsius in the afternoons, sorry to hear you have to sell your holiday home, understand how sad it must be for you.

1 Like

@Solost It may not make sense to those who haven’t lost their soul mate, but the way you describe it is EXACTLY how I feel - EXACTLY. That’s why looking at this forum, although it doesn’t change how I feel, at least I understand that I don’t understand… if that makes sense?

1 Like

Yes, it does make sense. We are all in this together and whoever has never gone through this heartache just cannot understand us. They often end up avoiding us because they just feel awkward and embarrassed and don’t know what to say. This is is hurtful but I can understand this.
Have a peaceful day.

2 Likes

DenisS
So sorry you are selling your holiday home. I have to stay in my home because of probate as I would also like to move away as I still think he is going to pull up in his truck. I hope you are stronger than me as I feel I am drowning in grief.
Jessica

1 Like

Hope you’ll be ok Jessica. It’s so hard isn’t it. Thinking of you and sending you a hug. We understand how you feel xx

3 Likes

@Jessica1231i understand your grief, I was with Sharon for 44 years, and she changed my life. I wrote a poem for her funeral, and included: “the gobby scared met the quiet scared, and together they fused a single soul” which sums up what we were together. Glad you ae getting help from mh nurse, I’m seeing a psychiatrist - which is something hardcore alpha leaders like me would never do (I can’t tell anyone who knows me) - and maybe that helps me to understand, but it doesn’t help to end the torture. You are not alone in this…

1 Like

Good morning Dennis, hope you’re doing OK. These summer months are making me feel much sadder as they bring back so many more lovely memories of my beloved. Especially both our birthdays and anniversary fall in August.

Hi Janey and Jessica, I hope you are also both finding comfort in sharing our feelings here,
I’m just finding it so hard to see the world still moving on without my soulmate being part of it, then again I don’t feel part of it either, as if I’m ’ just a spectator, watching passively, I am literally “lost in time”, my life stopped that dreadful Sunday afternoon and my mind just refuses to to look ahead and accept what’s happened.

Take care.

1 Like

@Solost morning to you too. I’m just having my early morning dose of the site, before most people are up - which works best for me. Yes, I can’t say anything HELPS, but… it seems easier to understand the torture and hopelessness by reading others’ identical thoughts. Hope Italy is nice, sunny in Crete but basically irrelevant to me (my son said “at least you’re on holiday in the Sun” which just made it far worse as it confirms no one in my real life understands).

1 Like

Hi, this is the first time I have been on line and replied. lost my husband after 38 years of marriage, and Dennis I am finding it no better at all. My professional support has stopped and it is so hard to move forward mental as well as physical.

2 Likes

@Alice1 well done making your first reply, I’ve only been on here a week - and although nothing helps, I am finding that this gives me more understanding of what is happening - and the ability to talk with others who live the same unreal constant torture gives some clarity. If you haven’t lost your soul mate, you can’t understand. I’m not sure why you have lost your professional help; I haven’t used “the system” yet as my girl quite sneakily I now think set me up via my GP with a psychiatrist, which is something guys like me woukd never consider. He does explain things, but again, does he really understand? I wrote what he told me on a long post the other day (to flossie I think), if that is any help? If not I’ll do it again?

2 Likes