How to cope after caring for someone during end of life

Coping with bereavement
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I spent 14 years helping to care for my Granny, but for the last few years of her life took more of the caring on and during the last 9 months of her life became her full time carer.

It is something I would choose to do over and over again in a heartbeat. She was my best friend and my mother figure. I lost her 23rd December 2025. She had Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s dementia. Her body gave up on her long before her mind did, but when her mind did, it was hard, really hard. She did not know who I was towards the end I was just the lady who would help her in every aspect of her life, from the moment she woke to the moment I put her to bed at night.

I have intense guilt, what if I didn’t do enough, what if she was scared at the end and I didn’t comfort her in the right way. She loved Christmas, it was her favourite time of the year. She had gone 11 days from being taken off medication, not being able to eat or drink, I knew she was holding out for Christmas Day, but I also knew she was in pain her body was slowly shutting down. So I wished her a Merry Christmas, put her Christmas nighty on her and pretended it was Christmas Day. A few hours later she passed.

Did I do the wrong thing, was that a cruel thing to do, to trick her like that?

She would have held out the next few days I know she would have but the visits from the district nurses were more frequent for more morphine because of the signs of how much pain she was in.

it’s been 6 months, I have not even begun to cope. To lose the most important person in my life has changed me more than I want to admit.

It’s been 6 months and I have not felt her presence I’ve not felt like I’ve had a sign - I know not everyone believes in that sort of thing but I fear that it’s because I did something wrong or didn’t give her the best end to her life.

every Tuesday and every 23rd of the month I spiral and go back to day 1 of my grief. How can I go from caring for her 14 hours a day to nothing. I struggle to come to terms with never seeing her or hearing her voice again.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to get from this post, maybe just to write everything down.

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Hello hcon, so sorry for the loss of your Granny,.from what i have read from different people’s posts, they all wonder if they could have done something different for their loved ones, and they would have lived longer, or they blame themselves, .. i myself wish i could have done more for my husband, who passed away in March, but i know there was nothing more we could have done for him…I think what you did for your Granny, celebrating Christmas early was beautiful, very thoughtful of you. Im sure your Granny was at peace when she passed. We who are grieving don’t like hearing others saying, they’re not suffering any more, but we can say that, im glad my husband is not suffering anymore, if he had lived, and who knows for how much longer. .he would still be suffering, he was already so fragile looking. :cry:…it’ll be a long time before we start feeling a bit better. I hope you have some one close to you, that can help you cope with your loss. Take care and God bless you :folded_hands:

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My heart goes out to you @hcon. Your words paint such a beautiful picture of the love and care you showed to your Granny. I think it was a beautiful idea to put her in her Christmas nighty and wish her a happy Christmas :heart: You did it from a place of love and thats what matters. I think its very natural when you love someone so deeply to question did we do the right thing, what more could we have done. I cared for my mum full time for the last year of her life and there are so many things I question could I have been a better carer and made her final months more comfortable?

Please dont think that you’re not feeling a connection to your Gran because you did anything wrong. Im no expert but ive read that sometimes the pain we are in can make that connection more difficult (something to do with the energetic frequency of different emotions if thats what you believe of course).

6 months is really early days, especially when you dedicated so much of yourself and your life to her care. I was the same, and it felt like my whole identity had been stripped away - who am I now that I no longer need to take care of Mum? I know that I wont ever be the same person that I was, and theres a grief attached to that too :broken_heart:

Please just take time for yourself now if you can. As well as the physical and emotional impact of grief, all the energy you poured into caring for your Gran can leave you completely exhausted when suddenly the caring stops - you need time to recuperate. Do you have friends or family who are supporting you? I found great comfort in joining local bereavement support groups where im surrounded by people who totally understand and just let you be yourself and grieve freely. And of course there are so many people on this site who understand and want to support each other.

Sending you hugs :people_hugging: - take care :heart:

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I’m so sorry that your Granny died recently. That is so hard for you when you loved her so much! You said you felt like you didn’t do enough for her but just being there for her and doing everything you did was plenty. I’m sure she felt protected by you and that is a good thing. My husband died of lung cancer two years ago on July 7th. The loss is painful. I loved him so much and took care of him. I miss him terribly like I’m sure you miss your Granny. One thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that my husband is up in Heaven and we’ll be reunited again in God’s time. Just like you will be with your Granny whose up in Heaven also. It states that in the Bible. However, it’s hard being left behind.

Keep busy and remember the good times. Ask God for help to get through this difficult time. I’ll say a prayer for you also. I wish you the best.

Snowy Evening

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Thank you all for your messages I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and respond. I’m so sorry for all of your losses, this is a community you don’t wish to be a part of but ultimately we all do become a part of and I’m grateful that there’s places like this to speak to people who know what you’re going through.

I’m 33, I feel as though non of my close friends understand what I am going through, whether it is because it feels like I’ve lost a parent or because they may not have been close to their grandparents to feel it as deeply as I am.

My Granny has been such a big part of my children’s lives so far and even though they are still quite young (age 5 & 7) I’m trying to navigate their grief and understanding of losing her. In my local area I don’t feel there is any support for bereavement, we as a family were just left. I’m not sure if this is because we chose to have her at home during her end of life and not in a hospice.

The daily reminders are hard, since returning to work after taking 9 months off to concentrate on caring for her, I sometimes forget it’s happened and it hits me like a tonne of bricks - I’m not sure if it is normal to forget in some moments. Then I’m back to square one.

apologies I am just rambling on again. I just wanted to say thank you to you all again

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Hi I’ve sent you a private message as your story seems quite similar.
Take care.

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@hcon it can be a struggle to find local bereavement support, it feels the griever has to do all the legwork to find it. If you think it might be helpful for you, here’s a few places you might find resources-

At a loss website has a directory of resources/groups around the country (but not every group is registered on here) https://www.ataloss.org/

Check with local hospices - Ive found in my locality they offer bereavement services for all grievers - your Gran doesnt need to have been a patient there. Ive accessed a support group and one to one counselling via this route.

GP surgeries sometimes hold details of local groups

Also my local funeral directors and churches offer groups. And if you were in contact with any carer support organisations they might also be able to signpost you. But none of this was given to me when I lost Mum, it took a lot of searching, at a time when grievers dont have the energy or will.

Another useful resource I found was there are many grief based podcasts which can help reduce the feelings of isolation. The Good Mourning podcast with Sally and Imogen was one I found particularly helpful, along with Griefcast by Cariad Lloyd. Theyre all free to access and I found it easier to focus on than reading a book.

I hope this might be useful :heart:

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Thank you @Ally6 for that guidance, it is such a shame that it’s so difficult to find the right support in communities with grief.

I went to my GP during my caring stage and felt like it was little to no help, I already felt like I was grieving her but I suppose to someone who may not understand, it sounds crazy. I think I’ll look at other pathways before going back to them.

I started listening to ‘Good mourning’ this evening after seeing your recommendation and I find myself just nodding at everything they’re saying.

thank you again for your kindness :heart:

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