I lost my Dad 7 months ago in horrific, traumatic circumstances. He died from alcohol related liver and heart disease. If that isn’t agonising enough, I had taken some time away from contacting him for a couple of years after a lifetime of essentially being more like a mother to him and constantly caring and showing up for him and worrying for him and always always wanting and wishing him to start getting help and get better. When I had my first son in 2020 his drinking got worse , we already lived far apart and the transformative experience that f motherhood made me realise how harmful the relationship with him was to me , despite being so so close to him and adoring him endlessly, I started to our boundaries in place for the first time ever. We barely seen each other over the past few years and when we did speak he was so intoxicated that I just kept moving forward as a mother and , gave up trying to help him anymore. I was so exhausted with it. I was missing him greatly but desperately needed and wanted the contact to come from him, to feel like a child and him the parent and it wasn’t coming. Then when he died unexpectedly in April - the trauma of the shock, the waiting for the postmortem, single handedly organising his funeral and clearing his flat (which was absolutely awful and turned into a dark dark place) , the funeral itself.
The past 7 months haven’t just been missing him, I’ve got ptsd symptoms and immense, immense guilt.
I feel absolutely , unequivocally responsible for his demise and death. I know that if I had kept trying with him at least he would have felt my love and support but instead he died in pain and lonely and abandoned by me.
The past 7 months haven’t been horrific but I cope because of my 2 beautifil children.
I am now in counselling.
But I truly don’t think I’ll ever ever beieve it wasn’t my fault. And when these thoughts and regrets hit me, it’s a spiral of such pain , such huge pain that I just feel like I want to die. Usually when I’m feeding my daughter to sleep at night and in the dark trying to get her down is when my head goes to him and the guilt and so then I has to get thru the night.
I’ve managed this via just screaming and crying by myself until I fall asleep, a few months ago was. drinking a half a bottle of wine and watching tv till I pass out - but I have been avoiding even a glass of wine on the past couple of months for fear of feeling even worse.
But I don’t know how else to cope with the waves. Like I don’t know what to do. I can’t access tools on these moments. These aren’t moments for slow breathing and meditations. They are gutteral, dark moments and my instinct is to go a buy a strong drink to numb myself or stuff myself with food till it hurts. It feels like this or hurt myself. I have to feel something else. The pain is too much.
How do people honestly cope with waves like this? I would really appreciate especially hearing form anyone that has also dealt with the feeling of guilt.