How to deal with xmas

I can’t believe people are starting to discuss xmas I trying to stay positive but this has made me feel anxious I know there are people on this site who will of had their first xmas and I would welcome any advice or support of how you got through your first xmas by the time it’s xmas my husband will of been gone for 7 months.
I feel like I am taking steps forward and then something like this really derail s me

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Hi @AJ33
My husband had been gone 9 months by the time Christmas came last year. I made sure I wrote my Christmas cards extra early with a message for those people I don’t correspond with very often, like distant relatives, only one card missed mine and was addressed to us both.
Like you I have never lived on my own until Doug died, but we do have two married children with partners and grandchildren. My daughter was determined the family would all gather together at her house, despite the fear of a Christmas lockdown, which fortunately didn’t happen. She was never going to let me be on my own.
Doug was very much part of our Christmas, I still write his name on presents and cards given to our children and grandchildren.
I can honestly say I was dreading it, but in the end it wasn’t as traumatic as I thought it would be. Both our children made sure I was never on my own over all the Christmas period and New Year.
By this point I had been through alot of first’s, wedding anniversary, mine and his birthday, father’s Day. It was the first anniversary of him dying that had the biggest impact on me.
You don’t say if you have children, because mine made the biggest difference for me.
Sending love
Debbie X

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Aw thankyou sooo much for your reply I hope I can be as brave and I really mean that in a nice way and it’s good you give me hope love too you along with hugs xxx

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I am extremely lucky I have children and step children who are all the same to me I am feeling sooo alone st the present and scarred of the future which isn’t like me, If I could be me before my husbands sudden death I feel I would cope

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relax … do not put pressure or expectations on yourself.

relax, have a whiskey, think, brood, eat, whatever you like.
watch the “telly” … tis the season of goodwill so make sure you present goodwill to yourself.

:sparkling_heart: :blush:

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I understand that feeling of being alone even in a room full of people. I still feel lonely especially if I have been with family or friends and return home to an empty house.
Try not to over think about the future just take one day at a time, and as berit said, don’t put pressure on yourself.
Love Debbie X

@AJ333 the very word Christmas makes me feel sick. I am 6 weeks into the loss of my husband and now the anxiety has crept in. I have nobody to share Christmas with so will be spending it entirely alone apart from my dog & cat. My heart aches at the very thought of all the family adverts that will be on tv and shops playing jolly music all decorated.
I see people on the news saying it will be a poor Christmas with the cost of living but I would be happy sharing cheese on toast wrapped in a blanket with Mike, sadly that can’t happen
Jen

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@AJ333 The thought of Christmas has really brought out the anxiety in me not just the fact I will probably be on my own but nobody seems to talk about the financial side of things we used to overspend on presents for people now I am not in that position to a be able to do that anymore as things are quite tough for me now. Plus the grieve is overwhelming me at the moment
Jessica

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My husband died in sept last year so Christmas came quite quickly. For a long time I was just trying to ignore it but a couple of weeks before I went out got the few things I needed, just sent cards to people I don’t have contact with throughout the year and my daughter came and made me put my tree up.
Spent Christmas Day with the family at my niece’s and although i got through it I missed mark terribly.
I thought things would be better this year but again I know I will have no interest in it and will just not think about it until I have to.
It’s the same with everything just not the same without our loved ones with us xx

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Hi . Xmas last year was mostly forgotten about by me . My hubby always made the Xmas dinner . I have never made one . So I muddled through took it to my daughters to finish . None of us ate much . I never put tree up or sent cards . I just couldn’t bring myself to do it . I took grandson for a walk in his buggy on Xmas afternoon . And just cried and cried . Even thinking about it now my eyes are filling up . This year I am trying to encourage kids to go on holiday . I would rather sit in the house on my own . Then try and be brave for kids and grandkids . … I found New Year’s Eve very hard I just sat and cried . I didn’t want to go into a new year without hubby . I felt like I was leaving him in the old year …ALl. Xtake carex

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Doug absolutely loved Christmas, we have always put up outside lights and decorations, I knew I still had to do it for him, he would be so disappointed if I didn’t . So everything went up as normal, I did cry while doing it but knew he would approve.
I also had a discussion with my family that now being on my own and not so much money coming into the house I couldn’t afford to be as generous as we used to. Always went overboard with the grandchildren. They all understood.
I will probably to the same again this year, I’m now in my second year but the pain of lossing him doesn’t get any less X

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The first Christmas is going to be very hard. It would be wise to plan ahead and think what you really want. That way you have control.
If you want to be alone, then do that. If you have a trusted friend or family, then be with them. But don’t just be talked into what others decide.
Personally I dislike being jollied along and obliged to be cheerful. So I like quiet Christmas times.

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I don’t know how anyone copes with Christmas. I lost my daughter of just 19 years old in May 2022 and we have my birthday, daughters birthday in December and then Christmas which were huge events for my daughter even though she could not cope with them well. I am dreading it all especially as I can barely get through the day as it is. Thanks, Andy

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John died in early January 2021 and was very seriously ill over Xmas 2020 (which we spent on our own because of lockdowns and John being to ill to travel anyway). By last Christmas I had survived nearly all of the firsts (birthday, wedding anniversary etc). There was no question that I would spend Xmas with my parents ( we always used to and my Mum has the same cancer that John had). I also saw my sister and family. It was as OK as it could be in the circumstances. Although I was sad about John not being there and thinking about the previous awful Xmas, it was good that there were children in the house, because for me that is what Xmas is really all about. I did send cards, but it was mostly because I moved in December and had to let quite a few people know my new address.
I feel so sorry for those who are bereaved and completely alone at Xmas.

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I’m the same by Xmas my nan would of been gone for 6 months I don’t think I be able to get through it properly I live at home with my mum but I just feel like I’m on my own as she doesn’t seem to be feeling the same telling me I’ll get over the loss soon it won’t be long , my nan died just 13 days before my big 40 birthday I really didn’t want to celebrate it didn’t want cards or presents but mum & aunt forced it onto me & we have my nans first birthday since she’s been gone next month :frowning:

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My partner had just finished her chemo in November and we decided we wont celebrate Xmas or New Year something wasn’t quite right. Dreading this year although got a great load of friends will spend it alone . Both had out birthdays in December aswell.

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@HeidiT If you don’t mind me asking, how do you get through these anniversaries? My darling soul mate Sharon passed in May having been given 3-4 days to live on Christmas Eve, and transferred to a hospice on Christmas Day where I stayed by her side 24/7 for 5 months (long story). When she went to hospital on 20th Dec, we thought she’d be back home quickly - so the Christmas tree was there for Sharon to decorate etc when I went into the empty house, alone.
No idea how I could ever cope with Christmas ever again - but in the immediate term, Sharon’s birthday is coming up: I always spoil her rotten, but now she’s not here, I don’t know how to cope. Any ideas please - how do you get through?

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Hi Dennis,
For me I have children and grandchildren ranging from two to seventeen, it’s the family gathering altogether to celebrate Christmas, and having little ones helps just to see the joy in there faces. We make sure dad, granddad is part of the day with remembering him.
As Heidi said it must be very difficult for those bereaved and on their own. X

I don’t mind you asking at all, Dennis.
For all anniversaries for me it’s distraction, distraction, distraction! I live on my own and I work from home. As I said in my previous post, I was able to see my family at Christmas, but they live 150 miles away, so it wouldn’t be practical to go up all the time. So, I make a point of arranging to meet up with other people on the anniversaries (including my wedding anniversary which was on Monday) and getting out and about. I have a really good friend locally who knew John well and is happy to meet up and I know that there are other places I can go to avoid spending massively long periods of time on my own. I find that it doesn’t take away the pain (nothing could), but it does help to get through the specific day.
Do you have people locally that you could arrange to meet up with on Sharon’s birthday or can you go and visit someone? Is there anything you can do on the day to distract yourself?
Thinking of you.

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