I feel as if I will lose myself to the huge sadness I carry around.
I know we can all relate, to the huge emptiness and a insane mind, so stuck in the moment.
I am really giving it my best guys, after enough tears to fill a lake, I was also in shock, in a way I functioned in a numb, detached way for so much of that first year. Sorting through a muddle, of loosing my hubbie unexpectedly, looking back, I don’t know how I functioned on any level. Lock down on top. Which for many people that surrounded my loss, it probably felt as if it had not happened, as there was 8 people allowed at funeral, no service, and we weren’t allowed in any ones homes…I often wondered if that added to the surrealness of it all.
Here I am in the second year, and I still feel like I am scrabbling around, not doing very well at all.
I think, i can manage me, outwardly, this second year, i have learnt how to perform, but inwardly, I feel I am loosing my marbles.
Each outing, family visit, has all the hours in between, those goalless, aimless bits, and even though I should be utilising that time, I sit on my bum, not making myself feel any better, lost in the moment.
I do not want anyone to feel like me, so I don’t want to hurt anyone that is my nearest and dearest, so topping myself is not something I would do…we all know how painful for others that would be.
But I can’t get with the programme, I know life is precious, and I wish I could really appreciate it. I know my husband did not want to leave us.
All support, suggestions how to mentally cope most welcome, I have done all the physical stuff, gym, walking, decorating and bereavement support, but it doesn’t stop this bloody brain from ticking over…thats what is taking me down, that loop, in my head…
Bless you all, and thank you ahead, if you have the time for a reply…
Elvis,
I totally understand what you are saying and through everything you wrote it’s obvious that you are trying so hard to swim through this grief and not let it pull you under.
I am just entering year 2 and the last week have had the best 3 days in a row where I actually felt like my old self. I think it was because of better sleep, because I didn’t have my normal 2 glasses of wine with dinner. So I have decided to stop drinking.
That said, yesterday I picked up a piece of custom pottery for my husband’s ashes. It is so beautiful but it completely set me back, crying uncontrollably on the ground in my hall. I had the thought that it’s the last time that I would be able to buy him anything. That may/may not be true and it really doesn’t matter because it’s just the creeping finality of it all.
I had those tears that just run and run and run and I just couldn’t move.
It helps me to try hard to see someone every day. Even if it’s just a chat with the local shopkeeper. I force myself to continue my hobbies that we shared and go to clubs associated with those hobbies. I try to pin myself down to times to do things, and I really have to make myself do them otherwise nothing gets done.
One thing that has helped me immensely is a friend who has texted me every morning to see what I am doing, then checks in at night to see how I did. He helps me define my day and stay motivated because at the end of the day I can’t say to him that I stayed in bed crying, even though on many days that is absolutely what I want to do. I told him that his texts have helped me swim, even though the emotions and the grief are constantly trying to pull me under.
I think a lot of the time I expect way too much of myself. We are going through so much change in our lives, our brains. The way we live is being completely rewired, mentally and physically, and if our brains don’t work quite the way they used to we shouldn’t be surprised. It’s like grief is a constant programme that is running on a computer and taking up valuable space while at the same time we are trying to do the normal things. So we simply get overloaded.
I wish I could be more helpful and have more answers for you. I understand completely how you are feeling. Just keep swimming x
Elvis,
I should have mentioned in reply above that I also lost my husband unexpectedly and suddenly while I was with him. The trauma is revisited in my head multiple times a day, on a loop as you say, and I simply don’t know how to get rid of that. I have just accepted that it is part of the grief process and hope that every time it reruns is one less time I need to experience it because it is truly awful to have to live with these memories x
The moments in-between are the worse, I feel I’m desperate for them so I can grieve but I can be driving the car, in a shop and ping I fall to pieces I find it so embarrassing.
It’s only been 8 weeks since my husband died suddenly. I’m trying to reflect on my achievements of the day and share them with him speaking out loud, then I make a note on my phone for what I’m going to achieve the next day and read it out loud to my husband. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing but it gets me out of bed each day when I’d rather hibernate.
Reading your thoughts has been helpful , especially knowing I’m not alone. Thank you
To all of you who have posted above,
Thank you for putting my feelings into words.
I can relate to everything said and it really helps me to know that I’m not alone or going mad,
I find it so difficult to put into words.
I lost my wonderful soulmate 5 months ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly, he left the house that morning for his usual jog, smiling and his last words to me were “I love you” less than an hour later he was found on the side of the road we live on.
I will never get over the shock, like all of you I’m trying to carry on but every day is a struggle and ive found I’m quite a good actor.
Everyone seems to think I’m doing really well, but inside I feel dead, nothing interests me and I have totally lost my zest for life, I get angry when people try to give me advice, they have no idea how difficult it is, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
I was completely traumatised when I got to see my darling after he died, I thought I was going to walk in there hold his hand and kiss him goodbye, nobody warned me that he wouldn’t look the same and I almost fainted and backed away saying it wasn’t him. I feel so bad about that. At night that image keeps coming back and I can’t sleep, my heart pounds very loud and fast.
How can there be so many evil people still walking around in this cruel world and someone so loving and caring be taken away.
Love to all of you.
Muldool
@Elvispresley69 - I also find myself feeling how you describe. I sit aimlessly, unable to motivate myself and then I feel annoyed with myself. I keep thinking what would my husband think if he could see me? If it had been him left alone I imagine him keeping busy and being organised.
I try to take invitations and spend time with people, what else can we do? However much time we fill there still feels a massive amount of lonely, quiet, painful time left in every day. I’m hoping this improves with time but I’m not sure it will. What we are experiencing must be “normal” as we are both going through the same feelings and it sounds as if you have taken all the advice to try and feel better. But there is no magic solution I’m afraid.
I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 50, just over a year ago and I can relate to all you have said. The sun is shining outside but here I am sat doing nothing. There’s plenty to do, just no motivation to do it. Take care
Muldool, I can relate to what you say. My husband too went out on his evening run and never returned. Me and my teenage son went to find him when he didn’t return. We were too late. I saw him in the ambulance and, like you said, I just keep seeing that scene again and again. I’m not sure how to move forward when your brain keeps going over what happened. Take care
Bless, I completely agree, I have no other words, I’m sorry to say, other than yes yes yes. It’s awful, I constantly think of not being here as I too have no value on my life and wish I could take someone else’s illness off them so they can live and be happy with a full life and I would no longer have to deal with it all. I miss my husband so much, I just can’t ever see this pain going away 
Hi Elvispresley69
my love goes out to you for your loss.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend whose mother had died just before my husband. We both are just starting out second year said the same thing. The second year seems harder than the first.
You expect the first anniversary of every occasion, birthdays etc you think back this time last year we were doing this and they were still with us.
But in the second year you know that you don’t have that memory as they have gone, only sadness.
The only thing that keeps me functioning is my family and friends and the fact I have to get up for work, I need to pay the bills. Otherwise I would just happily sit and do nothing, just thinking and remembering. Probably wallow in my own sadness and self pity.
Jobs around the house are no better I’ve just had to motivate myself to cut the lawn. I do it for Doug he loved his garden, I’ve had to learn how to look after his pond, treat the water and maintain the pump, all things I never thought I would have to do.
The constant loop you talk about, I relive his last day, the what ifs. I don’t think that will ever leave us.
Take Care
Debbie X
Debbie, I have a pond to sort out as well. I am also having to learn how to maintain our tropical fish tank - and the filter system is a complicated one. All those things he loved doing so I am trying my best. It’s hard though isn’t it?
I fully agree 
I must say I haven’t posted on the site recently, but read a few messages that made me feel not alone with the constant daily struggle. I must say this week hasn’t been too bad I joined a bereavement club (not an easy thing walking through the door for the first time but glad I did) and applied to volunteer at bhf and today worked on a communal project on the allotment. It the nights that I find lonley I can’t seem to watch sport anymore carole and I always watched together and there’s other programme’s I have avoided.
I don’t know how next week will go as it would have been our wedding anniversary on the 14th so I’ll just take one day at a time.
Everyone be kind to yourselves john
It was my wedding anniversary yesterday - the hardest day so far to be honest. What was the best day of my life has turned into one where it is so obvious all that I have lost. I just spent it alone as people don’t seem to remember you on a wedding anniversary or maybe they don’t want to bring it up. Take care
Bless you all, sending a hug to each and everyone of you,. It is so difficult what you all say resonates with me, it’s only been 4 months, but most days feels it was years ago, it’s been so long since I was with my one and only true love. In the 4months Ian, my husband, passed, I’ve had Christmas, his funeral, New Year, his birthday, valentine’s Day, our wedding anniversary and now the first Easter half term when we would have loved filling our days together xxx
@Karenlouise - I’m not sure how we are supposed to manage without them but we do. We keep plodding on. Even when it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to.
My husband died 3 months ago and it still feels unreal. How can this be when he was so strong, fit and full of life?
All of the dates, anniversaries etc are so hard - I have most of them to face yet. This Easter weekend looms in front of us. I find weekends tough - even when I try to take up invitations and spend time with people. He’s not here so I feel lonely wherever I am.
Everything the first time is so hard sweetheart john passed 16month ago and it’s hard lv annie x x