Thank you Jonathan. This is what I like about this forum, someone out there that understands and helps. It’s helpful to know that you also feel as I do. Socialising doesn’t have any meaning now for instance we went out for a meal every week and I’ve tried since but I can’t see the point anymore… Some people are beginning to understand that I can’t cope yet with groups of people…
I am managing the Supermarket much better now but at first I couldn’t understand what was happening to me.
Years ago I joined a mother and baby group. My previous husband and I had moved to a smallholding in the depth of the hills, miles from a town. Any locals were the most unfriendly people I have ever met. My husband had to work away and I was alone with two babies and no phone. Unfortunately joining this group in the town was terrible, I knew no one. I had nothing in common with the other mothers and didn’t want to go to talks on flower arranging, needlwork, cookery etc (wasn’t a domestic goddess), so don’t want to make the same mistake again just for the sake of having the company of people.
My previous interests I have outgrown, got older is the truth. I would love to dance again (not ballroom) but having no partner don’t want to be ‘Billy no mates’.
I talk to Brian all the time on the allotment, this is where I feel the closest to him. If anyone can hear me they will call me 'the mad woman that talks to herself. The members still mention Brian as if he’s still there with me, which is nice. One member laughed at me yesterday when I told her that if Brian didn’t like the way I was doing his plot he could come and do it himself. I still have his name at the top of his plot, it’s his and I’m just helping him out.
Thankyou
Pat
Hi Grahame, I think most of us would agree with you, we just didn’t know the true pain experienced when you lose someone that is so much part of your life. You think you know until it happens to you. You just can’t describe what it does to you.
I was also told it would get easier with time but I am coming up to my first year and I’m not convinced yet. It feel like yesterday to me. Fancy some one telling you that you will find someone else, how insensitive. Yes it does happen and good luck to those that get another chance of happiness but it’s the last thing you will be thinking about at the moment but as far as I’m concerned Brian was my true love and cannot be replaced. We had both been married twice before but it was a case of third time lucky and we had thirty years together.
Yes I would recommend the Ramblers, we was both members and Brian was a leader and it hurts too much at the moment. I have been out with them since but have noticed that some members seem uncomfortable and one man that I previously got on well with and we used to wind each other up and laugh a lot now never speaks to me. I know he probably doesn’t know what to say but it becomes tiring having to make people feel more comfortable around me all the time. I seem to be the one having to make the effort.
Whatever you feel like doing keep walking it really does help and can make you feel much better.
Yes we are expected to get over it but were we any different before we lost our loved ones. I remember a woman that lost her husband and when I saw her a month later she was crying all the time. I couldn’t understand this after all he had been gone a month!!! How little I knew.
Pat xx
Life gets easier, you will move on, you’re young you will find someone else, let me know when you are ready, are you a Merry Widow, did you marry him for his money (hubby 13years older) or the best I understand a woman like you has needs let me know if I can help ffs . Oh yes pure gems! I have my hubbies ashes in our bedroom only way I can sleep if he’s close, I know this is not healthy but it’s what I need. I have put googley eyes and his cap, makes me laugh and it would have made him laugh. Take each day as it comes, I simply reset regroup get up and ignore idiots!
Morning silverlady. Totally get where you coming from, I have Michelle’s ashes in bedroom with some Rose’s around her and pictures of everything she loved (close family and her best mate chip, her beloved dog…best present I ever got her, sadly when I said he was her best mate, that included me ha ha ). People keep asking me what am I doing with the ashes, but I dont want to just scatter them anywhere and no one should be forced to do something straight away. So dont let anyone tell you different. We lost son 14 years ago and he is buried at local cemetery, may in time place her with son. But that is a decision for me and daughter not anyone else, regardless if they think still having them is unhealthy. Its what’s right for you x
Morning Grahame
I agree, I will do what is right for me and mine, I get comfort from being close to him. My hubby used to say he came 5th in line after my children and the dogs, he was always my number one just didn’t tell him to stop him from getting too cocky lol. I choose to have him by me I may plant a tree in his garden bury the ashes(in a pot so I can take it with me) there I made part of the garden (his favourite veg patch) into a rememberence garden , it’s a circle I planted a hedge round it put an arch and his favourite bench, planted plants that would attract insects (big wildlife fan even thou he was allergic to bees) I sit there and talk to him. We were always outside, we live in the country, I suppose I should stop saying we instead of I .
Dont say I, he is always with you so say we. People say michelle has gone, and i know physically she has, I long to give her a hug and feel so bad that couldnt do anything to save her. But in my head I can still hear her voice and try to keep that part of her alive. The garden you described sounds ace, sitting there with your thoughts and memories will be your precious time with him. it’s one of the ideas that I was thinking of so that shel is outside rather than being buried. Just got a million and one things going round in head at moment that’s why not jumping to any quick ideas. Was meant to be in work today but couldnt face it everyone getting on with life when I think its stopped
My hubby was in hospital two months high on the transplant list, they wouldn’t let him home, two near misses, he hated being in there,suddenly he took a turn for the worse fully awake and functioning, working the day before he died. We were told Mon he was dying he died Tuesday. We have been side by side day by day 24/7 for 24years, now I stand alone. Like you at work I function (we worked together) and I see people moving on forgetting about him, I see his office being used, his parking space filled, I am screaming in my head no no no but outwards I am coping, isn’t she doing well I hear them say. I am doing better, but doing well, coping some days yes some days no, yesterday I kept crying, today I feel better. We were lucky because when he was in hospital I was with him 14 hour days and how we talked, we said everything to each other that we needed to, he saw the people he wanted to see, silly to say but he had a good death. I focus on his life not his death I choose not to focus on that part, it was such a small part of his life, perhaps you can focus on Michelle’s life before her illness, or even the strength she showed during her illness, she sounds like a very grave strong woman, daft as it sounds I had always been proud of my hubby but the strength and love he showed at the end brought me to my knees. We have to show the same bravery and strength in their honour.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, I know complete stranger so telling me how your husband passed means a lot. So glad you got to spend the final moments with him. That is such a wonderful thing …I know this because I did too, michelle was in and out of hospital for 10 years and it kind of came the norm, so we didnt think anything other than she will get patched up and back out fighting… after 16 years in the job I was in, we were made redundant in feb this year, I decided to have a few months off as was financially stable with redundancy and wanted to spend time with Michelle, she went into hospital at start of April and was actually due to come home mid month, but the care team that she had at home had cancelled the package so the hospital wouldnt let her be released. Then on good friday she took a turn for the worse and went Into intensive care. On the saturday she made a massive recovery and everyone was made up, they were just waiting for a bed on the ward and told me on the sat night to go home and get some rest. We gave each other a kiss and she was fine. 12am I got a call to get there, got taken into a side room and was told nothing they could do. Easter sunday she was being given morphine every 30 mins. They put it down to pneumonia. She was so strong at the end, told daughter to leave the room for a minute, then told me “stop getting upset in front of shannon, I know I’m dying”…it ripped me apart. Trying so hard to think of the nice times and not the end, and know she would of suffered if had got through this time at hospital. But just feel things could of been done differently, and blame myself as should of fault the hospital more.
But Heather Diane you are normal! Normal in the circumstances of grief. There is nothing abnormal in the pain of bereavement because it’s a natural response to loss.You may feel that is not true because the pain is almost unbearable.
We are all different people; none of us will ever be the same. But if the pain brings out the best in us in the form of compassion and love then nothing is lost. It’s what my wife would have wanted.
I certainly have changed. I am far more understanding and tolerant.
There is a silver lining in this dark cloud overhead. A medieval monk said ‘The dark cloud that breaks with blessings on your head’. He may have meant that some good can come out of the pain. Take it easy. Like you, this site has been a Godsend to me. Look after yourself.
Your mention of the googly eyes and cap have made me laugh.
When my gran got cremated in 1996 (unfortunately just 2 years before my dads sudden and unexpected death) my dad brought her ashes home and put her glasses and wig on the urn.
We did laugh and although I’ve not laughed at all since mum died 17 weeks ago, it reminded me of a happy memory.
C1971 I’m glad it brought back such a precious memory, I talk to the damn think even tell him off for staring! Even do the odd impromptu strip (I’m very strange lol) in front of it joking . Reading thru the post makes me feel sad because I feel for the people that have regret and guilt, bottom line could you help them anymore, no, could you take away their pain, no, could you have loved them anymore, no. Would you, could you can you change anything that happened, probably not, so I remember my hubbies love, personality, bravery and humour that carried him and me thru a terrible time and I honour that and I know he would have laughed at the eyes and said daft bint x
What a great guy your husband sounds. I like him.
I also like your thinking, yes I’ve had all those feelings you mention and realise that your so right. Nothing can have changed and no one prepares us for watching someone we love leave us, so what if we made a few mistakes along the way we did our best… So I am going to also remember my precious husband. He was a very private person and I have wondered since he went if he didn’t trust me or want to share things with me. Then I found a diary in the loft that belonged to his previous wife and she was constantly moaning about him not talking to her and telling her things. It seems he had always been the same. So I will concentrate on remembering his love for me, kindness, consideration, his quiet strength, how brave he was and when he didn’t tell me things about his illness he was probably trying to protect me. I love him no matter what.
Hi. Sorry for your loss. I hope your diving club bring some fun back into your life. My dive club have been so supportive since the death of my husband…and under water I feel so calm…good luck moving into your future xxx
Underwater is really the only place now where I feel calm and relaxed. It seems that, as soon as my head gets under the surface, I can breathe again - I know that sounds like a crazy thing to say, but it’s true. I feel like I’ve come back to life and all my trouble are left on the surface. I’ve just got back from a holiday in the Red Sea with the diving club which was brilliant - they are all so gentle with me. When being around all those people got too much for me, one of the boys always walked me to my room and made sure I was okay. On the boat and underwater, it’s a different story! I think I got thrown off the boat more than anyone and I certainly haven’t laughed so much in, literally, years - and there was no guilt about laughing and having fun. Maybe I’ve reached a turning point. I keep telling myself “Enough now. You have to live for both of us” Most of the time it doesn’t feel true but, occasionally, I can feel Me again.
That’s great to hear. I’m going to the Red Sea on the 27th Dec. It’s a trip my husband should have been on with me but I decided to go anyway and am taking a friend. I’m glad diving has helped you. I know it will help me. X
everyone getting on with life when I think its stopped