How to start dealing with grief

This is my first post. My husband died on 30th January after being in hospital 12 days with covid. We’d been married 37yrs.
I’ve managed to get through the funeral and have virtually sorted and contacted everyone except the bank. We have a joint account, and my husband has a final wage to go in near the end of this month, but I’m worried if I contact them now, they may freeze the account, can anyone clarify. I’m finding there’s no tears, just a huge overwhelming sadness that he’s gone. I keep talking to his photo asking where he is. I’m struggling with how he died as I never saw him again once he was taken to hospital, and only allowed one call with him in all that time. That call will haunt me forever, as he was so frightened because he couldn’t breath. I should have been there to reassure him, and find it so cruel he was on his own. They did say I could see him after he passed which I’m really angry about and refused due to others in ICU being so poorly. I’m angry his casket was closed and I couldn’t even dress him. The ending for us just seems so surreal. I’m sure there are others on here in the same situation, personally the not seeing him at all is making coming to terms with it so difficult

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Cath 1
So sorry you are hurting you mirror my experience my Tim died on a ventilator after we both tested positive for COVID I was allowed in to be with him when he passed I know how much this must hurt. Tim was also scared and struggling to breath I am haunted by our last FaceTime call.
I rang his bank and yes they did freeze the account there and then but it wasn’t a joint account so maybe for you it will be different.
I am also heartbroken and sob continuously I cannot get my head round I will never cuddle or talk to him again.
Big hugs
Julie

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Thank you Julie for your response. I Can at least answer the question about the bank for others with a joint account, as I’ve just spoken to them. The account hasn’t been frozen, and no payments will be stopped from going in or out of the account.
I’m so sorry for your loss too, and hopefully we’ve both found support here, by being able to offload, what can be difficult expressing to close friends and family
Huds to you
Cath

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So very sorry for your loss I too lost my partner to Covid 3 months ago… we’d been together 37 years. You will still be in deep shock I was the same. The tears will come. I was fortunate I was with my partner when he passed away he’d already had a cardiac arrest though so wouldn’t have known it. I too had the same issue of not being able to see him after. I did take clothes for him but the undertaker would only place them on top of him. My thoughts are with you keep posting if you need support and maybe think about bereavement Counsilling I should have done so much sooner I’ve got an assessment next week.
Big hugs Julie x

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Hello Cath, my story is exactly the same as yours. My husband caught Covid last March and he was so dreadfully poorly, and I couldn’t be with him. He was in hospital for 16 days. They let me in for his last couple of hours and it haunts me too because he seemed to be struggling although staff said he was unaware. I wasn’t allowed to see him at peace at all and the sight of him struggling plays on my mind. I’ll never be able to get over it, I’m sure, Everything seems so pointless without him now. 10 months on I feel like it was only a few weeks ago. I’m terribly sorry this happened to you as well, and it is a comfort to know that my feelings are probably normal and it’s not just me that feels that I’m unable to cope.
I don’t feel able to say all this to my family because it will upset them, I guess, so saying it on this group to others going through the same seems to help.
Take care, stay safe from Covid
Joan

Thank you for the responses. It’s good to know I’ve found somewhere where people know what I’m experiencing. Covid has made the grieving process so difficult, as one minute my husband was there, and then he was gone. He just deteriorated so quickly. I have so many questions stuck in my head, like why didn’t I push more for the phone calls, or to see him. I really feel like I let him down when he needed me most.
Cath

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Yes me too, I feel exactly the same. My husband was ill at home for 6 days before we called 111 and because we guessed what it was I didn’t go near him, slept in the spare room, looked after him as best I could but if I’d known he would have to go to hospital and then wouldn’t make it, I would’ve been much more comforting to him. I didn’t cuddle him when he needed it most. My very big regret.

Cath1

I also believe losing your soul mate so quickly has caused trauma how can my man be sat here with me having a cuppa and laughing to being dead 27 days later it just is unbearable.
I was told he had 24 hours so went in to say goodbye on18/01 for him to somehow fight another week when his oxygen levels stabilised at 60% they started to remove support I was ecstatic only to receive a 1am call to come back in he died in my arms six hours later.
I watched him suffer in high dependency for a week nurses didn’t know how to work the machine and a nurse put plasma into his drip leaving it on fast flow when he realised he couldn’t call her as she had moved the call button out of his reach his lungs filled with water he was so scared told me it had mentally effected him in a terrible way.
I am haunted by all this and the fact I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye when they took him to ICU,

I am so sad you are all suffering as well

Julie

Julie that is just awful. I have written a letter to the hospital in the hope they’ll answer some of my questions, such as why wasn’t I called when they knew he wasn’t going to recover. Why wasn’t I offered the opportunity to be with him. I too have so many regrets even though I looked after him for a week at home, but again in separate beds and no cuddles. I’m so sorry for everyone going through this terrible nightmare. My thoughts are with you all
Cath

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I looked after Martin for 3 days before I called for an ambulance, I looked after him wearing a mask, but never Sat with him or slept in bed with him in case I caught covid of him. Like you if I’d known he would die I would of laid next to him clinging to him.
Martin was a bus driver and had underlying health conditions but when lockdown lifted he went back to work and caught covid while the highly contagious strain came about. I feel so guilty not screaming at him not to go to work, I only said once he should self isolate with his Mum, but he ignored me.
Hugs to you all xx

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I’m so sorry . I lost my husband last may from prostate cancer. To answer your question about joint account. It will convert to a sole account when you inform the bank of his demise.

Dear Cath,

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through I cannot imagine how that must have been I lost my husband of nearly 50 years in November he caught covid in hospital, but thankfully he battled and got to come home, but was put into end of life care just 5 days after coming home and died 2 days later, but I was with him for those 2 days, and it was a privilege to be able to kiss and hold him, I can say we had a joint bank account, and they did not freeze the account, just adjusted it to my Name, and his pension still went into the account, that was Royal bank of scotland, if it helps, you cannot grief because you did not get to be with your husband and you are dealing with all the affair that need putting into place, just be assured he will be watching over you, I say this because I prayed and Prayed when my husband was bad with sepsis and covid when he was in hospital, I prayed that he would be able to come home to be with me if only for a short period, and thank God he came home, take care, You will be in my Prayers, we are all going through the same thing, but like yourself, for some not being with there loved one makes it even more horrible.

love Aud

Hi Cath, your experience mirrors mine exactly. My husband died of Covid on 20th January after 17 days in hospital. I too was not allowed to see him until the last day and struggle with how he must have felt alone in hospital. It would have been our 37th wedding anniversary in April

Sorry for your loss :cry::cry: if you have a joint account the bank will transfer it to you as the Joint account holder they won’t freeze it as technically one half is yours. I am a paralegal in Scotland who specialises in estate administration and no if it is an account that is held jointly the bank should just transfer this to your sole name. Happy to help or advise you with anything else x

Sorry for your loss.
I did the same thing. I didn’t want to be close to him because I thought if I would get him sick with the covid, I wouldn’t be able to live that down.
But then he had a heart attack and passed away.
So I do have major regret too.
So so sad.

Hi cathy, i can understand how you feel, your still in shock from your partners death, it took me over a year after my sons death to actually get out of shock. I was in denial for a long time. A moment will come when it will sink in and you will cry, this will continue to happen for most of your life, as healing is a very slow process and everyone deals with grief differently. And the regret u feel is normal, u didnt get to see him or do anything for his last death rights, that all family members want to do when someone passes away. Even if u had done all that, you would still have had some kind of regret for things in the past. I felt the same with my sons death. So take your time and dont put too much pressure on yourself. You will get through this, take a day at a time. Be strong and remember its good to cry and also talk to friends and family.

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