I woke up today and as soon as I opened my eyes I knew it was going to be a bad grief day. I’m 6 months down the line so I know it’s changeable, I’m also aware it comes in waves. However, sometimes the waves are very close together.
The one feeling that drives me mad, is that restless grief feeling, I’d explain it as a yearning. It’s unbearable at times, especially as you know there is nothing you can do but wait for it to subside. When I feel this way I also find I have less patients, when others talk I’m not really paying attention, my nerves feel bad. It’s a really hard feeling to explain. It’s like I’m really homesick but can’t ever go home.
Just over two weeks for me. His post mortem results come back today, it was his heart as we expected so we have answers but they don’t really help. My grief is getting worse as time goes on but I know it’s early days and it’s going to get worse. I’m missing him so much. His mother is his next of kin as we weren’t married so even after 17 years and despite the fact we lived together she had the phonecall then had to explain to them that we’d been together a long time and asked them to ring me too. That felt like a kick in the guts tbh. I’d like to think I would have been important enough to get a phonecall after his mam without her asking but unmarried partners don’t count for much it seems.
To be fair the lady who rang me was lovely, she explained a lot to me and put my mind at rest that he wouldn’t have known anything about it, it wasn’t her fault that I’m not classed as important as his family. After I got off the phone to them his mam rang me back and told me that she’d asked them to let me know as well. I’m an emotional wreck, I’m irritable with everyone. I have actually had to tell people to stop trying to hug me because I’ve never been a particularly huggy person, I loved a cuddle with my OH and I’m fine with kids but I’ve never felt the need to hug other adults tbh.
Sorry for the ramble, I’m just struggling and don’t know what to do
Glad you have answers. I’m not a buggy person either. At the 6 month mark no one hardly asks how you are now and they definitely don’t hug you. In a way it’s worse as everyone else is just getting on with their lives. I think that’s when I feel like I could scream. When I was shopping in town today I felt really scared to be in a world that he no longer existed in, it’s so strange the feelings I get.
When it first happened I’d wake every morning like I’d been kicked in the guts, it almost used to take my breath away,. Now the shock has worn off its morphed into a depression, It’s just awful!
Yes its so hard not to have them in the world with us ! I was so used to him and know. he would’ve protected me against anything … i .miss him so.much …its so hard for the ones left behind ! No wonder older people die from a broken heart … when they lose their partners
@Kat1984
I’ve often tried to find the words to describe this feeling and you’ve done it very well. For me that feeling is there about 80% of the time, some days stronger than others. I too know when I wake what type of day I will have. On those days I walk, I walk for hours. I’m lucky to live where there are endless walks where I won’t encounter anyone for miles, well except sheep or cows. I can think and cry to my heart’s content but usually by the end I’m balanced again till the next time.
Today, at mid day is 9 weeks, 9 Sundays since he died . His heart just switched off, his life was over in a heartbeat, literally.
Aw … that’s so sad … youre doibg very well. You know what i i find same ! I just can’t be bothered to talk to people half the time … but yhen sgain half yhe time im cryibg snyway. I cry on my walks too … think u become very aware they are not there when youre walking
I agree with you im 5 months and sometimes feel some people have forgotten what im going thro.its the hardest thing iv had to deal with .i have no cobtact with anyone elae who was close to him.he wasnt tge father of my children so they dont really have feelings for him.his sister has just not contacted me .she was horrendous at tge desth and took over asnif he qas her partner insteadnof her brother. I know im blessed to have a lovely son and daughter and a granddaughter, a great friend next door and my work. I just pray time is the healer.God bless
Dear Lost lil,
You have described bereavement just as i did to my Nephew who is an adult but has learning difficulties.It is exactly how i feel a very intense feeling of homesickness.
We grief differently,perhaps crying one day,low another and sometimes helpless but when i get hit by the" homesickness "those are the worst days.x
Thanks for sharing. It’s such a horrid feeling isn’t it, maybe because you know there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. It almost takes my breath away at times. All I can do is wait for it to subside a little. I always feel so lost now. I never imagined grief could ever be this bad. X
Hi everyone, I don’t mean to jump in on the conversation but I feel just like I’m on the outside of everything now just looking back in on life. Don’t know if that makes sense? Mind you, nothing much makes sense to me now.X
I know… its as if you’re on the outside looking in on life isnt it … horrible feeling as if your not part of the human race almost … i feel so lost some days … like i dont belong anywhere or to anybody
I also feel like that. Before my OH died I wouldn’t think twice about talking to random strangers without him around but now I feel totally different. I don’t know if it’s because it’s still so early or if it’s going to continue and become my personality now. I wouldn’t think twice about popping to the supermarket or going to a friends for a coffee alone when he was alive but today I had to nip to Tesco’s and I felt so alone and out of place. I bumped into someone we knew as well, she came over gave me a hug and I started crying in the middle of Tesco’s It’s like the world without him is just too much for me to cope with at the minute. Scary to be honest
@LostLil I know, when I went to the supermarket the other evening and I was getting into the car, I thought there’s no one waiting for me to get home. The tears just started to roll down my face. I miss my husband so much it hurts.x
Yes i know,if we went away from home when we were children we knew we would be going home again or a phone call to a sibing,parent or other family member seemed to “make everything ok again”.
The homesick feeling goes wherever we go,its in our physical home,the places we visited together…but this time we know there is nothing to alleviate the symptoms.x
Yes Deb5,that exactly right we feel homeless and it as feels as though we dont know where our home is anymore.x
LoobyLoo,
Go ahead and jump in anytime,i for one am very glad you have,at least i feel less alone in my thoughts and feelings.x
I know, just to get in and put the kettle on and ask him if he wanted a cuppa or if I was home and he’d come in and do exactly the same
I miss him so much. Most days now are a struggle to get out of bed
LostLil,
Thank goodness someone else feels just like i do,i dont seem to know who i am anymore.My husband was the strong silent type but i would have a chat to random strangers or go for a coffee with a friend.
When i lost my parents and other relatives i didnt feel like i do now.
I had my husband and unconditional love and support and that died with him.
We have to rebuild our lives but how on Earth are we supposed to get used to the whole new person when we dont recognise ourselves.
We had a few close friends that i speak to over the phone and i dont think they have noticed how introverted ive become but im sure they would notice if we met up.x
as if your not part of the human race almost … i feel so lost some days … like i dont belong anywhere or to anybody 
It’s like the world without him is just too much for me to cope with at the minute. Scary to be honest 