I lost my best friend, of 30 years, in a car accident in 2012. She was 40 years old. We knew everything about each other; this girl knew how I was feeling before I knew how I was feeling. We became friends when I was 16 and she was 15. I spoke with her multiple times on a daily basis. We even made deal in our late 20’s to never stay mad at each other because not sharing our experiences everyday hurt us both too much.
I was devastated the day she died and will never be the same person I was before that day.
I think of her often, so many things remind me if her. But i do not consume myself with it. I have read so much about managing grief but it doesn’t work. I put on a smile for everyone and go out of my way to make others smile, but underneath everything I do is a gigantic layer of sadness.
Substance abuse is virtually impossible. It is the only thing that numbs me enough to accomplish anything. It is not in excess but a daily part of my life. Without it i am whirled into a deeper sadness with zero motivation.
I should mention during the 4 years after losing Deb, I lost my other close friend, the love if my life, and my father, and, I have to mention, also Sweet Pea, an old dog that found me and blessed my life with 2 years of happiness that I didn’t even know was still inside if me. I don’t want to meet anyone new, I don’t want to go do things, I dont want to walk, ride my bike, go to the beach, fet a new dog. I don’t want to tell people how I’m feeling, it makes them sad and uncomfortable. I hate cooking so i don’t eat right well and i have a limited income. BUT I don’t want these losses to define who I am. This is the first time i have shared any if this and frankly I don’t know how this will help me either. So far I have just cried another bucket of tears. Anyway, thank you for listening. I’m trying to get back my drive by to improve my life and my relationships but I do not know how or if it’s possible anymore. 
I don’t know where to begin. It’s positive that you are posting here, that you still want to help yourself or find help, even if you don’t know how.
And surviving the pain that you have survived for ten years shows that you still have some strength left.
I also have had a really hard time since 2009. I was diagnosed with late stage cancer in August that year, given a 25% chance of living for 5 years, and that I had to expect about a year before the cancer recurred. That’s terrific news (not) when you’ve also been told that it takes 18 months to 2 years to recover from extensive abdominal surgery.
I live in an isolated small community, where everyone keeps themselves to themselves. My husband and I bought a house there in 2006, when he got a new job. I work from home. Soon after we bought the house, we realised we’d made a big mistake, because our community is a bit like Peyton Place.
But we hunkered down and managed to live happily. Shortly after I’d recovered from chemo, my husband was made redundant - that lasted for a year. Then he got another job in which he worked away from home - another upheaval in our lives. Then in 2011 I had signs of a cancer recurrence and a mini-meltdown because of that.
In 2013 I was diagnosed with a very serious spinal problem - I could hardly walk. At the same time, many of the friends I’d made during my cancer treatment were dying. In 2014, my husband’s mother, aged 86, had a stroke, which left her bed-bound. His father was 90, and had dementia. His mother died in 2016, his father in 2018.
Like you, I love dogs, and my husband came to love them too. We usually have at least 2. In 2017 we took a dog with epilepsy, that my husband absolutely adored. We did the very best we could, but the dog died at home in 2019.
In December that year, I got COVID in Ireland, where I met some Chinese students at an exhibition in Dublin. My husband cared for me through that - the effects lasted until March 2020.
Then, around this time last year, my husband started to develop strange symptoms. He got total diplopia in one eye, then his arm became weak, and so did his leg. He was admitted to hospital in August last year and died at home in September.
Since then, I’ve felt split in half. Half of me, like him, is dead. The other half keeps on living, keeps on caring for the dogs that are still with us. I couldn’t harm myself, because he would never forgive me, and I have to care for our dogs.
I have enough money to get by, just about, but because it’s part of my husband’s estate it’s not easy to get it. Every day brings a new struggle. I feel like a rat on a treadmill.
So, all I can do for you is to tell you that you are not alone. There are people in cyber-space who can listen and try to help. I’m in the UK, but I have visited Florida, which is a big state. I know the system is very different there, but can you ring your primary health care provider and tell them how you are feeling? Can you ring one of the mental health helplines to try to get someone who is experienced help you to figure out what help you need and ask for it?
Yes, people do get fed up listening, but if they get fed up listening to you, then they are not the right people to talk to.
Florida, to outsiders, seems to be the fun capital of the world. When I visited, I always found people who were not happy. Life is hard there, and there is no public health care in place.
In the UK, there is public health care everywhere, so it’s not easy to understand. Please keep on posting here, and know that at least someone is listening to you and wants to help.
Christie xxx
Thank you very much. I appreciate your message. It sounds like you have been through a lot also.
I should tell you, well I saw my first one while I was still taking care of my Dad… right above the store we were at, it was a cloud, really big, shaped just like a heart. Since that time, I see them everywhere, in the sky, in the ground, rocks, shadows, leaves, sometimes even a shred if paper, or a chip in a cookie. I have tons of pics, it is crazy! It’s been 5 years. I don’t look for them, they find me. This keeps me going. I feel like it is God and my loved ones telling me not to lose my faith and that I am here for a reason and to put my talent of making people smile to good use. I feel very blessed to get these, I call them Hearts from Heaven. They lift me up for sure but they don’t take away my horrible sadness, or make me want to put myself back into life. I work or im in my apartment. I try yo work at least 60 hours or more a week and with Florida’s wages I can barely make ends meet and can not afford any insurance. Also I have known a few counslers/ professionals that are pretty messed up also and don’t have a lot of faith in them helping me and I’ll admit I have huge trust issues. People can be horrible. Thank you again for taking the time to listen and respond to me. I’m sending prayers your way also.
Hello @Tenyearsstillsad
Your story just proves that we carry the grief with us no matter how long it’s been since our loss. I think you made the right move by writing down your feelings here.
I still try to do things that I used to do after my partner died 8 months ago, but like you said no matter how I try there’s an immense feeling of sadness lurking underneath the surface routine, as I cannot share anything with the person that loved me the most anymore.
I’m sorry you have suffered so much, you are right that we shouldn’t be defined by our losses and neither should our loved ones be defined by their deaths only. It’s a steep learning curve though, trying to come to terms with what happened and find new meanings in life.
Thinking of you and take care xxx
Reading everyone’s stories is very sad to me. I’m not sure it’s helping, just makes me sad that this is how life is. I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning out drawers lately. Still i find myself procrastinating. I need to shower and head out to work but I decide to smoke 1 more cigarette, stare at the blank TV, and wish I’d win some money so I didn’t have to work. I wonder if Deb were still here if my life would be better, or the same, or much worse…who knows! Still haven’t eaten anything but a few pretzels and it’s 9:30pm. I am behind on all the bills, i have to get moving… Maybe just 1 more smoke.