Hurting

My lovely Paul died suddenly last week from brain hemorrhage. He left for work
As normal but collapsed at a customers home. He was rushed at Addenbrookes, after a 5hour operation, was pronounced dead. He was 65
I am utterly devastated. Cant stop crying…he was fit healthy and ex military and always on the go…just need to talk on here to someone.
I never knew i could hurt so much.

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Hi Susan

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about Paul. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care, Rhi

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Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be in such shock.
It’s awful and I wish there was something more helpful I can say other than you are not alone. My husband Martin died very suddenly in August. Its a bumpy road but just try to remember that all this pain is a sign of all that love and love doesn’t just die.
If you have friends and family who can be there for you, let them.
If you can reach out here, people are so kind and understand that mad ball of tangled rubber bands that our brains become.
Take care and lots of love xxx

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I am sorry for your devastating loss.i liat robert 5 weeks ago same was fit n healthy dvt.he was 58.struggle so much at times some days i feel not too bad other days cry a lot could staynin bed…i make myself get up and go to my work for the sakenof my family. Its not tgeir fault this happened i want themvto have the best luves they can n not worry bout me .i pray you find strength to cope abd get through these early days.God bless

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The pain is unbearable l lost my husband in June suddenly without warning at 65 one year before he should retire
I am not saying it gets better but you learn to carry the pain
But you are in shock and if you are like me this will be with you for a while. Listen to your body and when it tells you to give yourself a break do it and when you need to cry cry, scream. Just be kind to yourself and take one hour at a time. sending my love xx

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Hi
We understand your pain. Be kind to yourself and take comfort from any thing and everyone when you can.
Take it one day at a time but try and play your day. Denis hug

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Thank you all for caring. I tryly am getting comfort from your replies.
I cant stop sobbing. I never knew how much my heart could hurt. I feel like i want the easy way out to stop the pain but that would now totally destroy my children from previous marraige. They loved Paul, their step dad and ate in pain too. So i try to be strong

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Hi @Susan10
So sorry you have had to join us here but you will find this is a very supportive community.
A sudden loss, which I also experienced of a seemingly fit and healthy husband, is so devastating and hard to believe is real.
Not that I think it’s any easier seeing your loved one deteriorate health wise before you still lose them, just different.
I never knew pain like this loss either; it is beyond description isn’t it?

I hope you will find it helpful to message on here any time you wish.
Sending love xxx

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Thank you Karen
I know many are in the same situation, and i try to take that onboard.
I feel like an empty shell, no purpose, no opinion, just numb.
My heart bleeds inside for just one day, or hour with him.
I loved paul so much but never really expressed it. Guilt is now kicking in. Im angry with his mum and one of his sisters because iof their lack of caring and empathy. He used to say, "My mum never cared much about me ", yet he would help her everytime she had a problem. Her coldness has upset me. And i can see he was correct.
I lay here on the sofa, watching the rain run down the windows, rain like my tears from my eyes. I know i should move myself, make a cuppa, put some washing on…but i just cant motivate myself. Im 68 now, paul was 65 and ex RAF and fit, healthy, never smoked and rarely drunk. Just died suddendly from brain bleed. I have to wind down our business, sell his van and motorbike. Arrange to take over mortgage payments…just very low and down and i pray this will get better, dear God please let it get better

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@Susan10 I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel your pain. You are in a position that none of us ever expected to be in at this time in our lives. I can relate to the empty shell, no purpose, no opinion, just numb feeling. It’s really hard. You say you are 68. I am 70. I don’t know about you but I feel like a lost child? I’m sorry that you have to do all those things now like the mortgage etc. I can only send you love and peace and hope that it gets easier for you.X

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Hi
I’m 4 months in to this new way of trying to live without my husband of 45 years but 51 of us being together.
Forget about the negative unhelpful people around you they will drag you down if you let them.
You love Paul and he loved you.
Try and focus on what he would want for you right now and forget the rest.
He sounds like a good kind man who looked out for his mother even though he didn’t feel she returned any of his thoughtfulness so what would he be like now knowing how YOU the woman he loved is feeling right now!
The one thing he left with you was his love.
I can’t tell you it gets easier I don’t know.
I started a journal and write in it everyday and when I look back over some of the things I’ve written I don’t think I’ll ever be able to share the raw pain within it but it’s how I feel that day, what I’m doing and I write it as if I’m writing to him.
As I write this I’m crying… can’t hide from my feelings for him or the life we shared I just have to try and remember what he would want for me and carry on x
Grief the price we pay for love
I’m will to pay for the love we’ve shared.

My thoughts are right there with you.
Take care of yourself the way Paul would want you too, hug

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Hi.
I lost my partner of 20 years suddenly four months ago. Reading these posts, it strikes me that bereavement is a bit like a sort of birth - you suddenly find yourself propelled into a completely new world where you feel very helpless and nothing is familiar. The comfort you have relied on is gone, and you don’t know what is going to happen to you. I have read a lot about bereavement in the last few months and the common message is that you will feel better. It takes different times for each person , but, just like a baby growing, we take the first steps, find out who to turn to for love and support, negotiate our way through the pitfalls of bureaucracy (and very well done for sorting the mortgage, business and vehicles) .

What has worked for me, most of the time, is trying those baby steps - getting out for a walk (when it stops raining) , having coffee with a friend, seeing my family, starting my hobbies again. The many ways in which my partner and I spent time together, country walks, cafe breakfasts, shared jokes, family visits - well, some are gone forever and others have to be built up again in a new way.

And I have just remembered I have left something in the oven which is about to burn, so I shall stop my philosophising and hope that you do soon find some light on the horizon.

Best wishes

Sarah

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An uplifting post for all of us we will get better just a different way of life have faith and through time the hurt will lessen x

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Hi i am 59 and my Husband was 60 when he passed away with cancer on the 20th oct 2022 and i feel so lost with out him i was his carer it was hard work in the end but i would do anything to have him back again

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I lost my husband suddenly in August and it seems to be getting harder. I have been out this evening and had to listen to others moaning about their husbands all the time wishing I had their problems. I miss him so very much and still can’t believe its happened.

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Today is my birthday, the first since Richard died. Normally he would have brought me a cup of tea, a beautiful card, a gift and a big hug. I’ve got through his birthday, Christmas, New Year and now my birthday, all in the 19 weeks since he died. So this is one of the bad moments. There’s quite a gale blowing outside, which kind of reflects my feelings. I’ve pretty much always lived with someone for 40 years, and realistically that will never be the case again.

But my brother and son are taking me out to lunch, an old friend who heard the news at Christmas phoned me yesterday, and another friend has given me a kit for my new hobby. Another friend and I are going to go for walks together. So I will have a little cry now, and I’m sure there will be more tears through the day, but I have things to look forward to. I guess that’s how I am coping - but I know it isn’t the same for others. I hope you soon find your own ways.

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Hello I am so sorry for you loss,
Life is so cruel, I lost my partner 5 weeks ago today, suddenly and unexpectedly… The pain is just awful, I sob and sob every day and night… I would give anything just to wrap my arms around him and tell him I love him so much
Sending you lots of love and heeling xx

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Its difficult isnt it…my Paul suddendly collapsed and died 13th dec aged 65. He was fit, healthy, lovely, kind and worked every day of his life.
His funeral was last Friday
I hear women moaning about their husbands, but id give anything to have Paul back.

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Hi @Salsnips
Funnily enough, having got through Christmas and New Year I was thinking, or rather worrying, about the next significant days with dread. Exactly as you say, nobody really makes birthdays as special as your partner in life. What would have been our 30th wedding anniversary falls very soon after the anniversary of my Richard’s death, then my birthday 11 days later. I just know that’ll be my worst time so not looking forward to April / May. Good Friday had been our last day out together last year when we went up a mountain with him helping me.

As you say though, I try to look forward to good things. We have my daughter’s wedding in August so, apart from the mixed emotions that will bring, it’s still a happy event. If they can be half as happy as we were it’ll be great.