I am new to the forum and I feel so in sinc with everyone’s feelings. A sudden death is so hard, there is no opportunity to mourn with a partner to have that time together where you can prepare together for the loss to come and say the things that you want to say and be heard.
A sudden death deprives us of that.
My husband of 43 years died from cardiac arrest, I had no opportunity to say goodbye, he died with the surgeons in theatre.
I coped, in shock, by working hard to put all the paperwork, and there is so much.
That accomplished, Lockdown happened.
How difficult it was being alone especially when good friends always supportive, were still coupled.
I’ve put my feelings and grief on hold to cope with the loneliness,eating alone, not watching the programmed we enjoyed together, having to live with his things because disposing of them not available.
Now I am feeling the loss the companionship, the humour, the never boring conversations. Most of all, not being a couple.
It’s hard living through it hoping for the other end.
Oh @Meg1 my partner died suddenly too. We went through the first lockdown together. We were both going to work due to “essential” job roles, but of course our social life, which used to be full, stopped. It is still stopped for me as our friends were other couples. We used to say how glad we were that if we were locked down at least it was together. I have been through this latest bit alone, and although I have found it difficult, in some ways it was good not having to be sociable. I think you are a year further ahead than me so you have had to do all of it. I feel for you. Keeping busy is good, but it is the quiet times that it hits like a sledgehammer isn’t it?
I think, from reading posts on here, even those that knew their loved ones were dying still wish they had done or said things.
There are some programmes we used to watch together that I was unable to watch. I now have a canvas of my partner on the wall. I steeled myself to watch the latest episodes of line/call of duty on catch up. I spoke to him after each episode as we would have done ordinarily. I apologise to him for watching First Dates (not his type of thing), and I watch Place in the Sun and say to him. We would have liked going there. If you were still here mate we could have put that one on our list. I know I sound doolally, but there it is. Keep in touch. X
It’s so physically painful, grief that is. I’ve tried not to burden people with my misery and loneliness. Just saying that here is a relief. I’m bad at asking for help and because I have always seemed to cope I don’t think friends think that I’m not coping now.
Being confined to home during the Lockdowns has been an endurance but now things are easing, I’m allowing myself to feel the pain which I was experiencing as anger.
After 18 months I’m supposed to have moved on but perhaps a lot of people find it hard to handle emotional pain in someone else (perhaps not in themselves either). It’s rejecting when it is someone close who puts up this barrier.
Admitting to the pain I’m feeling is helpful.
I have joined way but I am still suffering with chronic anxiety all down to money issues. I was left with nothing the Bereavement payment helps but I worry about when it stops. People say take it a day at a time but with 2 boys to look after I still constantly worry about what’s to become of us. I don’t have family to help.its been 8 weeks now and its like we have been forgotten about. My doctor is still reluctant to start me on any medication he tried one but it didn’t agree with me. I still can’t sleep things seem to be getting out of control. I wish I could just get on with my usual jobs instead of being paralysed with fear. My sons just want their mum back.but I feel forever changed. I don’t know where to go for help. My gp says I just have to go through this.
Have you looked at refugeingrief.com? It’s a website written by someone who lost her husband unexpectedly- she gets it. I found it helped to know that how I was feeling was not unusual. It also has part of the site for those supporting others - I found it useful to point friends and relatives towards that part!
It’s only been 8weeks. You are still in shock. We cannot think straight when in this state. I found that. I wanted to solve everything all at once. My head went into a spin. Anxiety was the result.
Sudden death of a partner is like an illness perhaps is an illness. Be kind to yourself realise you re suffering a severe blow. Just doing the bare minimum to manage, coping will get better the shock subsides. Love your sons, they will understand mum can’t do everything at the moment.
When the shock subsides you will think more clearly. I did. Then you will be able to address the questions that are spinning around in your head. There are solutions out there. They will become clearer but now is about recognises that shock is like an illness.
You and your boys will get through. Love one another through this stage.