I am back to square one

I thought it would be a better day today. I went to the post office to post my husband’s health files requested by the travel insurance. I went to the corner shop to pick up my tv magazine, made a dentist’s appointment, and sat a bit on the bench in front of the surgery in the sun. I talked even with my friend for a few minutes. And here I am sitting in the living room crying my eyes out and cannot stop. I actually do not want to talk to anyone, I do not want to go out. I just want to sit here and drop dead. I received an invoice for the computer security, something my husband would deal with and I am lost, not knowing if it is a good offer. I lost my confidence when my husband left me behind, thinking that I make the wrong decisions the whole time. I lost not just my husband but also my adviser, my friend, my soul, my life, my everything. Nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I hardly sleep (I am taking Kalms for the day and Nytol for the night) but I wake up when my husband was due to go to work. I eat but nothing is tasty anymore and I only eat because I have to take tablets.

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@Annaessex sending hugs. It can be so hard navigating this new existence. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice other than just do your best. I too feel overwhelmed being responsible for everything a lot of which I don’t have a clue because my husband dealt with it. I don’t think most people understand the impact losing your partner has. It’s not just the awful grief & loneliness but all the practical stuff too. Thank goodness for the understanding people on here.

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Everything you are both saying here is how I’m feeling. I always used to talk through decisions with my wife. We discussed everything and made decisions jointly. I miss having that alternate view, or that reassurance that what I’m thinking is a good one. I feel like i need an appropriate adult to supervise me most times. I hate making decisions in isolation and can’t come to terms with being the only person doing it. I find myself putting decisions off or bargaining with myself that i will deal with it at… such and such a point on time just so i give myself time to second guess my original decision or not have to make it there and then. Real partnerships survive on each individual bringing their own unique abilities and skill-set and sharing the burden of each day. We are now all finding ourselves a team member down and all at a time when we are at our lowest and most vulnerable without having to deal with learning how to take on a second role. It’s scarey as hell and devastating. The need to deal with these issues just seems to reinforce and magnify everything that is wrong and remind us in the most painful way that they are gone… forever :cry:. I hear you, i feel you pain and confusion, we all cry the same tears. The people we mourn are different, the emotions are all the same and i they think are what draws us together and not feel as isolated in our grief even if only for a moment. Love to everyone.

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I so agree with everything well said love to all xx

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@MLD033 so well summarised. This is the most awful situation we have all been left in. Sending hugs to everyone on this journey.

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I had my latest Councelling session yesterday and explained that I now feel I have entered a sort of maintenance mode… Like I’m going through the motions but with no purpose. Nothing means anything anymore. Anything I do I can’t share with Sandie so what’s the point. I’m just seeing out my time… With a permanent ache in me heart all the time. Unless you have been here you can’t possibly understand. My Councellor is very good and I relate to her… But she can’t offer a solution… There is none… Love to all :heartpulse:

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Bless you i feel exactly the same what’s the point of existing if the one true thing that made your life worthwhile is no longer here but i know i must try at least for my family sending love to all xx

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I have 2 sons. They have no idea what I go through during the days. I used to “have” to go out of my house at 6 pm to my son’s house, to see him and my grandchildren. Have to, was just to break the long days. As they both work I know I was being a pain, but only sitting with them for an hour or so. Now mostly I get a text saying is it alright if they have night on their own. Obviously I say yes, but I feel crushed. I look forward to 6 just to break the day. The only trouble with going out you still have to come home, and that hits you with vengeance. I spent hours at the weekend helping him with his driveway. Monday he was going to bed early, Tuesday they were still too tired. Haven’t heard from him today. Sitting on my own with my dogs wondering what on earth am I doing here. When your family can’t help, and why should they, you realise just how on your own you really are. It also makes you realise how much you don’t want to be here. :broken_heart:

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@swojto I can so relate to your post. At first I spent nearly every day with my daughter (married) after my husband passed away. Then she went back to work & I seen her in the evenings & at weekends. Now I see her a few times a week. I’m caught between knowing she needs her own life with her family and I need to get used to being on my own. And the need to spend time with her because the loneliness is crushing. I don’t want to be needy but it’s the only way I can cope just now. Will we ever be content in our own company? I fear not :broken_heart:

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@Annaessex

Big hugs .

I know how you feel and I’m
The same , no confidence and feel like I’ve turned into a frail person overnight, it’s horrendous.

Sleep, eating , it’s all rubbish & like you I just want to go. Pray every night that I don’t wake up.

Why can I not be taken as quick as Bry ? Why would the person I love most in the world be taken from me/us and leave us to lead this depressing , horrendous life!! :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart: xxx

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I want to say that trust your soul, she knows what you have to do, if not, she will help you to find the answers. Reach out, get help, it’s ok! Kindness is still well spread in the world, hang in there, this suffering will ease off and you will smile again.

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I try to smile again but it is not the same as before my husband died. It is such a painful and sad situation we are all in. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

I’ve learnt that I need to stop comparing my smile and happiness with when he was around, simply because I would not be able to match that. The smile will be different, happiness will be different so not comparable. Like you will start fresh. Comparing it will be exhausting. Please go for a walk, call a friend, watch and read inspiring pieces. I’m sorry you’re going through this pain. It’s too much and we are not programmed to face it. But we are stronger than we think, we are resilient as human being, survival is in our genes, trust the process, give it time, you will begin to feel better, you will! I read a few books, ‘grief works’ by Julia Samuel and Option B by Sheryl Sandberg helped a lot.

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Thank you for your kind words. I noticed that going for a walk does not help me at all. The area I am living in is not really nice. Glas shards everywhere and other things I do not even want to mention and some streets are quite dangerous even during day time. Our street is not too bad, nice neighbours and we look out for each other. My friends are getting fed up to listen to me because they do not understand how I feel. I started reading again but I hardly can concentrate and I stopped enjoying it. I have always been reading since I was little but now the joy is gone. And I also stopped enjoying listening to music or watching my favourite films and series. Since my husband died this February I lost any motivation and I am just sad. I have also different books about grief at home but I cannot read them at the moment. Maybe I am lucky and will get counseling soon.

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Hi, I wouldn’t hold all your hope on counselling. I hope they help you, but I have my doubts. Most of them haven’t been through what we are going through. I don’t think time helps either. Luckily we are all different, but reading the thoughts of people on this forum we are not that much different. Just take it minute by minute if you can . Take care Stefan :broken_heart:

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My thoughts exactly about counselling! How can they know what we are going through? If they have not been through it themselves?

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I have had one counselling session but not sure it’s going to do much good. I’m going to continue for a few more and reassess but it’s expensive. I was feeling in desperate need to speak with someone who really understands but like a few of you have said, not sure they really do.

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I looked into getting private counseling and it cost about £50 - £60 per 55 minutes. I am waiting if the surgery can help me and if not I will try to find the money somehow. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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Counselling did actually help me a lot. They don’t have to live this pain, but they have the skills to put things in perspective for us. Perhaps we should not underrate them too quickly.

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@Annaessex yes mine is £50 for 50 minutes. It was a last resort as been on the waiting list for free ones for weeks.
@Azar I’m going to persevere for a bit longer and hopefully it helps. I know one session is too soon to tell

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