I am just going downhill

Since last weekend I am just going downhill. I hardly sleep and wake up in the morning when my husband was due to go to work. I try to keep myself busy but that does not help me at all. I just do not want to be here anymore. There is no one who needs me and nothing makes sense. I just do not know what to do anymore. I try to pull myself together and I try to look into the future but I only see darkness for me and loneliness. I do not have the energy to phone a helpline or even to talk to anyone. Even writing is hard for me and takes up all my energy. I still cannot believe that I will never see or speak to my husband or cuddle him. I cuddle his urn and talk to him and I achieved a kind of acceptance but I still cry most of the time. I am truly on my own. In two days it will be five months since my nightmare started and it is getting harder instead of a bit easier and not so painful. Sending lots of love and hugs to everyone.

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Dear @Annaessex
I am so sorry that you are suffering so badly and have nobody near to help and support you.
I lost my husband 26 weeks ago and the dark pain is dreadful for me, too, but I have a brother who lives locally and good friends and neighbours. Most of my family live abroad but we FaceTime regularly.
I have very bad days when I sob for hours and become exhausted and if I didn’t have support, I would feel like you do.
Is there nobody you can contact; have you contacted your GP who maybe able to refer you to a local support? Our local hospice offer counselling, you may have one near.
I am paying for counselling sessions; they are never going to take the pain away but it’s good to talk to someone and open up about your inner feelings.
Have you thought about contacting a local church, they may be able to offer you some kind of advice. My local church holds monthly meetings for people living alone and you don’t have to be a church member.
I do hope you can find some help, you must not be on your own all of the time.
Sending love and hugs. xx

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5 months is no time at all.

Please be patient with yourself.

After I lost my partner I would take his jumper to bed and cuddle that.

I would say goodnight every night.

I don’t know when but eventually I put the jumper away and I stopped saying goodnight to him.

I still think of him everyday though.

You carry them with you.

Give yourself time xxx

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You know if you text SHOUT you dont need to talk on the phone , its all done by text xxx

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Anna go and see your Doctor he will recommend you to a support group. I was given tablets but gave them up after 2 days. I was the last person on earth that ever thought i would need help but had to get it in the end. I still look out at 5 o’clock to see if she is coming home and check my phone to see if text to say on way. They say time is a healer but i dont believe it anymore

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Hi @Annaessex I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I have been following your journey and thought you was beginning to cope reasonably well.
These down times do hit us I’m afraid in those early days and you have been offered some good advice by other members who have replied so do please try and find the strength to do something as it is the only way to get some help. Don’t fear the tears either they are to be expected.
Time might not heal but it does teach us how to live with grief, How to get on with a life. So please don’t despair. Above all don’t look for a future just concentrate on coping with each day and the future will take care of itself.
Pat
xx

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Hi @Annaessex

I’m so sorry to hear how painful everything is for your right now. It sounds like you are having a really tough time, so please remember to be kind to yourself and keep reaching out here to share how you are feeling with others.

I just wanted to signpost to a few resources which may be helpful for you right now:

  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • Our Grief Guide has an article on tips to help with your sleep routine: Sue Ryder Grief Guide
  • Sue Ryder also offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.

Please remember that there is lots of help out there - you are not alone.

Take care,

Kate

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