Four weeks have gone by since my darling John died. I expect a lot of you will remember the cards, flowers, phone calls? They have all died away. I explained on here in my first post that we were that couple that just wanted each other’s company, shared the same dreams, laughed together. Quite selfish in a way I suppose, but too bad it was our choice. People keep telling me I am a strong woman. Does that make them feel better? I am not strong because half of any strength I had has gone.
I know it’s one day at a time but I can see that every day is going to be the same. I don’t drive, and will never learn, I live in a rural area where we have no friends. I don’t have any hobbies. Our hobby was travelling and enjoying our time together. We just got our freedom after looking after my father for 19 years. He lived with us and died at home on January 8.
Now it’s just me the strong woman who is not strong at all. I am scared about the future as my life has been full of fun, challenges, love and happiness. Now it’s empty, quiet, boring and very very sad. 
hi Johnswife
I got a few cards,which I wish hadn’t been sent as id sooner they kept away,as it doesnt help at all.what we really need are friends who will listen without giving out bullshyte.
the time will heal ,do what Jayne would of wanted,so much crap that is insensitive and totally uncalled for.just an ear to listen and let us speak about the love we have for our lost partner.
a few friends I had ive kicked into touch as they are worse than useless.luckily Jaynes best female friend and her husband help me.espcially Karen she made our love for each other seem as special as it was,and told me Jayne loved me so much and will always be in my heart and I will be reunited when I leave this mortal coil.
and she listened to me talk about how much I love and miss Jayne.sadly she isnt to well herself and ive not had a chat for several months,but finding this site as given me a few people who are wonderful and are helping me by being their and listening.there are lots of wonderful people on this site,who once you open up and become a part of this wonderful community reach out as now they feel they know you,these people whove helped and continue to help me over several weeks etc ive been able to message and off load my inner thoughts and become friends with, these wonderful people are dealing with the same emotions heartache etc that im facing every day,were all very different and have our own coping mechanisms.i was going write their names but dont think its my decision to make so im just going say these people are very special and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.i hope you can build a bond with a few members and that you get as much help as ive done.
sorry for droning on and hope I make a little sense.
warm regards take care
ian
It is very very sad and there’s not much can be said to make it any different. But then if you ran around, skipping and full of joy that wouldn’t be right either. In fact it would be impossible. I remember thinking back in the beginning that I wanted to be miserable forever because that was the way to keep my man at the forefront of my mind. Silly really because I’m no longer miserable and he’s still right there every minute of every day. 
The truth is Johnswife, I think you’re stronger than you think you are. We all are. Sending love and understanding 
It is very sad.
You say you have two daughters, is it possible for you to move closer to them in the future? Or to move to a place where you won’t be so isolated and where you will be able to meet with people without having to drive? Maybe a town? I am not talking about doing this now, but maybe in a year or two?
Abdullah my daughters live near me but I don’t want to put all my misery onto them. They are wonderful but one is very fragile mentally and the other is rebuilding her life following the loss of her baby and the breakup of her marriage. Losing their beloved step father is terrible for them they love him so much. The idea of moving to a town would fill me with horror. We loved the natural world and wildlife. Thank you for thinking about me.
I think telling someone that they are strong, Johnswife, is meant to be a compliment.
That is so sad that your daughters have had sadness in their life too, and I totally understand why you would not want to “burden” them. I don’t know what the solution is. As a Londoner, I can’t really appreciate how important it is to some people to live in a rural area, but I guess if that is how you have lived, then moving to a town is something that might not be possible.
Do you have an Age Concern or something that could help out? Maybe they have some community transport that could take you one or two times a week to the village hall or something where people similar to your age meet up and socialise?
Abdullah everything is closed because of the virus. All transport for community groups is cancelled. I will have to get through this somehow. Thank you
Yes, I was thinking more for the future, but for the time being you will just have to get through the next year or so until we have a vaccine.
I have to tell you something. Just as I was telling Abdullah how we loved wildlife and nature a huge white barn owl flew over our garden. It was so low I could have reached up and touched it. It was silent as owls are but it looked right down at me. It flew around a couple more times then went towards the trees. I think my darling sent it to comfort me. They are very rare so whatever I am very lucky to have seen it. 
Oh my goodness, how wonderful 
. I hope you feel comforted.
I do he didn’t just send me a white feather he sent me a whole wonderful owl. I don’t know but it’s something completely out of the blue. The last wild one I saw here in Cornwall was 17 years ago. I loved it anyway
Ian please never apologise for droning on as you put it. John always apologised for not being able to spell. He was dyslexic. Those traits are what make people very special.
thank you Johnswife.
sadly im far from special,im just a grieving man who thought by putting aside his feelings,emotions and heartbreak and tried to help others it would help me.at present
im hanging by a thread,i really just want to be with my baby Jayne.
I read loads of posts those asking whether things get easier ,well if you feel as strongly about your partner as I do about Jayne then no it doesnt its a daily struggle.
but I know some get inner strength and are able to build some kind of new life,well thats not for me.my heart is full with feelings for my soulmate Jayne.
maybe im one of very few who cannot ever even consider looking to a future without my baby Jayne.
I will always try my best to give others a few kind heartfelt words of comfort,sadly nothing apart from being with Jayne will ease my pain.
though I am very thank ful like ive said to those few people who have given me their time and made me feel like my life means something.to those I say thank you yet again I do really appreciate the efforts you have made.
and Johnswife I hope you some how find the inner strength to manage your emotions and heartache.other warm hearted members will try help when they can.
Hi Jianye. I am new to this site but I have read all you threads and I feel as you do about all the wonderful people on this site. I have so wanted to reply to so many but I could not log on until today. I feel I know you all already and your words have given me so much help and comfort. I could not even display sympathy cards when Ron died. I just put them in a cupboard because it made my grief heavier although I never realised he had so many people who cared for him. Sadly though very few of them now keep in touch. I can see how much you loved Jane and I truly hope that one day we will all be re united with those we loved so much. I don’t think I will ever feel complete again in this life.
Thankyou for sharing about the owl and for me that would be a definite sign from John. My husband and I was also keen on wildlife and my husband loved to work with the bees, Since he died I have had three experiences where a bee has circled my head twice and hit me on the side of the face. Two occasions in mid winter and one occasion in a house and then promptly disappeared, My husband always said he wanted to come back with wings and be able to fly high above people.
I had another very strange experience with a fly, yes, a fly. It landed on my hand as I was eating my dinner and for some reason I didn’t flick it off. It was looking intently at me, we stared at each other and I stroked it’s little head. It sat happily on my hand for about ten minutes and then flew onto the curtain. Have I gone completely mad, who strokes the head of a fly. But I felt a connection with it.
xxx
I think we need to be open to anything that gives us comfort so your 
and the fly are something to celebrate. We made a new garden in our brand new house. We moved in on 23 March. We designed it to be bee friendly so there are lots flying around. I am just sorry John is not here to see the fruits of our hard work. It was all turf before. 
Beautiful 
It isn’t it. He put his heart into our garden. He wasn’t a gardener before. 
It can be your memorial garden in memory of your man