My nephew died from suicide May 2, 2025. He had text with me only a few hours before he killed himself…I’m in Texas, him Virginia. Being on the autism spectrum (Asperger’s) it was a tremendously difficult and painful…physically and emotionally…childhood….the kid that had few friends, constantly bullied, never invited to bday parties and such. Will say he was a handful with ill equipped parents. As an adult, the struggles decreased and became a lovely, super sweet, hardworking-the goal of achieving Master Plumber within reach-, witty, really nice guy worth knowing. I was aware of the recent turmoil at home with his parents through conversations with his mother, my sister. He had expressed to them a couple of times wanting to kill himself. He refused any type of professional help.
I had no idea he had recently purchased a handgun…it was a known but never shared with me. Had I’d known?…omg…!!!
I completely took the wrong approach being focused on making things better with his folks and for him and my regret and guilt is eating me alive on top of immense grief and mourning. I tried being understanding, nonjudgmental, empathetic with an “it’s going to be ok…there absolutely is resolution available for things to be better for everyone”…an ineffective, ignorant Pollyanna tactic. The texting ended with mutual I love you’s. I told him to please take care of himself, he is very important to me, I’m always here, together we will figure things out and I would be in touch the following morning. He ended with “I can’t promise anything” and I thought in his upset he was saying he may or may not answer me right away. So unbelievably stupid of me. As I was texting him that morning, a call came in from my sister…screaming and crying so uncontrollably distraught saying “he did it!” “he did it!” and I knew without asking…I hear her in my head every day. I reread those texts between me and him and it was drop to my knees soul crushing. He was trying to tell me. He was coming to me for help and I didn’t produce what he was needing and looking for. I’m a broken person myself…all around inadequate emotionally…I don’t trust my own feelings…so unforgivable that I ignored my gut to keep the conversation going, that things weren’t right…and I failed him. Why did he come to me!?!? Oh all people!?! So many others in the family better equipped. I can’t help believing I could have influenced a different outcome.
Hi @KarenD1960 . I’m really sorry to read your story. I have had to forgive someone recently, and whilst not as serious as you have to cope with, I’ve got through it. Forgiving someone else isn’t too difficult (but not easy), far more difficult is forgiving ourselves. It takes time and effort, but it’s worth it
In my Mindfulness work, it was resolved by understanding Self Compassion. Many of us find compassion to others pretty easy (obviously, from your story, you are very compassionate.)
So maybe it’s time to move towards your own self compassion.
I’m not a Mindful expert, and I’ve used a therapist. But she used the teachings of this lady to guide me through it. I’m glad to say it was highly successful.
Maybe reading this might help you to see a way forward, and leave all this angst behind you.
I wish you well
I’ve dug out one short bit from the above link. For me, I remember reading this told me to read the rest of it!
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
Oh Karen. How absolutely awful for you and him. I am sorry. Now, I am no expert at all on this so forgive me if my advice is totally unhelpful. I, as an outsider, see a different interpretation. You were obviously a rock to him and knowing that you loved him was with him right at the end. On its own, that love wasn’t enough for him at that moment. The support you were offering him and the things you said were encouraging. You gave him a clear indication that you were there and ready to be present on a daily basis to help. I think there are clear indications that he had already made his decision and he came to you to say goodbye because he loved you.